So I got the new Mandy Moore CD this week, Tuesday the day it came out to be exact, and I loooooove it. Looove it! She sounds kinda pissed and jilted on this CD and I’m eatin’ it up like that skinny asian guy in those food eating competitions.

There are a bunch of good songs with just totally right on lyrics. For example the song “Nothing That You Are,” it has lyrics, great melody and I am in love with the drums. Another song called “Latest Mistake” is yet another song that resonates with me for a reason that I won’t go into here. Other goodies are: All Good Things, Wild Hope and Gardenia.

Here’s my latest thing about guys. All I want is one guy for the rest of my life that will love me as much as I love him. It’s that simple. I was watching Kathy Griffin’s Bravo reality show “My Life on the D-List” and it covered her father’s death. He was 90! I think it’s awesome he lived that long. Anyway, he and his wife were together for over 30 years. That’s so great, and when Kathy asked him what the secret was to their marriage, he said that you just had to find someone who thought was just neatest thing and they had to feel the same way about you. I’m totally paraphrasing but it came out to be something like that.

I feel like I’m holding myself back from being myself. I’ve noticed this since being in this new job. The first week I was ok ’cause I was thinking this place could be just like things were at ANG, I just have to get through meeting everyone and learning the ropes. Well it hasn’t been quite that easy. The difference with ANG was that the web department was a handful of people. It was us against everybody else. Now I’m a little girl fish in a big pond of male fishies that have their own cliques. And then you factor in the fact that everything that I can do is on hold or out of my hands, and you’ve got a recipe for restlessness.

I love the money that I make, but unfortunately that’s not enough. I just wish I could be doing something that I felt content with on all fronts.

And having the fact that I don’t have a degree thrown in my face all the time is not helping to make me feel more comfortable. It’s making me long for a way out of all this. Well he did give me an out, kinda. Long story.

I don’t know what to do with myself. I was checking out a NASCAR-related article online today and my boss comes up behind me and just stares at the screen. I’m like “what’s up?” and he’s all, “oh nothing, just checking out what’s going on” something to that effect. I just want to scream! Like get away! Go find something for me to do.. jeez.

I’m frustrated and he knows it. This is all very ugly. Wow. I didn’t mean to use that word but it fits.

I want to be free, free to do whatever the fuck I want to do whenever the fuck I want to do it. And what that means is that I want to be able to wake up in the morning and get up whenever I want. I want to make my own schedule, day-to-day. I want to decide what I do next and how I do it. I was meant to be independent. Maybe I should be a blogger that’s affliated with a large company, not owned by them.

I recently read Carly Fiorina’s book “Tough Choices: A Memoir.” I highly reccommend it! It’s such a great book. It just shows you all of the retardation that exists in business. It doesn’t matter what company you work for or even if you love what you do. It’s still there, although if you love what you do then it’s easier to deal with the dillweeds.

Anywhoo.. I’m so glad that I get to not think about all of this for the next three days because I will be in La La Land for my youngest nephews birthday.

I have a confession to make. I have just finished reading a Harlequin romance novel. I know, I know… And not just any romance novel, oh yes, it’s the first in a series of new NASCAR romance novels. And sadly, I want to get the next book when it comes out.

I have so many conflicting feelings, shame, elation, embarrasment, excitement. I made the book my “BART book” and when I’d read it on the train I’d have to stop myself from blushing like a big goofball during the particularly “romantic” parts. I would cover the book’s cover so people wouldn’t know what I was reading.

It was actually a really good read, I don’t think it would win a pulitzer but it was fun. I could easily write one myself. I think that’s what I’ve always been writing since junior high, a bunch of cheesy romance stories, complete with happy endings.

In other news… I’m here waiting for our newsroom to send over a story about the mayors race in Oakland, will they have to do a runoff in November or not?? ugh. Apparently counting is hard.

So what was the best part of my day today? It was lunchtime. I got a whopper with cheese from Burger King, that I only had exactly 4 bites of, and then went down to the marina area. I parked my car, kept the stereo on and read the new book I just bought, Little Earthquakes by Jennifer Weiner.

I think I’ve got it now. I really do. Ironically today I got my copy of the book “He’s Just Not That Into You”. I, of course, broke down and called Brian about an hour or so ago and he was there, had just got done watching the presidential debate. The convo was pretty much fine, and then his “housemate” came in and said they were going, they were going to the store to get beer. So he says “can I call you later?” and I was like Yea, but then he added “call me if I don’t call you” or something like that, call him in case he’s too intoxicated by the beer or something I guess. So I guess the point is, that I get it, I’m not calling him again tonight. If he doesn’t call then he just doesn’t call. I’m worth more than that damnit.

I was sitting here reading that book, with music playing from the TV, and a John Mayer song just happened to come on and all of a sudden I started to cry. ‘Cause he’s the way it’s supposed to be. And I’m not saying John Mayer specifically, ’cause I have no idea what he’s like in person, but when I think of the guy that I’m going to marry someday I want him to make me feel the way John Mayer’s songs do. That’s the way its supposed to be, someone who cares, someone who’ll CALL!

The moral of the story is that the right/good guy is out there and he’ll find me one of these days. He’ll ask me out, he’ll call me, he’ll do all the great things a guy who’s truly into you does. I can’t wait for that, but until then I will continue working on all of the other things in my life that I want to get right.

Like work, speaking of which today was the BBQ after work. I wasn’t feeling well all day today at work, which isn’t shocking since I hate the place, but it was an actual sick/icky feeling that I had. At one point Deb called to say that she had pushed it back to 5pm and I told her that I wasn’t feeling well and I didn’t think I’d go. She was alright about it and said that if I felt better I could still stop by, they’d be there awhile. Then right before I was going to leave for the day I felt like I had to vomit. So I went to bathroom where I had these dry heaves and stuff. It was icky, but it didn’t last long. I think it was because I had more chocolate milk. I need to quit it with that.

Tomorrow is the ren faire and I’m excited about it. I just need to think of a good question to ask our Tarot Lady. I don’t want to ask about guys ’cause it’s such a waste. Maybe I’ll ask if I’m going to marry someone famous. hehe. And watch that’ll be the first time she’ll give me a straight up negative response like “No”.

I have this book called “Conquering Your Quarterlife Crisis”. It’s a really great book. I’d highly recommend it to anyone in their 20’s or 30’s, even if you think you’ve got everything figured out, it’ll still be helpful. I’ve only read like the first chapter and it’s already inspired me and made me feel better about all of the feelings that I’ve been having (more violently) lately. However, I can’t seem to get into reading it right now. I’m tired. Brian can’t, or well said that he didn’t think he would be able to call me tonight ’cause his furniture was arriving at 8pm, and he didn’t know how long it take to get everything inside and he’d probably be tired. So whateva.

I haven’t talked to him over the phone in two days. This is by no means a big deal, unless something comes up for why he can’t talk to me tomorrow night, then I’ll be irked. I’m not emailing him at all tomorrow. I seriously don’t want him to disappoint me in all of this ultimately. I just want him to live up to everything that he’s said, especially his whole honesty dealy. Tomorrow I get my hair done finally. I can’t wait to feel “normal” again. Annd I’ll be able to have Jamie take pictures of me when we’re at the Ren Fair! yay! I need to take a bunch of photos just in general to use all this film that I have. Although it’s really not that urgent. I can take pics at the FT show, if I do decide to go. I dunno. Ugh. I still have to get another band to do the acoustic show. I should check out that band JT suggested. Out of the group I have I have no idea who should be the headliner. I reeeally need to get crackin on that, but shock, surprise, I’m not that motivated. I’m so over doing shows this way, it’s just not right. I should of asked FT BEFORE I set up the show. No use crying over spilled milk?

I have a “review” with my soon to be ex-boss, which I find strange. But I guess everybody is getting them done right now. I’m not looking forward to it at all. I can just hear her saying “be helpful” or something stupid like that. I seriously don’t want to hear it, I don’t want to be judged or reviewed on a job that I don’t really even want to do anymore. Or have to fake it like I actually care, like I actually want to stay with this company. If someone told me they’d give me $25,000 tomorrow(after taxes of course), I’d quit my job in a heartbeat, if that long.

It’s just so weird how all of a sudden my job turned from being crappy but doable, to just totally intolerable. I can’t even get into doing the mundane, mind numbing stuff the same way I used to. It just sucks. I think it’s a combination of a lot of things, like I’ve had a general dislike for the job the whole time, just because it’s a job and not what I want ultimately. And then when Wendy left and Kimmie Gibler came in that totally changed the dynamic of the office, she’s so irritating, and then my surgery, and their reactions to it all. It’s all made me super frustrated. It’s like things keep getting added to the frustration list and nothing is getting subtracted.