I love this song, and it helps that I like Michael Bublé in general. It’s kinda crazy how it sums up my life at this exact moment. I’m really at a loss for what to do next. Part of me wants to just do nothing and hope that the right person will just show up, and another part of me thinks that I should be actively doing stuff like online dating and going to bars. It’s like I need to “prove” that I really want to meet someone. People have said you should treat your love life like it’s a part-time job and you have to be “in it to win it.” Ugh. Whatever. Then I think if I’m doing too much then I’m being all desperate. I dunno, but the whole do nothing approach sounds really great to me right about now.

My favorite plan is the one where I’m so busy with NASCAR stuff and writing that I never have time to think about looking for someone and they just find me, and it develops naturally. I really like being busy with something that I love to do. I’m working on getting more of that going on in my life.

I know that that wasn’t my fault. I really, really do, but I can’t help but feel it sometimes. And sometimes you need to be able to get that out of your head. The song below does that for me, it gets it out so that I can move on to the positive thoughts.

“Tapes” by Alanis Morissette

“I am someone easy to leave”
“Even easier to forget”
a voice, if inaccurate

Again: “I’m the one they all run from”
Diatribes of clouded sun
Someone help me find the pause button

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren’t my own
Wreaking havoc

“I’m too exhausting to be loved”
“a volatile chemical”
“best to quarantine and cut off”

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren’t my own
Wreaking havoc

“I’m but thorn in your sweet side”
“You are better off without me”
“It’d be best to leave at once”

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my heard aren’t my own
Wreaking havoc

It’s so good (and brilliant if I do say so myself) that I want to give it to her now! Grr. Oh well, Mother’s Day isn’t that far off (May 11th) so I think I can make it. I’ll post it photos of it here when it’s all said and done.

But lately it’s been worse. It’s the damn holidays I guess. I went to Los Angeles with my mom to my sister’s house for Thanksgving. One of my nephews was playing the piano and I got all teary-eyed over that. I don’t know what it was; I guess I was just so proud of him. All my nephews are so cool, even in their young age.

At any rate, the holidays can be tough. I’ve learned that if you have family you have issues and there’s just no way around that.

What do you think of the new look? I dig it. I was kind of hesitant to put all my personal blog entries in a place where they can be easily found, but I was tired of trying to update three different places. So now if you want to know what’s going on with me (that doesn’t relate to my racing blog) you only have one place you need to look.

The only problem now is that I gotta figure out what I’m going to wear to dinner tomorrow night. I gotta dress up and all my dressy stuff is too big. So I’m going to have to do some super fast shopping right after work. ugh.

Okay, so I just called John Mayer. Eddie gave me his address and phone number. I’m freaking out. I just called the number and the guy answered and I was all “I’m sorry I have the wrong number” and the guy goes “oh its no problem”.. And I think it was him…. I don’t want to call him and be like “I’m in love with you” and I don’t wanna fuck with his privacy. So it’s really pointless to have that information. grrr. ‘Cause I’m sure he’d be like “well how’d you get this number?” and then he’d change it and I’d be lumped in with all those wacky fans who call him at home. Ech. But it’s still exciting. *sigh* I’d really rather just bump into him (literally) on the street somewhere. That’d be nice.

By my mom bringing this up again it just made me realize that this was what I needed to do or else it’s going to take so long for me to get my fico scores up, get collateral, all the crap they scrutinize when you’re looking for business loans. And there are a lot of pros of going non-profit. The tax breaks, the discounts, the ability to get free money for the start up. Then I wouldn’t have to worry about paying people back, but just getting the place up and running and working properly. So now I have something to focus on, something to work on and keep my mind off of all this food stuff. Which as time goes on becomes less and less a huge issue in my head. It’s still hard, don’t get me wrong, but I’m not as emotional about it.

Tonight I have a hair appointment, which’ll be good and then I gotta go to Barnes & Noble to get a book on non-profits. I also need to start looking for foundations that give money to ideas like mine. Hopefully it won’t be a depressing process.

I fully intend to. This whole thing with the sperm donor is completely over. He’s such a royal jackass. I don’t want to talk about what he said to ruin everything for himself. Just know that it was completely out of line. He really and truly has no empathy. My therapist says that its possible to be born without the ability to empathize. He definitely doesn’t have it, ’cause he could never put himself in my shoes and even try to understand or sympathize with how I felt. Good riddance I say. I’m better off without him, as I have been for the past 24 years now.

Anyway, only three more days of crap ass work. Yay! I’m sure once the surgery day is upon me I’ll be nervous, but until then I shall be looking forward to it and the two weeks I have off because of it.

1.) I know that I have no desire to see my sperm-donor father right now, nor do I even want to email him back. He’s just irritating to me, and he’s not doing anything special to irritate me, I’m just not interested in learning about him right now. I have no idea when I’ll want to learn more, either.

2.) Now that I’ve paid off my big-three credit debts, I feel better, but still kinda crappy because I can get everything right now. I know, I know it’s totally childish but I guess I’m a little bit like Veruca Salt, “I don’t care how, I want it now!” There are three things that I really, really, want to get right now. A couch, the bookshelf & bookshelf/desk and a laptop. All of which I’ll have the money to buy over the coming months, but it’s the fact that I have to do it, “over the coming months” that annoys me. I could of not paid off the credit cards that quickly but I wanted them done and gone. I’m sick of thinking about them.

to be continued…

The sperm donor emailed me back today. The jackass didn’t even say he was sorry for not being there for the majority of my life. I don’t think that he gets it. I even told him that I wanted him to tell me that he understands and he didn’t say that. But he did bring up “creationism”, wacko. It’s just perfect, the perfect cherry on top of the sundae, that he’s a religious person. That’s serious sarcasm people. I don’t believe in “God”, I don’t believe in organized religons, I can’t say I’m truly an Atheist because I do believe in a higher power, but I really and truly dislike all the dogma that comes along with churches and religions, etc. But so, the sperm donor was already trying to push his religious stuff on me, which I find to be INCREDIBLY rude especially given the fact that he’s never been around, knows absolutely nothing about who I am as a person, but yet feels the need to bring up “creationism”. Butthead. Everybody has their beliefs and I respect that, but I just don’t like having shoved down my throat when I didn’t ask for it.

Anywhoo… Someone just emailed me this insanely awesome quote from John Mayer. While introducing the song “Bigger Than My Body” he said “even if you know what you want to do with your life, there is no next day delivery service for it”. I’m so marrying him. Mark my words people! He’s so right and right now I totally wish that there was a service like that ’cause it’s killing me to hafta wait like this for it all to come to fruition.

I guess the point is that I know that it’s going to happen, and as long as I believe and work towards it, everything will fall into place.

Tomorrow is our “summer event”. We were originally going to go to a park and have a picnic, but now we’re going bowling. Ech, yay. I’d much rather go to lunch and call it a day. Hopefully we’ll get there and all the lanes will be taken, then we can just go to a restaurant, like McCoveys. That’d be niiice.