a life in progress

please don’t tell me this has been in vain

I was doing work at Starbucks today, as has become the routine, and I was listening to a playlist on my iPod. The song “Kill” by Jimmy Eat World came on and there were some lyrics that stood out to me. They struck a chord with the way I feel about certain things in my life right now. I’m sure you can guess which “things” I’m talking about. That would be TFATF and trying to make a career out of it.

Oh God, please don’t tell me this has been in vain
I need answers for what all the waiting I’ve done means
You kill me, you’ve got some nerve, but can’t face your mistakes
I know what I should do, but I just can’t turn away

The guy in the song is talking about girl and their relationship. I, on the other hand, am talking about my blog. It is my WORST FEAR that I’ve done all this work on TFATF for nothing. That I’ll have to give it up and walk away. Which is what will have to happen if I can’t get sponsors.

So, my first reaction to that is to try everything I can to get sponsors. I have some ideas I’ll try when the work week starts again, but time is running out it seems. I just need help.

i am veruca salt

Yes, the character from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory who sings,”I don’t care how, I want it now!”

I’ve realized that she has been my subconscious idol ever since I saw her dance and sing across my TV screen, moaning about needing goose eggs.

I get it. I’ve been there. I’m extremely impatient about things that I’m really excited about. It can be anything from a guy I’ve decided I really like to the new Death Cab For Cutie CD, (which did just come out this week and I can’t wait to get it). I have no patience, I am without patience. I understand impatience inside and out.

And it has hurt me, it’s hurt my life because I just can’t wait. I’m afraid that if I wait I’ll miss out and there won’t be enough time. Time is passing SO quickly and I don’t want to fail. But in turn by being impatient and impulsive about certain things — for example what turned out to be the WORST job opportunity ever — I’ve set myself back, like, 5 years. At least, that what it feels like.

I’m trying really hard to look for the opportunity inside the problem/mess, but the problem is that I have a hard time trusting myself and what I want.

Wait, no, I know what I want. I just have a hard time deciding/trusting that what I want is the right thing to do. Everyday I’m bombarded with messages that say that I should do what makes me happy. I should follow my bliss. I should make my dreams happen. Do what you were meant to do! Do you what you love. Don’t let your dreams die! Live you best life!! But what if the dream that I’m chasing isn’t really anything at the end of the day? What if I follow this NASCAR thing to the end and in the end all that’s there is just a really big pot of debt, with no husband or children to cushion the blow of never being successful at the things that I wanted to be successful at?

I like to write. I like writing for myself (which is why I’ve started up here again–it’s been WAY too long–and turned the commenting feature off & blocked search engines) and I like writing about my experiences. I love the fact that NASCAR is a sport that takes place outdoors, which is where I like to be. I feel productive there. I like sharing my stories and that’s ALL I want to DO. I like traveling. I love hotels. I like taking the shuttle bus to the car rental counter. I like packing. I love rehashing little moments that happened to me in my head, moments that might not mean anything at all to anyone else but me. I like it when people tell me they read my blog and they like it. I love it when they tell me they love it.

So I came up with another idea on how I can get something going for TFATF and I’ve decided to hold off on pulling the trigger on it until next week. It’s an idea I’m excited about and think could actually work. Normally I’d jump right it and it’d be done by now. But instead I’m waiting. (I hate that word) and I’m going to decide whether or not I’m going to do it next week. You have no idea how painful it is for me to wait. I think my theme song is “I Don’t Wanna Wait” by Paula Cole. But I’m doing it anyway and we’ll see what happens.

war of my life

So it’s that time of the year when I start to evaluate where I am in my life and I get seriously nervous. There’s something more for me out there that I can’t seem to grasp. It’s kind of annoying to have this constant thick layer of frustration in my life that I would I like to get rid of or at least wipe down to just a very, very, very thin glaze.

I’ve been listening to the latest John Mayer CD “Battle Studies” a lot lately. Mostly because it’s just amazingly good music and then because some of the songs relate to me now and in this moment. I’m turning 30 this year and while I know I’m still “young” and I’ve accomplished some things, there’s so much more and I feel like time is slipping through my fingers and I don’t want to let that happen.

I remember telling someone once a couple years ago that the idea of just getting rid of the majority of the stuff I own and traveling and writing really appealed to me. I remember they said that if that’s what I wanted to do then I should do it. As if it’s that easy. 🙂 But now I’m thinking, maybe it is that easy? There’s a clear starting point for this kind of idea, a date that I could set my sights on to get it started and honestly, I’m really, deeply considering it. I don’t feel like I’ve taken that risk, or taken that leap and I want to do that. What am I waiting for? What am I choosing if I don’t do anything and continue to do just what I am right now? I feel like I’d be choosing mediocrity and setting myself up to live by someone else’s rules. I need to push my agenda.

I’m tired of crying frustrated, sad, and “what am I really doing here?” tears. I want to cry happy, wondrous, and “wow, this is soooo much fun!” tears.

It’s a battle and like the song says, I won’t give up.

(lyrics after the jump) Read the rest of this entry »

i’m not a genius but i have a genius

The following video is from a talk given by “Eat, Pray, Love” author Elizabeth Gilbert. It’s good stuff, and she’s so freaking right-on about how people perceive people who choose a career that is based in creativity.

i just haven’t met you yet

So, my mom, who knows me better than anyone in the world, sent me a dedication via email the other day. It was this new song by Michael Bublé, “Haven’t Met You Yet.” Maybe, no wait, I know that this was her way of saying “Buck up, kid. You’ll find your guy yet.”

I love this song, and it helps that I like Michael Bublé in general. It’s kinda crazy how it sums up my life at this exact moment. I’m really at a loss for what to do next. Part of me wants to just do nothing and hope that the right person will just show up, and another part of me thinks that I should be actively doing stuff like online dating and going to bars. It’s like I need to “prove” that I really want to meet someone. People have said you should treat your love life like it’s a part-time job and you have to be “in it to win it.” Ugh. Whatever. Then I think if I’m doing too much then I’m being all desperate. I dunno, but the whole do nothing approach sounds really great to me right about now.

My favorite plan is the one where I’m so busy with NASCAR stuff and writing that I never have time to think about looking for someone and they just find me, and it develops naturally. I really like being busy with something that I love to do. I’m working on getting more of that going on in my life.