Yesterday morning on my way to work I asked for a sign that The Playground would happen, that I would be able to get out of this crap ass job that I have and finally be happy in my work life. Well, the first sign that I thought I got was my horoscope that said something about if you’re dedicated to it, you can make it happen. Then I read the email I got from my sister for my birthday (I couldn’t read it till yesterday ’cause I couldn’t access work email at home for some reason), and she said (amongst other things) that she was proud of me, etc. But I think the real sign was when my mom came over to show me her outfit that she’d worn yesterday. We went shopping and I picked out this pink skirt that she normally wouldn’t have chosen, and she ended up getting a ton of compliments all day at work & school for it. So anyway… she was telling me how she was talking to her trainer during her work out about my idea for The Playground. The trainer thinks it’s an insanely great idea and was like why not do it as a non-profit? And my mom was like yea, I should bring that up to her again. So she did and making The Playground a non-profit is not what I wanted to do ultimately but in the grand scheme of things this is the easiest, fastest, best way to make this thing happen.

By my mom bringing this up again it just made me realize that this was what I needed to do or else it’s going to take so long for me to get my fico scores up, get collateral, all the crap they scrutinize when you’re looking for business loans. And there are a lot of pros of going non-profit. The tax breaks, the discounts, the ability to get free money for the start up. Then I wouldn’t have to worry about paying people back, but just getting the place up and running and working properly. So now I have something to focus on, something to work on and keep my mind off of all this food stuff. Which as time goes on becomes less and less a huge issue in my head. It’s still hard, don’t get me wrong, but I’m not as emotional about it.

Tonight I have a hair appointment, which’ll be good and then I gotta go to Barnes & Noble to get a book on non-profits. I also need to start looking for foundations that give money to ideas like mine. Hopefully it won’t be a depressing process.

I fully intend to. This whole thing with the sperm donor is completely over. He’s such a royal jackass. I don’t want to talk about what he said to ruin everything for himself. Just know that it was completely out of line. He really and truly has no empathy. My therapist says that its possible to be born without the ability to empathize. He definitely doesn’t have it, ’cause he could never put himself in my shoes and even try to understand or sympathize with how I felt. Good riddance I say. I’m better off without him, as I have been for the past 24 years now.

Anyway, only three more days of crap ass work. Yay! I’m sure once the surgery day is upon me I’ll be nervous, but until then I shall be looking forward to it and the two weeks I have off because of it.

Some things that I know:

1.) I know that I have no desire to see my sperm-donor father right now, nor do I even want to email him back. He’s just irritating to me, and he’s not doing anything special to irritate me, I’m just not interested in learning about him right now. I have no idea when I’ll want to learn more, either.

2.) Now that I’ve paid off my big-three credit debts, I feel better, but still kinda crappy because I can get everything right now. I know, I know it’s totally childish but I guess I’m a little bit like Veruca Salt, “I don’t care how, I want it now!” There are three things that I really, really, want to get right now. A couch, the bookshelf & bookshelf/desk and a laptop. All of which I’ll have the money to buy over the coming months, but it’s the fact that I have to do it, “over the coming months” that annoys me. I could of not paid off the credit cards that quickly but I wanted them done and gone. I’m sick of thinking about them.

to be continued…

I don’t want to be here. Gosh I don’t want to be here. I really need to start playing the lottery.

The sperm donor emailed me back today. The jackass didn’t even say he was sorry for not being there for the majority of my life. I don’t think that he gets it. I even told him that I wanted him to tell me that he understands and he didn’t say that. But he did bring up “creationism”, wacko. It’s just perfect, the perfect cherry on top of the sundae, that he’s a religious person. That’s serious sarcasm people. I don’t believe in “God”, I don’t believe in organized religons, I can’t say I’m truly an Atheist because I do believe in a higher power, but I really and truly dislike all the dogma that comes along with churches and religions, etc. But so, the sperm donor was already trying to push his religious stuff on me, which I find to be INCREDIBLY rude especially given the fact that he’s never been around, knows absolutely nothing about who I am as a person, but yet feels the need to bring up “creationism”. Butthead. Everybody has their beliefs and I respect that, but I just don’t like having shoved down my throat when I didn’t ask for it.

Anywhoo… Someone just emailed me this insanely awesome quote from John Mayer. While introducing the song “Bigger Than My Body” he said “even if you know what you want to do with your life, there is no next day delivery service for it”. I’m so marrying him. Mark my words people! He’s so right and right now I totally wish that there was a service like that ’cause it’s killing me to hafta wait like this for it all to come to fruition.

I guess the point is that I know that it’s going to happen, and as long as I believe and work towards it, everything will fall into place.

Tomorrow is our “summer event”. We were originally going to go to a park and have a picnic, but now we’re going bowling. Ech, yay. I’d much rather go to lunch and call it a day. Hopefully we’ll get there and all the lanes will be taken, then we can just go to a restaurant, like McCoveys. That’d be niiice.

I knew it but I didn’t know it. I had a dream last week about my father, or it had my father in it, a lot. So I’m thinking it’s about him. Anyway it was horrible and I hated it. Of course now I can’t remember anything about the dream in specific, except that he was there and I hated how I felt. Somehow Michele and I on our way back to my apartment Friday, got on the subject of dads, hers mostly. But it made me think of mine.

Cut to this morning when I check my email at work at the first thing I see is an email from my sperm donor with a subject line that says “would like to see my Daughter”. Lets also point out that I don’t like to be emotional at work, nor do I like these people to know anything about my personal life that’s really personal, like duh, my relationship with my father (or lack thereof). So I thought I had it under control. I welled up with tears, and nobody saw, I went to the ladies room to collect myself. Thought I was okay, but then I forwarded the email to my mom., who I know had to have had a hand in all of this, saying that it was a good thing I was meeting with a therapist on Friday. Then I couldn’t help it and the tears came again. Then my boss came over and was like “Whats wrong?”, asking if I wanted to talk about it (no), do I wanna cry on her shoulder? (no). Then Roxy comes over. (thank whoever, that kimmie gibler wasn’t there) and I’m trying to tell them what happened in between my sobs and weird breathing. I told them that my father emailed me, and that I hadn’t seen him since junior high school (now thinking about it, it was actually high school that I last saw him), and they’re all “so those are tears of joy” and I’m like “no”.

So I’m ok now. Although whenever I think about it, I well up with tears. I’m more pissed than anything that I had to read this at work. Even if he had sent it to my personal email addy, I still would of read it at work. I’m still pissed that this all happened here. It’s just not good.

This is annoying. It just adds to stuff that I already have in my head that I want to get rid of. I want to get back to where I used to be, where I was just daydreaming about starting the clothing company and not being here anymore. But I’m fine. I mean I’m definitely not seeing him anytime soon, maybe not even until after the surgery. I’m just not in the mood. Maybe I’ll just correspond over email, until I feel like seeing him and who knows when that will happen, if at all.

So I wrote him back. It’s a totally bitchy, angry letter and I could care less if he gets pissed, which he shouldn’t because he knows that he’s fucked up big time. There is such a huge disconnect between us that I have no idea how we could ever be close. I know that we won’t be “close”, I’m never going to call him “dad”, it’s too far gone for that. I don’t think I’ve ever heard him say that he understoode how I felt about him. I don’t think that I have. I just don’t think that he gets it. His choice of not being around for me, for not being active in my life has made me who I am today. It’s a huge imprint on my persona. I don’t know if he gets that.

So the ho’s are going to find out that I’m having WLS on Friday. My boss is going to tell them, or I should say I’m going to tell them at our sales meeting on Friday. I’d rather it not being during the meeting ’cause it gives them the chance to talk about it, and I have NO desire whatsoever to hear their thoughts or “good for you’s” about it. I’d rather it just be a fact and lets move on. I’m having a meeting with my boss tomorrow, it’s our, supposed-to-be-usual weekly meeting with each other. So I’m going to bring up my whole time off issue. I have a total of 2 weeks and 3 days of vacation and sick time available, so I’ve scheduled myself to use all of it up. However, after going to the WLS support group over the weekend, I’m thinking that I might need more. Everybody was fine it’s just that they were really, really tired. Like they’d go to the store and have to come home to take a nap. So I physically could come back to work after the two weeks but I’d rather not. Plus my boss did say that she thought I should be able to work from home, so I don’t think there should be any problem with me working from home if need be. Although with the whole billing stuff, that would require me to come in. It’ll be fine.

I just know that I’m not going to want to come back to work, period. Not because I’ll be tired, but because I just won’t want to come back and see these people and have to be in charge of the paper clips again. I’m soo determined to get out of here. It’s all that I want, it’s all that I think about when I’m here. It’ll happen though, of that I am entirely sure.