If I’m addicted to anything it would have to be coffee and new music. I just heard the new song from Dave Barnes called “Until You” and it’s so good that I wish I could live inside of it. I’ve said that about other songs many times before and I guess what it really means is that the song makes me feel good and I never want it to stop. There are some voices that just make me melt. Like John Mayer’s on his song “Slow Dancing In A Burning Room.”

Needless to say I am looking forward to Dave’s new CD which comes out on April 1st.

Even though I’m back living with my mom, I feel like I’m on the right path, finally! Oh and for the record, my mom is absolutely wonderful. I owe her everything. I am lucky to have her. So it’s not about having to live with her, it’s just about the fact that I don’t have my own place.

Everything feels right for right now. My racing blog is growing and I’m going to two, not one, but two NASCAR races in the coming weeks.

I keep thinking about this idea — or it might have been a dream, I’m not sure — I had when I was younger. I saw myself living in my dream home (a big house with a wrap-around porch) that was situated out in the country, far from other neighbors, but still close to city stuff. I was married with children and I worked from home the majority of the time as a writer. At that point in time I didn’t know what I would be writing.

There have been times when I strayed from this idea, well yea many times. My problem has been that I’m passionate about a lot of different things. I’m very curious and when something intrigues me I’ll come up with an idea for it, like that whole Superficial Clothing Company thing and then of course The Playground. But I’ve always loved to write. Through writing I could make my own world. I remember writing those silly & naive love stories when I was in junior high. I loved reading them and imagining it all coming to life. It’s funny, my formula has stayed the same, I always meet the guy in some random situation, and he’s never someone I already knew through family or friends. It was always some chance meeting in a music or book store, or outside my house. ha.

I always wrote for myself and not necessarily for other people. I kinda stepped out of my box in high school when I was the co-editor of the newspaper. My idea to go around to the other local high schools to interview the kids there about what their campus was really like was freaking brilliant, if I do say so myself. I got to get out of school and check out the hot dudes at other schools.

Anyway, with The Fast and the Fabulous and now this magazine deal I really feel like my fantasy of working from my dream home is totally possible.

I think there’s a big misconception of me out there amongst the people that know me personally. Because I grew up being the bookish, shy person nobody thinks that I want the spotlight. But I do! I mean, I love public speaking. I welcome it. And the idea of having my own show thrills me to no end. Don’t get me wrong, the idea of interviewing people freaks me out, but in a good way. I know I can do it, that’s not the issue. I just want to do it right and do it well. So the question isn’t about if I can, it’s really about can I kick ass and take names when I do.

First, I must say this: If anyone dares read all of my entries from the past 5 years I must apologize in advance.

I went through all of my old posts to categorize them and I can’t believe some, okay most of, the things I’ve written. Everything that has to do with work seems to be let’s just say not so good. Looking back I think that I can safely say that I was immature about a lot of things, especially when it comes to work and guys.

I’m 27 now and I think, no I know, that I have learned a lot about who I am and what it is that I really want in this life. So instead of whining and complaining about whatever my current situation is I’m going to think and act positively to get to where I really want to be.

So all I’m asking from you is to not hold anything you read from when I was 22, 23, 24, 25 against me. It isn’t all bad, really there are some lessons that I learned through all of that stuff that I am truly grateful for. And really all of that had to happen in order for me to be where I am now.

I think the fact that I don’t even write in my personal blog that often is a sign of things changing. I don’t know, all I know right now is that next year I am living my life for me and I’m not going to let whatever little roadblocks that may pop-up get in my way. I’m too tired of saying things, wishing for things, hoping for things to happen. I’m going to start making things happen. I’ve done it before in fits and starts but this is really it.

My last update here was 9 weeks ago. Wow, thanks LiveJournal for letting me know. So I was watching this new show on HBO called “Tell Me You Love Me.” I love that title. Anyway, it’s about three couples at various stages in their relationships. It just got me to thinking about guys. Let’s say I meet “the” guy and we’re together. For everything that you know about someone, you still don’t know them. Just like he’ll never really and truly, know all of me. It’s just the way it is. The thing that gets me though is how horrible it feels when you find out that the little you do know about someone isn’t actually true. You find out that they don’t really like you the way you thought they did.

That’s not a good feeling at all. In fact I have to say it’s the worst feeling in the world. It’s worse than the pain of cramps from my period or that kidney stone I had. And let me tell you having that kidney stone was the worst physical pain that I have ever felt in my life to date. The thing about the pain of learning someone’s true emotions is that it’s a three-prong assault. It’s physical, mental and emotional. It gets you everywhere, ‘causing you to question everything.

I don’t like questioning myself. Especially when I think that I’ve been very clear about something.

It’s amazing how much you learn and change as you grow up. I’m not the same person that I was when I was 21. I have more confidence and in some ways less tolerance.  I can’t stand crazy drivers or people that can’t read signs, or people that don’t wear deodorant.  I think that it’s at this point in my life that there’s only a finite amount of time that I have on this earth and I really don’t want to waste any more of it.

And we all know what that means. That means that I don’t want to waste it doing something that I don’t love. As a result of growing older, more confident in my skin and becoming less tolerant that means that I’m tired of just dreaming. I’m going to start making things happen, those wild crazy dreams I’m going to make them happen.

I owe it to myself first and foremost. But I also owe it to all of the people that care about me. I owe it to them to do all the things that they think I’m probably crazy for doing.

I love this, I love writing like this. Just being completely honest about everything that I’m feeling and thinking. Next year I am going to be able to do this type of writing and my other type of writing in just one place. I am so excited at the thought of it.

“… trying to fit a square into a circle was my life … ”

Who knew such truths could be found by watching Laguna Beach. But ya know they do have great music on that show.

“… but you’re the storm that I believed in … ”

I should just let the nouns come to me… people, places and things. I push for something that I think that I want and then I realize that I don’t really want it once I get it. But it’s not that I don’t want it at all, I just don’t want it the way that it’s being given to me. I know that won’t make sense to anyone but it makes a lot of sense to me. That’s all that matters really. I write this blog for myself, not for you.

These are the things that I need to do this weekend:
1.) wash my hair 2.) vacuum the floors

It’s 9:23 on Saturday night and have I done either of those things? Mmm, nope. I’m tempted to do the hair thing right now, because tomorrow is NASCAR in the morning and then my usual nap. I’m usually sluggish after that. But oh well it’ll have to wait until then. I’m too tired.

My theory about the fact that the only way I could date a guy who’s my age is after he’s been through stuff and been jaded, has been validated by my therapist.

She reminded me of all the crap that I’ve been through in my life and all the changes/challenges that I’ve brought on in my life, and that I couldn’t be with someone who hasn’t had any of that in their life yet. I totally never thought about that and I think that’s a great point.

I talked to the guy from the modern furniture company. He responded to my “administrative prima donna” ad on Craigslist, said to call him if I was interested in working with them. So I called him before my therapy appt. He sounds young which is great. Not because I wanna get with him but just because it’d be nice to have a boss that I could talk to about more than just what their kids are listening to right now. Apparently it’s just him and two sales people (whom I’m assuming are both dudes) and he has a bookeeper who come in from time to time. And then he has his partners in China who make the furniture. Anyway, I think it could be a great job, it’s a small operation that’s growing and I’d have the ability to make a big impact. He’s supposed to call me on Monday to set up a meeting that same day in the city. Salary is negotiable. niice. Keep your fingers crossed and think good thoughts.

I’m tired, must go to sleep.