I am constantly trying to simplify the seemingly complicated things in my life. Endlessly I try to break things down into easy to swallow bite-sized chunks, but that doesn’t seem to work.

There are things that I would love to do with my life but they seem so out of reach. I’ve thought about a bunch of things. Everything from blogging full-time to becoming a preschool teacher. But it comes down to not wanting to have to change my lifestyle drastically. I love living on my own, even if my current apartment annoys me. The thought of living with my mom just because freaks me out, there has to be a good reason for it, it has to be a means to an end (and the end has to be close in sight).

I’ve suddenly felt very alone at home. I don’t know what it is… Knowing that my whole thing with Matt is now completely over I think adds to the overall feeling of loneliness that I’ve been sitting in as of late. I know logically that the whole thing is totally pointless and that I should never put anymore thought into it but because it’s the last shred of any kind of relationship that I’ve got to cling to, I cling to it. But no more. With this entry I am getting out every single song lyric that I’ve been singing to for these past few weeks with such conviction you’d think I’d wrote the damn things myself. These are excerpts by the way, not the full songs.

All Good Things by Mandy Moore (Wild Hope CD)

Lost inside of my head
Empty side of the bed
I fill this place without you
I keep pushing the blues
‘Cause I don’t wanna lose
What I loved about you

All good things
I wish you
All good things
Come to an end
All good things
I wish you well

I could think of a million ways
You proved you weren’t the one for me
To live inside of your shades of grey
And never mind the sunshine that I’ll find

Latest Mistake by Mandy Moore (Wild Hope CD)

‘Cause I wanted you the first time
And I loved you from the second
And I don’t know how that ever goes away
As far as I can tell
You’re really good at talking
So I think its time you let me know

I’m just your latest mistake

I wonder what will make you happy
I wonder what you’ll do with it all
I have a map in my head
Somehow still don’t understand
Why I always have to miss you
Why I have to make the call

Someone’s gonna have to step up
Someone’s gonna have to clean this mess up

Before you drive me away
Take a good look at me, baby
Picture me not lying on your couch
Well, I wish the best for you
Everytime you go thru this
Before you finally figure it out

Gravity by Sara Bareilles (Little Voice CD)

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you’re everything I think I need here on
The ground.
But you’re neither friend nor foe though I can’t seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down

Between The Lines by Sara Bareilles (Little Voice CD)

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always between the lines
Between the lines

I thought i thought i was ready to bleed
That we’d move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all
Too late two choices to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He’d already left with the other
So i’ve learned to listen through silence

And now that that’s over I’m posting this as proof of my vow to never call him again. I must stick to this, it’s the best thing for him and for me. If I don’t then I’ll continue in this circle of wanting something that I can’t have and shouldn’t really want in the first place. So yes, that chapter of my life is over and we can all continue on and never make mention of it again.

I just watched two great movie trailers… hopefully they’ll equal two great movies!

First off, I love Parker Posey. Like seriously. Her new movie is called “Broken English” and I know it’ll totally hit the spot for me. The trailer immediately hit home with me in regards to love, relationships and work. Parker’s hair looks particularly awesome I must say and people have been gabbing about her performance in this movie so I wanna see it… Anywhoo… Here’s the link, check it out…

http://www.apple.com/trailers/magnolia/brokenenglish/trailer/

The second trailer is for the movie “August Rush” starring Jonathan Rhys-Meyers and Keri Russell. Jonathan is hot of course and Keri is just cool in general. The trailer got me, I almost cried! It comes out in October, so hopefully the emotional stuff won’t be overplayed-up before then. It’ll be a must-see no matter what. I love the music angle and them all coming together in the end, which they have to do! They must!

http://www.apple.com/trailers/wb/augustrush/trailer1/

Doh! I can’t believe I didn’t think of this sooner. I don’t know if this is actually feasible but what if I quit my job, after paying some major stuff off of course, and then got some easy peasy retail job. Then I could write in my blog whenever and I’d be free of the daily office grind. I could focus even more so on getting my blog out there and trying to work with NASCAR.

I don’t think that’d work really, I can do the same thing now. I am doing the same thing now. I am going to work with NASCAR and I’m going to go to all of the races of the 2008 season. There’s just no way around that. I need to be there and I will be there. I just hate this waiting for word back, I want to know what these people think and I want the chance to really explain it. They need to hear me directly.

I have no idea why I’m still at work. It’s the most pointless thing in the world. I have nothing to do and I sit here trying to act like there’s something. it’s the funniest thing in the world. I don’t like the looks I’ve been getting. I didn’t make this happen, I didn’t create this situation. They created it. If you want me to do something, then give me something to do! UGH!

I can’t even remember why I was hired anymore. I seriously don’t know. Don’t ask me if I want it, just give it to me. Ugh. This is really the last time that I’m going through this. I’m sure I’ll encounter rough waters when I’m out there as a full-time blogger, but at least I’ll be doing my thing and not someone elses. Or faking doing someone’s elses.

The waiting is the hardest part. I know that I have a unique voice and perspective and I know that it’s something that no one else has ever done before. At least not consistently.