i don’t need another turn to cry

by Valli

All of a sudden I have become so tired. I would love to be able to go home and just sleep. I don’t want to be here today.

It’s amazing how things can change in an instant. Well.. they really haven’t changed, it’s just that old feelings come back and they get brought up and you remember stuff. Like how badly I don’t want this type of life. I don’t want to be doing this 12 years from now, or moving up in this company. That doesn’t appeal to me in the least. Something has to change.

I got “yelled at”, I put that in quotes ’cause I really didn’t get yelled at, yelled at. I guess it was just a reprimand or something. Not even that. Basically a “don’t do it anymore” thingy for being AIM and having too good of a time. haha. I quess I just wasn’t working fast enough for her. Whatever. I understoode where she was coming from, I haven’t been having the greatest of weeks these past couple of weeks. It’s because I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m bored with it already. When we had that staff meeting and my whole entertainment listings argument was shat (that’s a word, past tense of shit, fyi) on by the “men”, as I like to call them, that pretty much put me back in that mindset that this place is stupid. I don’t know if I was ever in that mindset with this place totally, but now I’m leaning towards it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate these people, it’s no where near what Maui was, but I just know that this is never going to make me happy.

Out of everything in my life, I just want to be entirely happy with one situation in my life. I just want to get one area right. Or have all of the areas be kinda balanced. Things aren’t completely horrible. There’s always room for improvement. What I would love is to have one week where I wake up every morning excited and happy looking forward to the day ahead of me. I’ve had like one or two days out of a week where I felt like that but never all five in a row. At least not that I can remember right now.

How am I going to do this?

It would be phenomonal to find a job in the entertainment industry that I’d really like to get me by right now. I do not want another administrative job, I am soooo completely done with it. I’m sick of it. I know that I’m better than this crap. I know that I’m worth more than this. I realized it at the xmas party. I was being introduced to people and they asked what I did, and I was like trying to think and I couldn’t think of anything good to say. I don’t want to say “filing, copying, answering stupid questions, entering data”. I’m so much smarter than all of that. All my good ideas going to waste. That’s what I fear the most. What if my dreams don’t come true? What then?

I’m looking forward to going home tonight, to a clean house to my “picked up” room and laying in my bed knowing that I don’t have to go to work tomorrow or the next day.

It should be 5 days of weekend instead of 5 days of work.