I miss looking at someone and seeing all of the possibilities. I’ve only been in that position once and I wasn’t even in love with them yet. Only once have I had that thought that maybe this person is the one I could build a real life with.

I miss being able to think about those things. As I get older the need to feel those things becomes more urgent. There was a great line in the movie “Then She Found Me.” Helen Hunt’s character says, “I want a baby, I can’t explain it, it’s like being hungry or having to pee.”

And so that’s how it is for me. Having kids isn’t something I can take or leave. It’s something that I have to do. It’s something that I don’t want to wait to do either. I know I’m “only 27” but time can go by so fast and I don’t want 10 years to flip by and be 37 and childless. Obviously I really don’t have all that much control over what happens, only to a certain degree, but I can’t make someone love me, hell, I can’t even make them meet me.

I wonder if I should write and post this kind of stuff here because really anyone can read it. Guys that I could be interested in could read this. And so what if they do? If you can’t handle my honesty then that’s tough for you, plus I’m not going to date just anyone in an attempt to have a kid. I have a plan, and that plan involves falling in love — real love — and getting married and having babies, all in that order.

All of a sudden I have a headache. Probably too much Dr. Pepper.

Over these past couple of days I’ve been thinking about something that happened to me a little while ago. Only recently has this moment turned into something bigger. Nothing monumental has happened. I’m still me, still single and working and dreaming.

But in regards to men things have changed, at least for right now. I realized the other day that at this point in time the most important thing for me is to spend the next year chasing my dream of writing full-time and not chasing guys. The thought of getting dressed up to go out to a bar or wherever doesn’t intrigue me. The thought of putting up another personals ad icks me out. I’m over it. Maybe I’ll change my mind, but I truly think that by experiencing life and doing the things that I really, really want to do, I’ll be in a much better place to meet someone. I think it’ll happen that way, as opposed to just being bored and having nothing else to do.

In these past few days of getting ready to move all my stuff into storage with the plan for next year rolling around in my head it occurred to me just how much this next year means to me. There is nothing else I want more than to finally lead the life I’ve imagined. I know 27 isn’t old but it just feels like I’m overdue for this experience.

My last update here was 9 weeks ago. Wow, thanks LiveJournal for letting me know. So I was watching this new show on HBO called “Tell Me You Love Me.” I love that title. Anyway, it’s about three couples at various stages in their relationships. It just got me to thinking about guys. Let’s say I meet “the” guy and we’re together. For everything that you know about someone, you still don’t know them. Just like he’ll never really and truly, know all of me. It’s just the way it is. The thing that gets me though is how horrible it feels when you find out that the little you do know about someone isn’t actually true. You find out that they don’t really like you the way you thought they did.

That’s not a good feeling at all. In fact I have to say it’s the worst feeling in the world. It’s worse than the pain of cramps from my period or that kidney stone I had. And let me tell you having that kidney stone was the worst physical pain that I have ever felt in my life to date. The thing about the pain of learning someone’s true emotions is that it’s a three-prong assault. It’s physical, mental and emotional. It gets you everywhere, ‘causing you to question everything.

I don’t like questioning myself. Especially when I think that I’ve been very clear about something.

It’s amazing how much you learn and change as you grow up. I’m not the same person that I was when I was 21. I have more confidence and in some ways less tolerance.  I can’t stand crazy drivers or people that can’t read signs, or people that don’t wear deodorant.  I think that it’s at this point in my life that there’s only a finite amount of time that I have on this earth and I really don’t want to waste any more of it.

And we all know what that means. That means that I don’t want to waste it doing something that I don’t love. As a result of growing older, more confident in my skin and becoming less tolerant that means that I’m tired of just dreaming. I’m going to start making things happen, those wild crazy dreams I’m going to make them happen.

I owe it to myself first and foremost. But I also owe it to all of the people that care about me. I owe it to them to do all the things that they think I’m probably crazy for doing.

I love this, I love writing like this. Just being completely honest about everything that I’m feeling and thinking. Next year I am going to be able to do this type of writing and my other type of writing in just one place. I am so excited at the thought of it.

I am in day three of my “forced” vacation. Normal people would be happy to not have to go into work for a whole week, but I find myself not particulary happy. I know that my work isn’t being done and I am partly to blame for that. But as the saying goes, “there’s no use in crying over spilled milk”.

Ugh. Then I realized that I’m on morning updates next week which means I probably won’t be getting anything more than the basics done when I’m back at the office. Total clusterfuck when I get back and I’m not really looking forward to that, I just want to get things done.

At least I’ll have the aparment to myself over the weekend. Oh crap.. That just occured to me, that I’ll have the place to myself… I shoulda planned a party or something. Oh well

I really wanted to write about what I’ve been up to lately. It’s all been about work for me lately. It intrigues me to go every day to find out what’s going to happen next. I guess that’s really boring. Maybe I should get a hobby. I was thinking about taking ballet classes, which is harder to find than I thought. I did however find out that The Bar Method has a studio in Walnut Creek. That might be cool to do.

I think I’m just bored of being the “single girl.” Been there, done that, I’m ready for something else, something more. I want to experience more, and I will, and I am already am in different ways, but there’s sooo much more out there.

As for dudes. Hmm… I don’t want to give anyone any false ideas about who I am or what I’m about, even at the risk of sounding incredibly boring. I can’t help that, but I also don’t know what would make me soo exciting either. I’m constantly thinking that other women are doing something so much better than I am, maybe it’s the girl with fifty hobbies that gets the guy. I have no idea. This is all just talk, blah, blah, blah… I need something to put in this blog.

That couldn’t be more true.

So many things happened this weekend I’m still coming down from it all, and it’s totally done a number on my emotions. Today I’ve felt like crying at least 5 times, and for a few of those times I actually got to let it all out. Matt left this morning to go back to his parents place and then eventually back to his home in Arcata. I miss him and I didn’t want him to go. I think about the fact that he’s not here and it makes me sad, but at the same time I know that he wants to be with me and that we’re always going to be in contact and that we will see each other again soon. It softens the distance but it doesn’t erase it. I feel like moving to Arcata to be with him but thats basically impossible.

He’s so thoughtful and sweet. My car wouldn’t start yesterday morning before it was time for me to go to work. Matt figured it was my battery and that I needed a new one. So he drove me to work (in his mom’s truck, his truck actually needed work, and was being worked on in red bluff, so thats why he had to take his mom’s truck down to me) and then went to Sears, bought a new battery, plus tools and a tool box. He installed the new battery and now my car is totally ok. He picked me up from work in my car (trinity) and then I drove us back home. He wouldn’t let me pay him back for the battery and the tools. He also took back the tablecloths I rented for the party, and the keys to the center where the party was held. He did all of that for me and he totally didn’t have to, especially since he doesn’t know the area.

This weekend he literally met all of the people in my family, well all the people that matter. Everybody liked him, which is great and I knew that they would. I knew that he would fit in and get along with everyone.

gotta go.. will write more later.