There’s something about Ryan Adams. I looove him. I truly love this guy. I love his music. It’s so comforting. I bought his latest cd today,”Easy Tiger,” it came out on Tuesday. I highly recommend it.

I also bought Kelly Clarkson’s cd “My December” I recommend that one too. She sounds totally pissed on this record. I love it! She’s frustrated by love and guys and I can totally relate.

Is it bad that I’m 26 (soon to be 27) and I use the word “totally”? hm.. I don’t think so, it’s a part of my persona and I try to not use it in the wrong situations, ya know meetings with the CEO (like that happens all the time), that kind of thing.

So I got the new Mandy Moore CD this week, Tuesday the day it came out to be exact, and I loooooove it. Looove it! She sounds kinda pissed and jilted on this CD and I’m eatin’ it up like that skinny asian guy in those food eating competitions.

There are a bunch of good songs with just totally right on lyrics. For example the song “Nothing That You Are,” it has lyrics, great melody and I am in love with the drums. Another song called “Latest Mistake” is yet another song that resonates with me for a reason that I won’t go into here. Other goodies are: All Good Things, Wild Hope and Gardenia.

Here’s my latest thing about guys. All I want is one guy for the rest of my life that will love me as much as I love him. It’s that simple. I was watching Kathy Griffin’s Bravo reality show “My Life on the D-List” and it covered her father’s death. He was 90! I think it’s awesome he lived that long. Anyway, he and his wife were together for over 30 years. That’s so great, and when Kathy asked him what the secret was to their marriage, he said that you just had to find someone who thought was just neatest thing and they had to feel the same way about you. I’m totally paraphrasing but it came out to be something like that.

I feel like I’m holding myself back from being myself. I’ve noticed this since being in this new job. The first week I was ok ’cause I was thinking this place could be just like things were at ANG, I just have to get through meeting everyone and learning the ropes. Well it hasn’t been quite that easy. The difference with ANG was that the web department was a handful of people. It was us against everybody else. Now I’m a little girl fish in a big pond of male fishies that have their own cliques. And then you factor in the fact that everything that I can do is on hold or out of my hands, and you’ve got a recipe for restlessness.

I love the money that I make, but unfortunately that’s not enough. I just wish I could be doing something that I felt content with on all fronts.

And having the fact that I don’t have a degree thrown in my face all the time is not helping to make me feel more comfortable. It’s making me long for a way out of all this. Well he did give me an out, kinda. Long story.

I don’t know what to do with myself. I was checking out a NASCAR-related article online today and my boss comes up behind me and just stares at the screen. I’m like “what’s up?” and he’s all, “oh nothing, just checking out what’s going on” something to that effect. I just want to scream! Like get away! Go find something for me to do.. jeez.

I’m frustrated and he knows it. This is all very ugly. Wow. I didn’t mean to use that word but it fits.

I want to be free, free to do whatever the fuck I want to do whenever the fuck I want to do it. And what that means is that I want to be able to wake up in the morning and get up whenever I want. I want to make my own schedule, day-to-day. I want to decide what I do next and how I do it. I was meant to be independent. Maybe I should be a blogger that’s affliated with a large company, not owned by them.

I recently read Carly Fiorina’s book “Tough Choices: A Memoir.” I highly reccommend it! It’s such a great book. It just shows you all of the retardation that exists in business. It doesn’t matter what company you work for or even if you love what you do. It’s still there, although if you love what you do then it’s easier to deal with the dillweeds.

Anywhoo.. I’m so glad that I get to not think about all of this for the next three days because I will be in La La Land for my youngest nephews birthday.

no, not THAT Paula. Paula Cole people! I love this woman, she is one of my most favorite female singer/songwriters, and she’s finally put out a new CD. It’s called “Courage” and it’s pretty good. Not as awesome as her second CD “This Fire” but it still has great songs & lyrics.

My current fave song that is oh-so-relevant to me right now is called “it’s my life,” and the lyrics follow:

That quiet voice inside of my soul,
It’s rising up again.
Oh I know it’s the time, life is short.
Gotta grab the wheel of my life.

Indecision, should-haves, could-haves,
Will only rip my joy away.
This inner cross-roads may defi ne me,
But it’s the only way.

‘Cause it’s my life,
And I am free,
To live my life,
The way I feel.

For all the people who hear my song,
Why not take a chance?
By the keeping the child alive in our heart,
There’s truth and meaning there.

Trusting beauty,
Truth, perfection,
I’ll never lead my light astray.
Listen to my intuition, Gather up my faith.

‘Cause it’s my life,
And I am free,
To live my life,
The way I feel.

Deep inside I know I can,
Deep inside I’m beautiful,
Tell myself I won’t give up,
Tell myself have courage now.
Willingness and openness,
Step by step and day by day,
Over time a thousand fields,
Will have passed beneath my feet.

‘Cause it’s my life.

This is hard, there are so many things I want to say but I’m afraid to type them up here. Too many damn prying eyes all around. I can’t use the word bored anymore. There must be another word that means the same but has a more tragic feeling to it.

Right about now I’d kill for like walls, walls that I could sit in. No, I’d kill for a conference call or a meeting, some sort of busy work. But I can’t think of anything. I could email someone for more information but that doesn’t require me to actually do anything, it only takes a second to send an email. I need something that’ll eat up hours and hours of time.

What can ya do? How could I have known that it was going to be this way? I saw the good from the outside. I didn’t get to see all the players and how they interacted. No one ever gets to see that before they’re hired. The truth is, I needed more money so that I could breathe financially speaking. And now that I have that, I need to be able to breathe creatively.

I really, really, really, hope that the people at NASCAR.COM will be open to my NASCAR Year idea.

You need to buy the Kings of Leon’s new cd “Because of the Times.”

Just do it, you won’t be sorry.