There are a bunch of good songs with just totally right on lyrics. For example the song “Nothing That You Are,” it has lyrics, great melody and I am in love with the drums. Another song called “Latest Mistake” is yet another song that resonates with me for a reason that I won’t go into here. Other goodies are: All Good Things, Wild Hope and Gardenia.

Here’s my latest thing about guys. All I want is one guy for the rest of my life that will love me as much as I love him. It’s that simple. I was watching Kathy Griffin’s Bravo reality show “My Life on the D-List” and it covered her father’s death. He was 90! I think it’s awesome he lived that long. Anyway, he and his wife were together for over 30 years. That’s so great, and when Kathy asked him what the secret was to their marriage, he said that you just had to find someone who thought was just neatest thing and they had to feel the same way about you. I’m totally paraphrasing but it came out to be something like that.

I feel like I’m holding myself back from being myself. I’ve noticed this since being in this new job. The first week I was ok ’cause I was thinking this place could be just like things were at ANG, I just have to get through meeting everyone and learning the ropes. Well it hasn’t been quite that easy. The difference with ANG was that the web department was a handful of people. It was us against everybody else. Now I’m a little girl fish in a big pond of male fishies that have their own cliques. And then you factor in the fact that everything that I can do is on hold or out of my hands, and you’ve got a recipe for restlessness.

I love the money that I make, but unfortunately that’s not enough. I just wish I could be doing something that I felt content with on all fronts.

And having the fact that I don’t have a degree thrown in my face all the time is not helping to make me feel more comfortable. It’s making me long for a way out of all this. Well he did give me an out, kinda. Long story.

I don’t know what to do with myself. I was checking out a NASCAR-related article online today and my boss comes up behind me and just stares at the screen. I’m like “what’s up?” and he’s all, “oh nothing, just checking out what’s going on” something to that effect. I just want to scream! Like get away! Go find something for me to do.. jeez.

I’m frustrated and he knows it. This is all very ugly. Wow. I didn’t mean to use that word but it fits.

I want to be free, free to do whatever the fuck I want to do whenever the fuck I want to do it. And what that means is that I want to be able to wake up in the morning and get up whenever I want. I want to make my own schedule, day-to-day. I want to decide what I do next and how I do it. I was meant to be independent. Maybe I should be a blogger that’s affliated with a large company, not owned by them.

I recently read Carly Fiorina’s book “Tough Choices: A Memoir.” I highly reccommend it! It’s such a great book. It just shows you all of the retardation that exists in business. It doesn’t matter what company you work for or even if you love what you do. It’s still there, although if you love what you do then it’s easier to deal with the dillweeds.

Anywhoo.. I’m so glad that I get to not think about all of this for the next three days because I will be in La La Land for my youngest nephews birthday.

I have so many conflicting feelings, shame, elation, embarrasment, excitement. I made the book my “BART book” and when I’d read it on the train I’d have to stop myself from blushing like a big goofball during the particularly “romantic” parts. I would cover the book’s cover so people wouldn’t know what I was reading.

It was actually a really good read, I don’t think it would win a pulitzer but it was fun. I could easily write one myself. I think that’s what I’ve always been writing since junior high, a bunch of cheesy romance stories, complete with happy endings.

In other news… I’m here waiting for our newsroom to send over a story about the mayors race in Oakland, will they have to do a runoff in November or not?? ugh. Apparently counting is hard.

I was sitting here reading that book, with music playing from the TV, and a John Mayer song just happened to come on and all of a sudden I started to cry. ‘Cause he’s the way it’s supposed to be. And I’m not saying John Mayer specifically, ’cause I have no idea what he’s like in person, but when I think of the guy that I’m going to marry someday I want him to make me feel the way John Mayer’s songs do. That’s the way its supposed to be, someone who cares, someone who’ll CALL!

The moral of the story is that the right/good guy is out there and he’ll find me one of these days. He’ll ask me out, he’ll call me, he’ll do all the great things a guy who’s truly into you does. I can’t wait for that, but until then I will continue working on all of the other things in my life that I want to get right.

Like work, speaking of which today was the BBQ after work. I wasn’t feeling well all day today at work, which isn’t shocking since I hate the place, but it was an actual sick/icky feeling that I had. At one point Deb called to say that she had pushed it back to 5pm and I told her that I wasn’t feeling well and I didn’t think I’d go. She was alright about it and said that if I felt better I could still stop by, they’d be there awhile. Then right before I was going to leave for the day I felt like I had to vomit. So I went to bathroom where I had these dry heaves and stuff. It was icky, but it didn’t last long. I think it was because I had more chocolate milk. I need to quit it with that.

Tomorrow is the ren faire and I’m excited about it. I just need to think of a good question to ask our Tarot Lady. I don’t want to ask about guys ’cause it’s such a waste. Maybe I’ll ask if I’m going to marry someone famous. hehe. And watch that’ll be the first time she’ll give me a straight up negative response like “No”.

I haven’t talked to him over the phone in two days. This is by no means a big deal, unless something comes up for why he can’t talk to me tomorrow night, then I’ll be irked. I’m not emailing him at all tomorrow. I seriously don’t want him to disappoint me in all of this ultimately. I just want him to live up to everything that he’s said, especially his whole honesty dealy. Tomorrow I get my hair done finally. I can’t wait to feel “normal” again. Annd I’ll be able to have Jamie take pictures of me when we’re at the Ren Fair! yay! I need to take a bunch of photos just in general to use all this film that I have. Although it’s really not that urgent. I can take pics at the FT show, if I do decide to go. I dunno. Ugh. I still have to get another band to do the acoustic show. I should check out that band JT suggested. Out of the group I have I have no idea who should be the headliner. I reeeally need to get crackin on that, but shock, surprise, I’m not that motivated. I’m so over doing shows this way, it’s just not right. I should of asked FT BEFORE I set up the show. No use crying over spilled milk?

I have a “review” with my soon to be ex-boss, which I find strange. But I guess everybody is getting them done right now. I’m not looking forward to it at all. I can just hear her saying “be helpful” or something stupid like that. I seriously don’t want to hear it, I don’t want to be judged or reviewed on a job that I don’t really even want to do anymore. Or have to fake it like I actually care, like I actually want to stay with this company. If someone told me they’d give me $25,000 tomorrow(after taxes of course), I’d quit my job in a heartbeat, if that long.

It’s just so weird how all of a sudden my job turned from being crappy but doable, to just totally intolerable. I can’t even get into doing the mundane, mind numbing stuff the same way I used to. It just sucks. I think it’s a combination of a lot of things, like I’ve had a general dislike for the job the whole time, just because it’s a job and not what I want ultimately. And then when Wendy left and Kimmie Gibler came in that totally changed the dynamic of the office, she’s so irritating, and then my surgery, and their reactions to it all. It’s all made me super frustrated. It’s like things keep getting added to the frustration list and nothing is getting subtracted.

This morning when I came in no one was here. It was great. It lasted until about 10 or 11 something. I turned on the TV, ’cause I felt like it. I accidentally spilled orange juice on my jeans so I went home for lunch. I figured if Rox or Kim was here when I got back it would be off, but Kimmie Gibler is here and it’s still on. Shocking.

I found this great job ad on craigslist that I really, really want. I’m not going to talk about it too much because if I don’t get an interview I’ll be annoyed that I said anything about it at all.

I gotta get that book “He’s Just Not That Into You” from that dude who was on Oprah yesterday. His book is now the #1 selling thing on Amazon.com because of Oprah. Gosh, if I could get on Oprah with just ONE of my ideas I’d be a friggin millionaire.

Okay.. I am INSANELY happy right now. They’re turning the book “In Her Shoes” by Jennifer Weiner into a movie!!! I love that book! And Cameron Diaz and Toni Collete are staring in it… So awesome!! Check it out here. I hope it doesn’t suck. But then again Toni Collette kicks ass.

So I get to leave work early, so I’m going to take advantage of it!

quirkyalone (kwur.kee.uh.lohn) n. adj.
A person who enjoys being single (but is not opposed to being in a relationship) and generally prefers to be alone rather than date for the sake of being in a couple. With unique traits and an optimistic spirit; a sensibility that transcends relationship status. See also: romantic, idealist, independent

It was totally fate that I found this book. The book is called “quirkyalone: a manifesto for uncompromising romantics” That’s me! I’m off to go home and read this fabulous book before American Idol comes on. It’s going to be soo good.

yay!

Ok, that was a serious run on sentence right there. Anyway. My mom did the usual “go back to college” song and dance. I wish she would stop ’cause it’s so not going to happen. I’m determined to get what I want without that damn degree. But she did say something good. She said that I haven’t really searched out all the possibilties and really talked to someone who’s doing what I want to do and asked them how I could get into it. So to pick up where I started this entry at, after I had my cry and we talked I went to Barnes & Noble, got a bunch of business magazines (to re-engergize) a new “chik lit” book (to zone out) and a book on CD by Dr. Deepak Chopra about “coincidences” and how to listen to them (to help me relax). Then I went to the Vitamin Shoppe (as I like say “vitamin shoppeeeeeeeeeee”) and got some Echincea ’cause I felt like I was getting sick, and then over to the new Jamba Juice for my first ever Jamba Powerboost, which was a total boost and pretty yummy. Now if only they had a drive thru like Starbucks.

Anyway… after I did all that I came back home and went on Craigslist and wrote this ad for the Los Angeles resumes section.

Shallow, Superficial Super Personal Assistant Available
——————————————————————————–
Reply to: valli_krd@yahoo.com
Date: Sat Jan 24th 05:04

I’m not actually shallow or superficial but I thought that might get a laugh.

At any rate, I am a smart young woman with tons of admin work experience in varied fields. Unfortunately for me the one field that I haven’t delved into has been the entertainment industry, and wouldn’t you know it that’s the one place I want to be the most.

Aside from the administrative work experience that I’ve had, I’ve also worked with local bands, producing shows. My work can be viewed at www.playgroundpresents.com

What my work with The Playground proves is that I know how to organize – people, places & things. And I know how to do it well and without pissing off cops. (in case you require that type of thing, I don’t know, maybe you do) Seriously, I live to organize, to make things run better, faster and more efficiently. Couldn’t we all use a little of that in our lives?

One of the bands that I’ve worked with (and continue to) has gone on to be signed by Columbia Records, they’re called Fingertight (and they’re an awesome band btw)

At work, I’m always the person people ask for help when they don’t know how to spell a word, or how to use a particular computer program. I possess intelligence, a sense of humor, perfectionist tendencies and a strong dose of common sense.

I currently live in Northern California but am willing and able to move to Los Angeles for the right position. I’m not going to lie and beat around the bush, you don’t have the time to waste and neither do I. This is my life and I want to be happy and have as much fun as possible. What this means is that I want to have a job that I love, within an industry that I love. What this also means is that I’m not going to fool around and not do a great job. I want to do a phenomenal job and help people.

You want someone you can trust and communicate with and feel like you’re getting your ideas across. Did I mention that I’m an incredible communicator? That’s mostly because I get what you’re trying to do, I get that you don’t want to have to tell someone something over and over again. I get that you want to save time.

So if you’re looking for someone to be your right hand, your gal friday, then send me an email (valli_krd@yahoo.com) and I’ll send you the official version of my resume.

If you’re not interested in hiring me (why not??) I am interested in meeting people who are either in this kind of position already or are trying to hire someone, and talking to them about how to get into this kind of work.

——-the end———

I love what I wrote. It’s pretty funny if I do say so myself. I’ve had one response so far from someone who wanted a picture and my resume. Weird. I didn’t give either of course. I wrote ‘em back and asked him what they wanted them for, you know in consideration for what?? I’m going to delete it and post it again on monday when people are back at work or whatever lookin’ for fabulous peeps like me.

Can I just say here and now that I don’t like the version of the song “why don’t you and I” by Santana with Alex Band from The Calling? I hate his vocals on it and I much prefer Chad Kroeger’s.. they’re sooo much better…

That’s pretty much all that I wanted to say.. Oh and that I had a fantabulous dream about Dale Earnhardt Jr. the other night. Okay, it wasn’t the greatest actually. It started crappy and ended crappy but the middle was good. So I’m this place, I don’t know where really for sure, I don’t think it was a race but maybe. Anyway he was there and there were all these blonde, stick figure girls around and around him and I was of course “ew gag me”. So I thought all hope was lost of him ever wanting to get with me, then somehow we come together and he’s totally into me and we’re making out and it’s great. Then at the end I’m like “You’re just so intoxicating” (I told my mom I said that she’s like “what did he say? ‘that’s the cheesiest line I’ve ever heard’, my mom’s a nut) to which he didn’t say anything but then something happened to where I wasn’t who he thought I was like physically, and he had to go ’cause he was supposed to be with one of the blonde stick figures. So I was like fucking A! Strangely enough I’m not and was not (in the dream) mad about it. I was sad but I felt like he could come back or that he would come back. Weirdness. I was just happy that I finally have a dream where I kiss Dale Jr.

I’m out now because there’s this documentary/show thingy coming on about Nascar and Dale Jr that VH1 did, hehe.. I’m tivo’ing it and then it’s Golden Globe time! woo-hoo!

It’s a lot harder than it sounds. I think I have a pretty realistic outlook on life, but there are sometimes where I feel like I could be more positive about things. I could use more good luck, who couldn’t? Especially in the dude department.

Every time I read the magazine, Fast Company, I’m even more motivated to make my dreams happen. It’s the best. I sat up till 2am on Friday night reading it and I ended up having the best sleep ever. I also starting writing my resignation letter. Yes it’s a little premature but there are so many things that I want to say that I just had to start writing. Maybe that’s why I slept so well.

Work is pretty much the same ole, same ole. Except I’ve taken to using my headphones because I can’t stand to hear people talking. So I know have Die Trying blasting in my ears and I love it. I wish I didn’t have to keep getting up to send faxes & junk. Grr.

I finally finished the book “The Other Boleyn Girl” by Phillipa Gregory on Friday. That book was so friggin good. I would love to option it and turn it into a screenplay.

So I was watching Project Greenlight on HBO and those director guys are so freaking stupid. I don’t know what world they were living in when they signed up for this contest but they have no clue about how Hollywood works. I’ve never worked in the industry, never done anything remotely close to it except watch Entertainment Tonight and read magazines and even I know that you don’t get everything you want when you’re working on a movie, that’s technically -your- movie and -your- script. It’s their money you’re using. Nutjobs. And to make it worse they’re arrogant buttheads. Lame, Lame, Lame. I would have so much fun if I got that opportunity. I’d just savor it. It’s only the beggining, so what if you don’t get the actor you want or the DP you want cuts you off mid sentence, who cares?? You’re making a fucking movie with MIRAMAX you freak! Get over yourself. Save all that crap for later when people actually WANT you to make their movies for them, then you can bitch and moan like a little baby.

She has overstepped her damn bounds. I hate her. It’s official. Yes folks, I’m talking about my supervisor. She sucks. So tomorrow I must have the interview OF MY LIFE. ‘Cause the only thing I want in the world right now is to get out of this god forsaken office for good.