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So it’s that time of the year when I start to evaluate where I am in my life and I get seriously nervous. There’s something more for me out there that I can’t seem to grasp. It’s kind of annoying to have this constant thick layer of frustration in my life that I would I like to get rid of or at least wipe down to just a very, very, very thin glaze.

I’ve been listening to the latest John Mayer CD “Battle Studies” a lot lately. Mostly because it’s just amazingly good music and then because some of the songs relate to me now and in this moment. I’m turning 30 this year and while I know I’m still “young” and I’ve accomplished some things, there’s so much more and I feel like time is slipping through my fingers and I don’t want to let that happen.

I remember telling someone once a couple years ago that the idea of just getting rid of the majority of the stuff I own and traveling and writing really appealed to me. I remember they said that if that’s what I wanted to do then I should do it. As if it’s that easy. But now I’m thinking, maybe it is that easy? There’s a clear starting point for this kind of idea, a date that I could set my sights on to get it started and honestly, I’m really, deeply considering it. I don’t feel like I’ve taken that risk, or taken that leap and I want to do that. What am I waiting for? What am I choosing if I don’t do anything and continue to do just what I am right now? I feel like I’d be choosing mediocrity and setting myself up to live by someone else’s rules. I need to push my agenda.

I’m tired of crying frustrated, sad, and “what am I really doing here?” tears. I want to cry happy, wondrous, and “wow, this is soooo much fun!” tears.

It’s a battle and like the song says, I won’t give up.

(lyrics after the jump) Read the rest of this entry »

The following video is from a talk given by “Eat, Pray, Love” author Elizabeth Gilbert. It’s good stuff, and she’s so freaking right-on about how people perceive people who choose a career that is based in creativity.

So, my mom, who knows me better than anyone in the world, sent me a dedication via email the other day. It was this new song by Michael Bublé, “Haven’t Met You Yet.” Maybe, no wait, I know that this was her way of saying “Buck up, kid. You’ll find your guy yet.”

I love this song, and it helps that I like Michael Bublé in general. It’s kinda crazy how it sums up my life at this exact moment. I’m really at a loss for what to do next. Part of me wants to just do nothing and hope that the right person will just show up, and another part of me thinks that I should be actively doing stuff like online dating and going to bars. It’s like I need to “prove” that I really want to meet someone. People have said you should treat your love life like it’s a part-time job and you have to be “in it to win it.” Ugh. Whatever. Then I think if I’m doing too much then I’m being all desperate. I dunno, but the whole do nothing approach sounds really great to me right about now.

My favorite plan is the one where I’m so busy with NASCAR stuff and writing that I never have time to think about looking for someone and they just find me, and it develops naturally. I really like being busy with something that I love to do. I’m working on getting more of that going on in my life.

I am absolutely, positively in love with the song “Happiness” by The Fray. It’s off of their latest self-titled CD. I have listened to this song on repeat about a million times so far. It kind of says it all for me. It’s sort of solemn but then so hopeful. It is an awesome nighttime driving song.

Lyrics to “Happiness” by The Fray

Happiness is just outside my window
Would it crash blowing 80-miles an hour?
Or is happiness a little more like knocking
On your door, and you just let it in?

Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can’t make it come or go
But you are gone – not for good but for now
Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good

Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
‘Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks

Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that’s enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar

Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you’ll never find it all
But let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she’ll be home
Home, home, home

I love this new theme for my site! It’s simple and personal. Just like a book about my life.

These days I can’t seem to find the right words that explain my life status. I get worried about thinking or saying the wrong thing and being “negative.” Ugh, when everything I want is so positive and happy. They’re all good things.

I’m worried about disappointment. It’s annoying to be worried about disappointment, I know this.

I moved to the extremely small town of Cotati to be closer to my day job which is only 11 miles from my new loft apartment. I love my loft apartment, by the way. It’s big and quiet. The move was in May.

No problems there. I just want to get so many other things on the right track.

On August 31st I turned 29 which kinda freaks me out. I just feel like time is moving so fast and I’m not keeping up.

I do have things to be proud of ya know, like the growth of The Fast and the Fabulous and being selected for the NASCAR Citizen Journalist Media Corps without having to submit myself for consideration. That made me very happy. I guess it’s that I get a taste of something great, and being the impatient person I can be sometimes, I just want more and I want it, like, this minute.

I’ve decided that things are going to get better and I’m going to be happy. I’ve decided that I’m going to get the things that I want.