it’s not gettting any better

by Valli

When I was in kindegarten my mom would drive me to school every morning and I would cry as we got closer and closer to the school. I didn’t want to go school. My mom was perplexed she didn’t know why I was so dead set against going. So one day she came with me to class, which made me very happy, and she watched what was going on. She could see that I was extremely bored, and that the vast majority of the kids in the class were operating on a different level than me. When my teacher asked me if I wanted to work out of the cool workbook I said yes and instantly lighted up at the prospect of doing some real, challenging work. After seeing that my mom went into the other kindegarten class down the hall, that class was working on more advanced things, they were reading, learning numbers. So my mom went to the principal and got my class changed. Once I was in the new class, I immediately learned to read and I didn’t dread going to school every day.

I thought about this story last night while I was trying to go to bed. It sprung to mind because I was thinking about my current feelings for my new job. It’s been getting me down lately because I have nothing to do yet, no real tangible tasks that I can do, things that I can look forward to working on the minute I get into the office. I hate having to come in and manufacture some sort of relevant task to do. All of that makes me anxious and irritated (and it doesn’t help that I’m PMSing right now too) and I’m extremely bored. Boredom and Valli don’t mix. So all of that reminded me of Kindegarden and how some things don’t change.

That’s just who I am. I don’t want to go in to work (or school) if I know that there’s nothing to do and that I’m going to be bored out of my gourd. It causes anxiety, all of that uncertainty. And while I know that I can’t help the fact that I have nothing to do I also have this feeling that it’s my fault or responsibilty that I don’t have anything to do. I don’t know what to do with myself. Dreading going into work is the worst feeling and it’s not quite that bad, but it’s been a little bit like that these past few days. I’ve used my usual coping tactics, by just taking things bit by bit.