Yesterday was Survivor Wednesday. Next week they’re going back to Thursdays. Although I like Wednesdays better because it comes faster..but oh well I don’t run the network. Survivor is the one and only reason I’ll ever watch CBS. I’m an NBC loyalist actually….and lately I’ve really been into Fox. I love That 70’s Show. It’s always funny. Oh and that new show Grounded for Life is pretty cool too.

Yesterday was also a day that I didn’t get to talk to Jonathan. I called him twice but I didn’t leave a message. I didn’t want him to know that I called. I think I went to bed at like 8:30 which is the earliest I think I’ve ever gone to bed. I wondered what he was doing, if he went out and met that girl again or if he met someone new. He could of been doing anything really. I’m such a nutty, nutty girl.

I’m totally lost and I have nowhere to go. Reading through some old poetry of mine I started to see a pattern. The Pattern: Me liking guys that only liked me just as friends. You can’t stop your feelings right? So how do I keep myself from falling for guys that won’t fall for me? I guess I can’t. It’s only 8:30am and I’m already wishing lunch would hurry up and happen.

I know a reason why I feel so crappy…I’m friggin poor! I have no damn money.,.. I hafta pay for my car and that’s going to wipe me out till the show… friggin sucks…

Forget everything I said about that guy friend of mine….oh his name is Jonathan. I don’t think I said that before. Anyway I talked to him last night and as usual after tons of contemplation on my part our usual telephone convo was fraught with tons of “should I or shouldn’t I’s” that ended with me hanging up first vowing to not like him and to stop calling him once and for all. I invited him to come to a show that I’m going to with Jamie on Friday and he said that he wasn’t totally sure about if he could go or not, or if he even wanted to. So I just said that I would call him on Friday and see what was up. It’s not a good time to talk to him now anyway because the job offer that he had was taken back and he has to get all this stuff straightened out with his school.

So I really shouldn’t talk to him until after all of that is done. I always feel like a burden to someone when I’m talking to them during small personal crisis’. I have no nuggets of wisdom to give him so I always feel like I’m not of any help. I really should not call him just because, we’ve talked everyday this week and that’s a bit much. He used to be the one to call me, so I would like to go back to that. So I’m not calling him tonight..It’s SURVIVOR night! woo-hoo! And I am going to call him on Friday just to see if he wants to go out with Jamie and I to the movies….but then I shan’t call him…. ugh… I hate saying that I’m not going to call him… I mean he’s not like some normal guy that I like…he is an official “Guy Friend” so I can call him whenever… maybe I should just say that I should curb how long it takes me to call him…ya know? Like if I get the urge to call I should go crochet or something.

The horrible thing is that I am finally happy with my work situation which in turn makes doing shows and all that so much easier. It makes my life easier to deal with.

Jenkies! gotta go…work calls…

Okay…I’m never going on another blind date ever again. At least I won’t if I know after talking to the guy on the phone that he’s totally not for me. I met a guy last night and it was a total mistake. I had to call my friend Jamie and have her call me back and act like she was stranded at the BART station to get out of it. I’m actually in the middle of a self imposed Guy Strike. I’m not supposed to like or ask any guys out. Which I am going to totally uphold now. The only way a Guy Strike can end is if a guy asks ME out first. So I have a feeling it’s going to be awhile.

I’m actually in a total conundrum about a guy-friend of mine. When I first met him he was going through some stuff emotionally and he really didn’t seem all that attractive to me when he was in that state. But now he’s gotten way better, he’s like a different person and I’m starting to like him a lot. He’s a bit taller than me and has really pretty blue eyes. It’s a weird situation, well not really, I think I’ve made it a weird situation by being generally attracted to him. He does have all of the attributes that I want and need in a guy. He’s physically attractive to me, he’s smart, he’s about to get his Masters in Somatic Psychology, and he’ll be making very good money once he’s a licensed Therapist. He’s obviously got a plan and he’s working towards it. He has a car and he doesn’t live at home. What more could you want?

So now I’ve been having a bunch of thoughts like thinking it would be so cool to move in with him and share an apartment. Not necessarily because I like him but because we get along well and I think it would be better for me to room with a guy as opposed to a girl because all the girls I know I know I could never live with, we’d probably end up killing each other. But with Jonathan I think we could mesh well…We do make good friends. Our friendship is different compared to the other guy friends I’ve had…the first Joseph was gay and I was never ever phsyically attracted to him, and the second Joseph was not on the same mental, maturity level as I and there is something about him that makes things just so cumbersome.

I worry that once he finds a girlfriend (and he is looking) that he will leave me behind. I mean, as it stands I talk to him all the time…almost everyday and for long periods of time and we hang out a lot…he’s so free and accesable now…I fear that when he finally does get a GF that she’ll take up all his extra time. I mean he is a self-proclaimed romantic so I don’t know… I shall see where this path will lead me.