I don’t want to be here. Gosh I don’t want to be here. I really need to start playing the lottery.

The sperm donor emailed me back today. The jackass didn’t even say he was sorry for not being there for the majority of my life. I don’t think that he gets it. I even told him that I wanted him to tell me that he understands and he didn’t say that. But he did bring up “creationism”, wacko. It’s just perfect, the perfect cherry on top of the sundae, that he’s a religious person. That’s serious sarcasm people. I don’t believe in “God”, I don’t believe in organized religons, I can’t say I’m truly an Atheist because I do believe in a higher power, but I really and truly dislike all the dogma that comes along with churches and religions, etc. But so, the sperm donor was already trying to push his religious stuff on me, which I find to be INCREDIBLY rude especially given the fact that he’s never been around, knows absolutely nothing about who I am as a person, but yet feels the need to bring up “creationism”. Butthead. Everybody has their beliefs and I respect that, but I just don’t like having shoved down my throat when I didn’t ask for it.

Anywhoo… Someone just emailed me this insanely awesome quote from John Mayer. While introducing the song “Bigger Than My Body” he said “even if you know what you want to do with your life, there is no next day delivery service for it”. I’m so marrying him. Mark my words people! He’s so right and right now I totally wish that there was a service like that ’cause it’s killing me to hafta wait like this for it all to come to fruition.

I guess the point is that I know that it’s going to happen, and as long as I believe and work towards it, everything will fall into place.

Tomorrow is our “summer event”. We were originally going to go to a park and have a picnic, but now we’re going bowling. Ech, yay. I’d much rather go to lunch and call it a day. Hopefully we’ll get there and all the lanes will be taken, then we can just go to a restaurant, like McCoveys. That’d be niiice.

This whole myspace thing has me feeling conflicted. I can’t really explain it. I guess it’s because I am now on that site and there are certain people who are on there that I sometimes talk about in my journal here. It just feels odd. Anyway… I’ve started to write this journal like five different times and I always end up turning off my computer before I post it. It’s 11 something at night and I figure this is as good a time as any to finally get this thing done and out there.

I just realized that having a journal like this is basically free therapy. Its your chance to say anything that you want to say about anyone, ’cause I could even make this private if I didn’t want people to see it. I guess this occured to me because I was thinking about going to a therapist. I just like to say everything that’s in my head and see what makes sense. It’s like throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks.

(side note: I’m watching the video for Velvet Revolver and it made me think of the huge crush I had on Duff McCagen when I was in jr high, it’s over now, but that was funny, and Scott Weiland is just interesting to look at, the dark hair with the blue eyes, super duper skinny…interesting)

Anyway back to my therapy session. So I’m basically taking the steps necessary to find out if I can have gastric bypass surgery. There’s a bunch of little hoops you gotta jump through in order to get the surgery scheduled. There’s a weight loss surgery class, then a nutrition class with a dietician, then a psychological evaluation with a psychotherapist. I gotta have a physical done, then I gotta go to at least one weight loss surgery support group meeting, and then meet with a surgeon who will ultimately decide if I can have the surgery or not. I’ll know by the end of this month whether it’s a go or not most likely. I just want to hurry up and get through all of this evaluation stuff and find out whether or not it can happen, so that if it can I can focus on getting the money together to actually do it.

I told my boss about everything because I’ll have to be out of the office for like half the day one day and then just for a portion of the morning on another. She thought it was a great thing and even offered to get me a laptop for after the surgery when I’m recuperating. I thought that was really nice of her. They’re very understanding she and my other boss. They’re the only ones who know and I’m glad, because I can’t stand the other people and they would talk to much. So they don’t need to know until the last possible moment.

must. go. to. sleep.

Overall this morning has been good, it was preceeded by a purdy good weekend too. I saw Van Helsing with Jamie and Michele. Unfortunately Richy was right about the movie being completely horrible. It was funny though. They should of just turned it into a spoof on vampire flicks or something.

Ugh.. I’m now off to make hundreds of copies. I feel so smart. Yay.

Ok, so I’m back and I’m so annoyed at work. As usual. It’s funny, for all intensive purposes things are good with work in general. I got a raise, I get every other monday off. Yay, that’s great. But I still am completely unsatisfied and I don’t want to be here. I’m not some picky nut who can never be satisfied in a job. Yes I like the money that I make and I appreciate it, but there is something that matters more. I want to do something fun and I want to be in charge of it. My bosses aren’t evil people and they don’t need to be in order for me to want to do something else.

Making copies and media kits is not my idea of a good time at work. Ech. Oh I must talk about how irritating Roxy and Kimmy (ya know like Kimmy (or Kimmie) Gibler from Full House, she’s that annoying) were today. Well Roxy came in early in the morning and proceeded to stay for half the day. I got in early so I turned the tv on. So like a few hours past and she didn’t say anything, then it happened. “can we take a break from the tv?” Butthead! So I turned it off. She’s such a butthead, if she’s here tomorrow morning I’m not turning the tv on. I’m just going to play my music. I kinda miss my music anyway. For any day that she’s here I’m not going to fuck with the tv. I’m just going to leave it off and then my boss will be like “why isn’t the tv on?” and I’ll just say “oh I don’t know”… Roxy is such a turd.. I know I’ve said this before but it’s true, when she’s not complaining about how it’s cold in here (hello! we’ve covered this, she says it all the time, we know it’s cold in here, it’s ALWAYS cold in here), she’s saying how quiet it is in here, but then we get a tv for background noise and then it’s too loud…ohh.. her poor ears… what the fuck ever… She’s one of those parents who doesn’t have a TV in her house, or its that or they don’t have cable, something primitive. I don’t get people like that. You know it is possible to have a tv in your house and STILL manage to have smart, intelligent, active kids. Jackass, I think I even heard her talking to her daughter saying she couldn’t have a Teen Glamour or Mademoiselle magazine ’cause it was too smutty or something… What is she smoking?? And as for Kimmy Gibler, she wouldn’t shut up as usual. I had to make media kits for this presentation she was going to give tomorrow (but got cancelled! jerkoffs!) and I know thats why my mood has been particularly shitty today. And the fact that she knows nothing about using a computer just makes things even more perfect. I wish they would all take computer classes, I’m serious, they all need that beginners class we’re they start off by going “this is a monitor, this is a cpu, this is a mouse”

Luckily before Roxy couldn’t handle the noise I got to see John Mayer on The View. He’s so great and single! Always a good thing.

I finally got around to typing up my first draft of my entry into the Coffee House contest. I don’t think I’ve talked about it here yet. So here’s the deal. These two women in Sonora, California own a coffee shop/non-profit ceramics studio. They really want to focus on the non-profit organization and they don’t have the time to run both, so they’re selling the coffee shop. Instead of just going through the normal channels of selling a business they’re holding an essay contest to find a new owner. If you win all you have to do is pay a buck and it’s yours, with all the equipment, furniture, space, etc. Right now the coffee shop and ceramics studio are in the same building, but once the business is sold the ceramics shop is going to move out, so you’ll have the entire space. It’s the coolest thing ever. They haven’t even begun to tap the potential of this place. It’s located in the downtown Sonora area, and they’re already doing great business, without advertising or staying open for the local teenagers after school.

So I’m really excited at the prospect of winning this contest. The first part is the essay, where some friends of the owners will read the entries and separate them into two piles “might be a good match” and “might not be a good match”, then the owners themselves will read the “good matches” and then pick two to five people to come up and interview in person and show them around the shop to make sure they really want to take the place on. Then they’ll offer their pick the coffee shop.

So like I said I finally got around to typing up my entry, after handwriting different ideas in my notebook. It never felt right that way, so when I was typing it, it all sounded great. So I’m leaving work right now and I’m off to find some great stationary. The entry has to be handwritten.

I can basically leave at any time I want, but I wanted to write something in here. I’m feeling better about things today. I feel better about work. I really shouldn’t hate on this place too much. Overall they aren’t bad people, bad bosses or anything. Just annoying. Which is the way it’s going to be anywhere I go at this point. As long as I get to do the stuff that I like doing and want to do, that should keep me chill until I can quit.

In other news, Joshua hasn’t emailed or called me since we talked Tuesday night. So I’m thinking that that’s a bad thing. haha. Oh well whatever. I had this great dream last night and I’m not even sure why it’s great but it’s really made me feel better. Dale Jr was in it, need I say more?? Well we met up at some party or something. I had seen him earlier in the day. We made eye contact at some point. Then at the party he saw me again and shook my hand as if to say “you’re beautiful, I like you and I wanna get to know you better”. All of that from just touching my hand. I wish it was like that in real life. Anyway, at some point we were alone in this room together and he’d kiss me, but not on the mouth but on my neck or something which felt amazing! The weird thing is it kept flashing between him and Eminem. I wonder what that means. There’s something attractive about Eminem. I dunno. Can’t explain that right now.

Anywhoo. I’m leaving now because well there’s no point in staying. I don’t feel like working on jmf.com stuff or the fan club stuff. I’m outtta here.

Wanna know why March is such a great month? It’s because my Dale Jr. calendar has a great picture of Junior wearing his uniform and a beanie. So adorable. And the coincidence of the day is that I had just moved the jr calender into March, remarked at how hot he is and then walked over the printer and noticed that my “any given day, dale jr” DVD that I had been anxiously awaiting finally arrived! Perfect.

I really want to just go home after work but I told Angela I’d go to the Dshots show tonight. I’m kinda wishing I hadn’t said that I would go. I am still getting over this sickness stuff and I really wanna watch this DVD. Anyway… Talked to Angela and I’m not going to the show. I haven’t eaten and I’m hungry and tired and wah, wah, wah.