“I want to roll my darkness into a million suns
I need to find forgivness when all the pain is done
I wanna hear I’m sorry, I wanna let you go
I have to find my own life, I wanna learn to grow”
Take Me As I Am - Tonic

I am verry, verry excited about the show & festivities tomorrow! It’s going to be good. heheheheeheheheheehehehehehe

fucking cofee.

I hate it when they mess up the cups when they put the lids on and you get that dribble cup effect. Where you’re drinking the coffee and it spills on you and you don’t even know it till you happen to look down at your shirt. Ugh!

Anyway…

My stomach is killing me. I’ve taken Motrin and it still fucking hurts. This is ridiculous.

Ok, this will sound really weird but I have to talk about it. My boss makes these annoying moaning type noises when she talks to people. You know how in a conversation when someone says something say and you go “ohh” like in sympathy, usually you follow it up with a “oooh, that sucks” well, when she does the “ooh” part its a moan and she does at other times in the conversation. Even when its not something sad and she’s talking to someone she just sounds like she’s having phone sex with them or she’s flirting with them. It’s annoying.

My mom’s cousin died today. I wasn’t close to her or anything so I feel really removed from it, but at the same time it makes me feel incredibly sad. I just feel so sad for her, obviously because she died but more so because her life wasn’t all that it could of been. She never marrried or had kids. I dunno if she wanted all of that but I know that it wasn’t something that she definitely didn’t want. Everything has been so sudden, it was only a few weeks ago that we found out that she had cancerous tumors on her lungs that spread to various areas, just getting worse. I have to stop writing about this. I just came back from the bathroom where I cried and now my eyes are all red. I haven’t told anyone about this. I won’t unless I have to miss work or whatever. They don’t need to know. Plus my boss has been kinda witchy lately, er annoying. I dunno. Whatever. She can kiss my ass.

Hmm.. I wanted to write something here today and I really don’t have much to say.

I talked to Angela about the after party and I expressed my concerns about crowd control and making sure we keep it “chill” and she totally agreed. So we’ve got a plan on how we’re going to distribute the directions to the party at the show. Basically we’re not going to say anything until the end of the show so people can’t run around and tell everybody they know about the party. So I feel a little bit better about that whole deal.

I wanted to stay and work on my tshirt logo designs but I don’t think I’m gonna. I should go now to beat the crap traffic.

My eyes are burning, but not burning, burning, but just like they were never supposed to be open this long and they’re tired.

Yes, I’m still tired. I get to go home in twenty minutes, thank god. I’m going to have dinner, watch the final episode of Sex and the City and then go to sleep. Or at least try to sleep. The thing I hate about sleep is that it brings you to the next day faster. I’m already not in the mood to come back here.

At least I know that what I feel isn’t wrong. The feeling that this job is not for me, that I can’t stay in this kind of job for the rest of my life. I’ve felt this way for soooooo long. Just read all my damn journal entries.

Funny. I just realized that I have this weird need with potential friends or romantic relationships. I’d rather not date or hang out with someone who doesn’t have the same general opinion of some key topics, issues, genres, people or feelings. I mean last night on the way home Elise was talking about how she hates/hated Nirvana. I can’t fathom that. I wasn’t the biggest Nirvana fan in the world, but I did cry when Kurt Cobain died. So I was just like thinking to myself “what the??” when she was talking about how she didn’t like his “whiny” songs, even though she likes the “whiny” songs of bands like Simple Plan. Simple Plan is gay. That guys voice is enough to make ME want to kill myself.

Anyway so I was just thinking about all of that and then I was wondering if maybe holding that against her was wrong but I realize it’s not, because that’s just who I am. I’m not going to not ever hang out with her ever again, it’s just gives me a HUGE insight into who she is and where her head is at. There are things that you notice when you first meet someone and you hang with them for like two or three hours and then those things you were a little wary of for those two or three hours get magnified when you’re around them for over 10 hours, and the only thing you want to do is bash their head in when they start saying more and more annoying things, like how Kurt Cobain is whiny.. what the ??

Anyway, not just with her but in general I realize that that’s what I’m always doing in my head, it’s like if someone can’t grasp how insanely good Cameron Crowe or Kevin Smith movies are I can’t deal with them. It’s just not going to work. Which isn’t to say that ALL of their movies are great, but if they can get the jist of how cool they are then ya know that’s cool. Put it this way, I seriously doubt I’ll ever marry a guy who doesn’t love Singles or Chasing Amy, it’s just not going to happen.