i’ve been living for tomorrows all my life

by Valli

I knew it but I didn’t know it. I had a dream last week about my father, or it had my father in it, a lot. So I’m thinking it’s about him. Anyway it was horrible and I hated it. Of course now I can’t remember anything about the dream in specific, except that he was there and I hated how I felt. Somehow Michele and I on our way back to my apartment Friday, got on the subject of dads, hers mostly. But it made me think of mine.

Cut to this morning when I check my email at work at the first thing I see is an email from my sperm donor with a subject line that says “would like to see my Daughter”. Lets also point out that I don’t like to be emotional at work, nor do I like these people to know anything about my personal life that’s really personal, like duh, my relationship with my father (or lack thereof). So I thought I had it under control. I welled up with tears, and nobody saw, I went to the ladies room to collect myself. Thought I was okay, but then I forwarded the email to my mom., who I know had to have had a hand in all of this, saying that it was a good thing I was meeting with a therapist on Friday. Then I couldn’t help it and the tears came again. Then my boss came over and was like “Whats wrong?”, asking if I wanted to talk about it (no), do I wanna cry on her shoulder? (no). Then Roxy comes over. (thank whoever, that kimmie gibler wasn’t there) and I’m trying to tell them what happened in between my sobs and weird breathing. I told them that my father emailed me, and that I hadn’t seen him since junior high school (now thinking about it, it was actually high school that I last saw him), and they’re all “so those are tears of joy” and I’m like “no”.

So I’m ok now. Although whenever I think about it, I well up with tears. I’m more pissed than anything that I had to read this at work. Even if he had sent it to my personal email addy, I still would of read it at work. I’m still pissed that this all happened here. It’s just not good.

This is annoying. It just adds to stuff that I already have in my head that I want to get rid of. I want to get back to where I used to be, where I was just daydreaming about starting the clothing company and not being here anymore. But I’m fine. I mean I’m definitely not seeing him anytime soon, maybe not even until after the surgery. I’m just not in the mood. Maybe I’ll just correspond over email, until I feel like seeing him and who knows when that will happen, if at all.

So I wrote him back. It’s a totally bitchy, angry letter and I could care less if he gets pissed, which he shouldn’t because he knows that he’s fucked up big time. There is such a huge disconnect between us that I have no idea how we could ever be close. I know that we won’t be “close”, I’m never going to call him “dad”, it’s too far gone for that. I don’t think I’ve ever heard him say that he understoode how I felt about him. I don’t think that I have. I just don’t think that he gets it. His choice of not being around for me, for not being active in my life has made me who I am today. It’s a huge imprint on my persona. I don’t know if he gets that.

So the ho’s are going to find out that I’m having WLS on Friday. My boss is going to tell them, or I should say I’m going to tell them at our sales meeting on Friday. I’d rather it not being during the meeting ’cause it gives them the chance to talk about it, and I have NO desire whatsoever to hear their thoughts or “good for you’s” about it. I’d rather it just be a fact and lets move on. I’m having a meeting with my boss tomorrow, it’s our, supposed-to-be-usual weekly meeting with each other. So I’m going to bring up my whole time off issue. I have a total of 2 weeks and 3 days of vacation and sick time available, so I’ve scheduled myself to use all of it up. However, after going to the WLS support group over the weekend, I’m thinking that I might need more. Everybody was fine it’s just that they were really, really tired. Like they’d go to the store and have to come home to take a nap. So I physically could come back to work after the two weeks but I’d rather not. Plus my boss did say that she thought I should be able to work from home, so I don’t think there should be any problem with me working from home if need be. Although with the whole billing stuff, that would require me to come in. It’ll be fine.

I just know that I’m not going to want to come back to work, period. Not because I’ll be tired, but because I just won’t want to come back and see these people and have to be in charge of the paper clips again. I’m soo determined to get out of here. It’s all that I want, it’s all that I think about when I’m here. It’ll happen though, of that I am entirely sure.