must. blog. about. this.

by Valli

So I got the new Mandy Moore CD this week, Tuesday the day it came out to be exact, and I loooooove it. Looove it! She sounds kinda pissed and jilted on this CD and I’m eatin’ it up like that skinny asian guy in those food eating competitions.

There are a bunch of good songs with just totally right on lyrics. For example the song “Nothing That You Are,” it has lyrics, great melody and I am in love with the drums. Another song called “Latest Mistake” is yet another song that resonates with me for a reason that I won’t go into here. Other goodies are: All Good Things, Wild Hope and Gardenia.

Here’s my latest thing about guys. All I want is one guy for the rest of my life that will love me as much as I love him. It’s that simple. I was watching Kathy Griffin’s Bravo reality show “My Life on the D-List” and it covered her father’s death. He was 90! I think it’s awesome he lived that long. Anyway, he and his wife were together for over 30 years. That’s so great, and when Kathy asked him what the secret was to their marriage, he said that you just had to find someone who thought was just neatest thing and they had to feel the same way about you. I’m totally paraphrasing but it came out to be something like that.

I feel like I’m holding myself back from being myself. I’ve noticed this since being in this new job. The first week I was ok ’cause I was thinking this place could be just like things were at ANG, I just have to get through meeting everyone and learning the ropes. Well it hasn’t been quite that easy. The difference with ANG was that the web department was a handful of people. It was us against everybody else. Now I’m a little girl fish in a big pond of male fishies that have their own cliques. And then you factor in the fact that everything that I can do is on hold or out of my hands, and you’ve got a recipe for restlessness.

I love the money that I make, but unfortunately that’s not enough. I just wish I could be doing something that I felt content with on all fronts.

And having the fact that I don’t have a degree thrown in my face all the time is not helping to make me feel more comfortable. It’s making me long for a way out of all this. Well he did give me an out, kinda. Long story.

I don’t know what to do with myself. I was checking out a NASCAR-related article online today and my boss comes up behind me and just stares at the screen. I’m like “what’s up?” and he’s all, “oh nothing, just checking out what’s going on” something to that effect. I just want to scream! Like get away! Go find something for me to do.. jeez.

I’m frustrated and he knows it. This is all very ugly. Wow. I didn’t mean to use that word but it fits.

I want to be free, free to do whatever the fuck I want to do whenever the fuck I want to do it. And what that means is that I want to be able to wake up in the morning and get up whenever I want. I want to make my own schedule, day-to-day. I want to decide what I do next and how I do it. I was meant to be independent. Maybe I should be a blogger that’s affliated with a large company, not owned by them.

I recently read Carly Fiorina’s book “Tough Choices: A Memoir.” I highly reccommend it! It’s such a great book. It just shows you all of the retardation that exists in business. It doesn’t matter what company you work for or even if you love what you do. It’s still there, although if you love what you do then it’s easier to deal with the dillweeds.

Anywhoo.. I’m so glad that I get to not think about all of this for the next three days because I will be in La La Land for my youngest nephews birthday.