i am veruca salt

by Valli

Yes, the character from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory who sings,”I don’t care how, I want it now!”

I’ve realized that she has been my subconscious idol ever since I saw her dance and sing across my TV screen, moaning about needing goose eggs.

I get it. I’ve been there. I’m extremely impatient about things that I’m really excited about. It can be anything from a guy I’ve decided I really like to the new Death Cab For Cutie CD, (which did just come out this week and I can’t wait to get it). I have no patience, I am without patience. I understand impatience inside and out.

And it has hurt me, it’s hurt my life because I just can’t wait. I’m afraid that if I wait I’ll miss out and there won’t be enough time. Time is passing SO quickly and I don’t want to fail. But in turn by being impatient and impulsive about certain things — for example what turned out to be the WORST job opportunity ever — I’ve set myself back, like, 5 years. At least, that what it feels like.

I’m trying really hard to look for the opportunity inside the problem/mess, but the problem is that I have a hard time trusting myself and what I want.

Wait, no, I know what I want. I just have a hard time deciding/trusting that what I want is the right thing to do. Everyday I’m bombarded with messages that say that I should do what makes me happy. I should follow my bliss. I should make my dreams happen. Do what you were meant to do! Do you what you love. Don’t let your dreams die! Live you best life!! But what if the dream that I’m chasing isn’t really anything at the end of the day? What if I follow this NASCAR thing to the end and in the end all that’s there is just a really big pot of debt, with no husband or children to cushion the blow of never being successful at the things that I wanted to be successful at?

I like to write. I like writing for myself (which is why I’ve started up here again–it’s been WAY too long–and turned the commenting feature off & blocked search engines) and I like writing about my experiences. I love the fact that NASCAR is a sport that takes place outdoors, which is where I like to be. I feel productive there. I like sharing my stories and that’s ALL I want to DO. I like traveling. I love hotels. I like taking the shuttle bus to the car rental counter. I like packing. I love rehashing little moments that happened to me in my head, moments that might not mean anything at all to anyone else but me. I like it when people tell me they read my blog and they like it. I love it when they tell me they love it.

So I came up with another idea on how I can get something going for TFATF and I’ve decided to hold off on pulling the trigger on it until next week. It’s an idea I’m excited about and think could actually work. Normally I’d jump right it and it’d be done by now. But instead I’m waiting. (I hate that word) and I’m going to decide whether or not I’m going to do it next week. You have no idea how painful it is for me to wait. I think my theme song is “I Don’t Wanna Wait” by Paula Cole. But I’m doing it anyway and we’ll see what happens.