I love this song, and it helps that I like Michael Bublé in general. It’s kinda crazy how it sums up my life at this exact moment. I’m really at a loss for what to do next. Part of me wants to just do nothing and hope that the right person will just show up, and another part of me thinks that I should be actively doing stuff like online dating and going to bars. It’s like I need to “prove” that I really want to meet someone. People have said you should treat your love life like it’s a part-time job and you have to be “in it to win it.” Ugh. Whatever. Then I think if I’m doing too much then I’m being all desperate. I dunno, but the whole do nothing approach sounds really great to me right about now.

My favorite plan is the one where I’m so busy with NASCAR stuff and writing that I never have time to think about looking for someone and they just find me, and it develops naturally. I really like being busy with something that I love to do. I’m working on getting more of that going on in my life.

I am in complete shock and I am so sad. I just watched “Brokeback Mountain” for the second time over the weekend, with my mom, it was her first time seeing it. He did such a wonderful job in that role. He was such a talented actor. This is indeed a tragedy. And I think it hurts just a little bit more because he was from my generation.

Reminds me of the way I felt when I heard that River Phoenix was dead. All that talent gone to waste. I just wish people could face whatever their demons are and move through it, instead of letting it ruin their lives.

UPDATE: Okay, so it wasn’t drugs, thank god. It seems kinda creepie say that I’m glad that it wasn’t drugs, ’cause either way he’s still dead. But I’m glad that it’s looking like it wasn’t another “typical” Hollywood-related tragedy. So now this reminds me of when Nikki Taylor’s sister Krissie died from her asthma inhaler.

In other news.. I was late to work this morning because I got up late and because I was watching the Today show. They had the top ten NASCAR Nextel Cup drivers on to unveil the new Nextel Cup Cup (the trophy). Anyway, Junior was on and I had to sit and watch and drool. He’s such a cutie, but he had horrible body language. His arms were folded across his chest. Not good. Made it seem like he didn’t want to be there, and hell maybe he didn’t want to be there, but I dunno, I worry about his image and people’s impressions of him. Although the fact that he is freaking popular is annoying, ’cause ya know you’d always rather have your favorite all to yourself.

Just a quick question. I found the show Lizzie Maguire highly enjoyable, but who the hell told Hilary Duff that she could have a singing career? Lame.

I gotta clear up some stuff from my past entries. Ok, so when we went to Ago I saw no celebrities. Totally sucked. I’m celebrity repellant or something. We think it’s because we went to dinner early, around 7:30. So oh well. I’m determined to go back and see someone, anyone. I don’t care if it’s Carrot Top. I gotta see somebody. I really wanna go to the Ivy. That place always has someone.

I never rented a couch from RentaCenter, that place is so sleazy and gross. Don’t ever go there. yuck, patooey.

I just updated that “shallow, superficial” ad I made for Craigslist to find a job in LA. I tweaked it for the bay area. So hopefully I’ll get an email from some fabulous angel. Keep yur fingers crossed!

The only problem now is that I gotta figure out what I’m going to wear to dinner tomorrow night. I gotta dress up and all my dressy stuff is too big. So I’m going to have to do some super fast shopping right after work. ugh.

Okay, so I just called John Mayer. Eddie gave me his address and phone number. I’m freaking out. I just called the number and the guy answered and I was all “I’m sorry I have the wrong number” and the guy goes “oh its no problem”.. And I think it was him…. I don’t want to call him and be like “I’m in love with you” and I don’t wanna fuck with his privacy. So it’s really pointless to have that information. grrr. ‘Cause I’m sure he’d be like “well how’d you get this number?” and then he’d change it and I’d be lumped in with all those wacky fans who call him at home. Ech. But it’s still exciting. *sigh* I’d really rather just bump into him (literally) on the street somewhere. That’d be nice.

So it’s only two weeks till the party. I’m very excited about that. I still have no couch and I probably won’t get it until the end of Sept./beginning of October. Although I’m looking into renting a couch for the month, which would be great, but I gotta check it out. It’s looking like that might be possible. If it isn’t then I’ll just buy a bunch of floor pillows, bring down the folding chairs from my mom’s place. It’ll be cool… Ah! Just talked to Rent a Center and it is possible to rent a couch for a month. Perfecto.

1.) John Mayer (anytime, anyplace)
2.) Ben Affleck (his political stumping for kerry/edwards just solidifies the fact that he is so cool)
3.) Mark Mulder (pitcher for the Oakland A’s, tall and hoottt)
4.) Gary Gulman (from Last Comic Standing on NBC, tall and hooottt and funny)
5.) Dale Earnhardt Jr. (anytime, anyplace)
6.) Josh Duhamel (there should be a reality show called “win a date with Josh Duhmel”, huge ratings, huge!)
7.) Leonardo Di Caprio (yes, he’s with Gisele, but you never know what could happen)
8.) Vince Vaughn (super tall, super hot and super funny)

This list can be edited at anytime to add or delete men. I really posted that because I wanted to gush about what a hottie Mark Mulder is and how I think he is just totally gorgeous. Any of these guys I would just like to be in the same room as them. They don’t even have to talk to me, I just wanna see them in person. To see if they’re as fabulous in person as I think that they are on the tele.

So today I had my pre-op appointments. I’ve been pre-admitted, so I have two hospital bracelets on right now that I have to wear until Monday. I had an EKG done and more lab work (blood drawn). They also gave me a breathing thing that I have to use after the surgery to make sure my lungs are ok. Tomorrow is the last day that I can eat regular food, whatever I want basically. But I’m going to make it “light”. Then on Sunday I can only have clear stuff, like apple juice, water, broth, and Jello. Which is exactly what I’ll be able to eat after the surgery.

So now I’m happy that all these little appointments are done and now it’s just the surgery and everything after that I have to deal with. I know I’ll be nervous when I’m at the hospital and I have to hang out by myself in the pre-op room, that’ll suck. But they did say that they give you some medication before you even give you the anesthesia, and that kinda knocks you out so you don’t really remember anything after getting that stuff, until you wake up. Which totally works for me.

I’ve noticed that I use “so” a lot. Gotta stop that. I’ve come to find out that the funniest/most annoying thing to read while I’m on “vacation” will be my work email. I checked it today and got one email from Roxy Bitch this morning asking me to fax some of her contracts to our finance department. First off, She’s known for like ever that I would not be at work on Friday. In fact I even emailed her and everybody that needed to know that I would not be in at work today. Idiots. Then I got another email from my boss no less. She emailed me on Thursday asking for some spec ads that she thought that I had done (but had never asked me to do) for a prospective client. I emailed her back and said that I had never done spec ads for them. This was all at like 10am yesterday. So then she emails me back at like 6:45pm yesterday saying “can you make them?”. Idiots! I swear it’s like they’re taking crazy pills or something. I should write her back and be like, “yeah in two weeks”. Dorks. My opinion of my boss’ brain power is starting to downgrade and thats not a good thing. She’s starting to come down the ranks of Kimmie and Roxy, which is seriously sad.

The sperm donor emailed me back today. The jackass didn’t even say he was sorry for not being there for the majority of my life. I don’t think that he gets it. I even told him that I wanted him to tell me that he understands and he didn’t say that. But he did bring up “creationism”, wacko. It’s just perfect, the perfect cherry on top of the sundae, that he’s a religious person. That’s serious sarcasm people. I don’t believe in “God”, I don’t believe in organized religons, I can’t say I’m truly an Atheist because I do believe in a higher power, but I really and truly dislike all the dogma that comes along with churches and religions, etc. But so, the sperm donor was already trying to push his religious stuff on me, which I find to be INCREDIBLY rude especially given the fact that he’s never been around, knows absolutely nothing about who I am as a person, but yet feels the need to bring up “creationism”. Butthead. Everybody has their beliefs and I respect that, but I just don’t like having shoved down my throat when I didn’t ask for it.

Anywhoo… Someone just emailed me this insanely awesome quote from John Mayer. While introducing the song “Bigger Than My Body” he said “even if you know what you want to do with your life, there is no next day delivery service for it”. I’m so marrying him. Mark my words people! He’s so right and right now I totally wish that there was a service like that ’cause it’s killing me to hafta wait like this for it all to come to fruition.

I guess the point is that I know that it’s going to happen, and as long as I believe and work towards it, everything will fall into place.

Tomorrow is our “summer event”. We were originally going to go to a park and have a picnic, but now we’re going bowling. Ech, yay. I’d much rather go to lunch and call it a day. Hopefully we’ll get there and all the lanes will be taken, then we can just go to a restaurant, like McCoveys. That’d be niiice.

I just realized that having a journal like this is basically free therapy. Its your chance to say anything that you want to say about anyone, ’cause I could even make this private if I didn’t want people to see it. I guess this occured to me because I was thinking about going to a therapist. I just like to say everything that’s in my head and see what makes sense. It’s like throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks.

(side note: I’m watching the video for Velvet Revolver and it made me think of the huge crush I had on Duff McCagen when I was in jr high, it’s over now, but that was funny, and Scott Weiland is just interesting to look at, the dark hair with the blue eyes, super duper skinny…interesting)

Anyway back to my therapy session. So I’m basically taking the steps necessary to find out if I can have gastric bypass surgery. There’s a bunch of little hoops you gotta jump through in order to get the surgery scheduled. There’s a weight loss surgery class, then a nutrition class with a dietician, then a psychological evaluation with a psychotherapist. I gotta have a physical done, then I gotta go to at least one weight loss surgery support group meeting, and then meet with a surgeon who will ultimately decide if I can have the surgery or not. I’ll know by the end of this month whether it’s a go or not most likely. I just want to hurry up and get through all of this evaluation stuff and find out whether or not it can happen, so that if it can I can focus on getting the money together to actually do it.

I told my boss about everything because I’ll have to be out of the office for like half the day one day and then just for a portion of the morning on another. She thought it was a great thing and even offered to get me a laptop for after the surgery when I’m recuperating. I thought that was really nice of her. They’re very understanding she and my other boss. They’re the only ones who know and I’m glad, because I can’t stand the other people and they would talk to much. So they don’t need to know until the last possible moment.

must. go. to. sleep.

Ugh.. I’m now off to make hundreds of copies. I feel so smart. Yay.

Ok, so I’m back and I’m so annoyed at work. As usual. It’s funny, for all intensive purposes things are good with work in general. I got a raise, I get every other monday off. Yay, that’s great. But I still am completely unsatisfied and I don’t want to be here. I’m not some picky nut who can never be satisfied in a job. Yes I like the money that I make and I appreciate it, but there is something that matters more. I want to do something fun and I want to be in charge of it. My bosses aren’t evil people and they don’t need to be in order for me to want to do something else.

Making copies and media kits is not my idea of a good time at work. Ech. Oh I must talk about how irritating Roxy and Kimmy (ya know like Kimmy (or Kimmie) Gibler from Full House, she’s that annoying) were today. Well Roxy came in early in the morning and proceeded to stay for half the day. I got in early so I turned the tv on. So like a few hours past and she didn’t say anything, then it happened. “can we take a break from the tv?” Butthead! So I turned it off. She’s such a butthead, if she’s here tomorrow morning I’m not turning the tv on. I’m just going to play my music. I kinda miss my music anyway. For any day that she’s here I’m not going to fuck with the tv. I’m just going to leave it off and then my boss will be like “why isn’t the tv on?” and I’ll just say “oh I don’t know”… Roxy is such a turd.. I know I’ve said this before but it’s true, when she’s not complaining about how it’s cold in here (hello! we’ve covered this, she says it all the time, we know it’s cold in here, it’s ALWAYS cold in here), she’s saying how quiet it is in here, but then we get a tv for background noise and then it’s too loud…ohh.. her poor ears… what the fuck ever… She’s one of those parents who doesn’t have a TV in her house, or its that or they don’t have cable, something primitive. I don’t get people like that. You know it is possible to have a tv in your house and STILL manage to have smart, intelligent, active kids. Jackass, I think I even heard her talking to her daughter saying she couldn’t have a Teen Glamour or Mademoiselle magazine ’cause it was too smutty or something… What is she smoking?? And as for Kimmy Gibler, she wouldn’t shut up as usual. I had to make media kits for this presentation she was going to give tomorrow (but got cancelled! jerkoffs!) and I know thats why my mood has been particularly shitty today. And the fact that she knows nothing about using a computer just makes things even more perfect. I wish they would all take computer classes, I’m serious, they all need that beginners class we’re they start off by going “this is a monitor, this is a cpu, this is a mouse”

Luckily before Roxy couldn’t handle the noise I got to see John Mayer on The View. He’s so great and single! Always a good thing.

I finally got around to typing up my first draft of my entry into the Coffee House contest. I don’t think I’ve talked about it here yet. So here’s the deal. These two women in Sonora, California own a coffee shop/non-profit ceramics studio. They really want to focus on the non-profit organization and they don’t have the time to run both, so they’re selling the coffee shop. Instead of just going through the normal channels of selling a business they’re holding an essay contest to find a new owner. If you win all you have to do is pay a buck and it’s yours, with all the equipment, furniture, space, etc. Right now the coffee shop and ceramics studio are in the same building, but once the business is sold the ceramics shop is going to move out, so you’ll have the entire space. It’s the coolest thing ever. They haven’t even begun to tap the potential of this place. It’s located in the downtown Sonora area, and they’re already doing great business, without advertising or staying open for the local teenagers after school.

So I’m really excited at the prospect of winning this contest. The first part is the essay, where some friends of the owners will read the entries and separate them into two piles “might be a good match” and “might not be a good match”, then the owners themselves will read the “good matches” and then pick two to five people to come up and interview in person and show them around the shop to make sure they really want to take the place on. Then they’ll offer their pick the coffee shop.

So like I said I finally got around to typing up my entry, after handwriting different ideas in my notebook. It never felt right that way, so when I was typing it, it all sounded great. So I’m leaving work right now and I’m off to find some great stationary. The entry has to be handwritten.

In other news, Joshua hasn’t emailed or called me since we talked Tuesday night. So I’m thinking that that’s a bad thing. haha. Oh well whatever. I had this great dream last night and I’m not even sure why it’s great but it’s really made me feel better. Dale Jr was in it, need I say more?? Well we met up at some party or something. I had seen him earlier in the day. We made eye contact at some point. Then at the party he saw me again and shook my hand as if to say “you’re beautiful, I like you and I wanna get to know you better”. All of that from just touching my hand. I wish it was like that in real life. Anyway, at some point we were alone in this room together and he’d kiss me, but not on the mouth but on my neck or something which felt amazing! The weird thing is it kept flashing between him and Eminem. I wonder what that means. There’s something attractive about Eminem. I dunno. Can’t explain that right now.

Anywhoo. I’m leaving now because well there’s no point in staying. I don’t feel like working on jmf.com stuff or the fan club stuff. I’m outtta here.