Stupidity. It’s running rampant I tell ya. Some guy emailed me about the photo of John Mayer that’s on the front of my site, johnmayerfans.com. It’s a double picture of John Mayer, and he asked me who the other guy was. Is he crazy?? It’s John Mayer! He’s wearing the exact same thing in both photos. So stupid. I think that’s the second time someone has emailed me about that. I need to change the photo probably.

Then there’s various people at work who are suffering from the stupidity disease. But I won’t get into all of their faults right now. I need to go make color copies and I don’t want to, but I do ’cause it gets me out of here, and away from certain people but then again I have to stand around in the retail dept looking like a nut.

I found this “love horoscope” on MSN, this is what it says for me this week:
As soon as you feel you have something good, you want to expand it. You want to make it bigger. If you just started dating someone who you think you might have a connection with, immediately your mind starts to think about a house together, babies, holidays, traveling together, and rocking in chairs on the front porch together until you are old and gray. Hold on there, Virgo. Not so fast. This week, your plans to expand, improve, or strengthen your relationship are likely to backfire. It seems that you are anxious to take your partnership to the next level. That’s fine, but why does it have to be so soon? It doesn’t. Enjoy where you are for the time being, and don’t be so hasty to put the down payment on a new house. For now, just enjoy each other’s company and have a good time. Any moves to take your partnership to the next level this week will end up causing your relationship to move backward, not forward.

That is sooo me! Even when I get some little smidgen of something I’m off and running. Then again I daydream about that stuff even when I haven’t even met the person (I’ve got like, stock daydreams involving Dale Jr. and Mayer that I can call on at any time). So I do need to chill, that’s definitely one of those things that I’m having a hard time changing in myself. But if I just had one good relationship, one good guy I could probably calm down about it all. Hopefully

I’m so proud of myself right now. I made the flier for the acoustic show and it looks pretty good if I do say so myself. yay. Now I just need to make copies and distribute them. ugh. I wonder if the skatepark has a message board. I doubt it.

I think I’ve got it now. I really do. Ironically today I got my copy of the book “He’s Just Not That Into You”. I, of course, broke down and called Brian about an hour or so ago and he was there, had just got done watching the presidential debate. The convo was pretty much fine, and then his “housemate” came in and said they were going, they were going to the store to get beer. So he says “can I call you later?” and I was like Yea, but then he added “call me if I don’t call you” or something like that, call him in case he’s too intoxicated by the beer or something I guess. So I guess the point is, that I get it, I’m not calling him again tonight. If he doesn’t call then he just doesn’t call. I’m worth more than that damnit.

I was sitting here reading that book, with music playing from the TV, and a John Mayer song just happened to come on and all of a sudden I started to cry. ‘Cause he’s the way it’s supposed to be. And I’m not saying John Mayer specifically, ’cause I have no idea what he’s like in person, but when I think of the guy that I’m going to marry someday I want him to make me feel the way John Mayer’s songs do. That’s the way its supposed to be, someone who cares, someone who’ll CALL!

The moral of the story is that the right/good guy is out there and he’ll find me one of these days. He’ll ask me out, he’ll call me, he’ll do all the great things a guy who’s truly into you does. I can’t wait for that, but until then I will continue working on all of the other things in my life that I want to get right.

Like work, speaking of which today was the BBQ after work. I wasn’t feeling well all day today at work, which isn’t shocking since I hate the place, but it was an actual sick/icky feeling that I had. At one point Deb called to say that she had pushed it back to 5pm and I told her that I wasn’t feeling well and I didn’t think I’d go. She was alright about it and said that if I felt better I could still stop by, they’d be there awhile. Then right before I was going to leave for the day I felt like I had to vomit. So I went to bathroom where I had these dry heaves and stuff. It was icky, but it didn’t last long. I think it was because I had more chocolate milk. I need to quit it with that.

Tomorrow is the ren faire and I’m excited about it. I just need to think of a good question to ask our Tarot Lady. I don’t want to ask about guys ’cause it’s such a waste. Maybe I’ll ask if I’m going to marry someone famous. hehe. And watch that’ll be the first time she’ll give me a straight up negative response like “No”.

This whole myspace thing has me feeling conflicted. I can’t really explain it. I guess it’s because I am now on that site and there are certain people who are on there that I sometimes talk about in my journal here. It just feels odd. Anyway… I’ve started to write this journal like five different times and I always end up turning off my computer before I post it. It’s 11 something at night and I figure this is as good a time as any to finally get this thing done and out there.

I just realized that having a journal like this is basically free therapy. Its your chance to say anything that you want to say about anyone, ’cause I could even make this private if I didn’t want people to see it. I guess this occured to me because I was thinking about going to a therapist. I just like to say everything that’s in my head and see what makes sense. It’s like throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks.

(side note: I’m watching the video for Velvet Revolver and it made me think of the huge crush I had on Duff McCagen when I was in jr high, it’s over now, but that was funny, and Scott Weiland is just interesting to look at, the dark hair with the blue eyes, super duper skinny…interesting)

Anyway back to my therapy session. So I’m basically taking the steps necessary to find out if I can have gastric bypass surgery. There’s a bunch of little hoops you gotta jump through in order to get the surgery scheduled. There’s a weight loss surgery class, then a nutrition class with a dietician, then a psychological evaluation with a psychotherapist. I gotta have a physical done, then I gotta go to at least one weight loss surgery support group meeting, and then meet with a surgeon who will ultimately decide if I can have the surgery or not. I’ll know by the end of this month whether it’s a go or not most likely. I just want to hurry up and get through all of this evaluation stuff and find out whether or not it can happen, so that if it can I can focus on getting the money together to actually do it.

I told my boss about everything because I’ll have to be out of the office for like half the day one day and then just for a portion of the morning on another. She thought it was a great thing and even offered to get me a laptop for after the surgery when I’m recuperating. I thought that was really nice of her. They’re very understanding she and my other boss. They’re the only ones who know and I’m glad, because I can’t stand the other people and they would talk to much. So they don’t need to know until the last possible moment.

must. go. to. sleep.

I’ve learned/realized/admitted that I sometimes/a lot of the time make things harder than they have to be. Case in point, going to the Juliana Theory show last night. Mostly I was dreading it because of this whole Joshua thing I was letting get to me. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it or do anything or so I thought. I wasn’t sure if Elise was going to spend the night at my house or not and I really didn’t want her to so that had me all irked and annoyed. I wasn’t looking forward to it. I think that what I wrote in my journal about work and how it’s not that bad and everything that annoys me there will annoy me anywhere I go was really true and it all started to sink in about how I just make things more dramatic and hard in my head than what they really are. Everything ended up being a lot better than I imagined.

Turned out that Elise was staying at her Aunt’s house in Berkeley. So I met her there and we went on to the show in my car. Elises Aunt’s house is fabulous by the way. It’s not a mansion or anything but its this old victorian ish style house, that’s just great. Anyway, it’s what I aspire to have, something unique and beautiful. So anyway the show was FABULOUS. The first band that played was Number One Fan. They’re sooo good. I loved them from the first song they played. I had never heard of them before but they were really good. They’re all like infants or something but still really good. Elise and I both got their cd after the show. The other bands that played before Juliana Theory were Bayside and Anberlin. Anberlin sounds like a great name for a girl. Those bands were good too but not my fave as much as the first. I swear the singer for Bayside is like Scott’s long lost brother or something. They both say the same things on stage, like thanking everyone for coming out like fifty times, saying the band name fifty times… So funny. He even kinda looked like Scott too.

Juliana Theory kicked ass! I love shows where you can get so into it and just not care about who’s around you. Just scream back the song to them, it’s great. I think what made it all the more awesome was the fact that I hadn’t listened to any of their cds in a super long time so I was excited everytime they played a song that I loved. Good times, good times.

I’m really happy that I have tomorrow off. I think I’m going to go to the movies sometime in the middle of the day tomorrow. It’s perfect. Nobody will be there and I can see whatever I want without tons of annoying people around. I saw “Taking Lives” with Angelina Jolie and Ethan Hawke. It was ok, not super amazing, but still interesting. I really liked her character though, ’cause she was different, nothing that I had ever seen her play before. I wanna see “Jersey Girl” tomorrow. That’ll be good.

“If you hate your job, hold down your expenses, save up money for awhile, and invest in your joy. Do it well, get paid, and get fired. It’s not rocket science.”

That is what a poster in our “library” at home says. I put on my cork board like years ago and it still rings true today. That’s my goal in life. To invest in my joy.

I’m bored but I know that there are a lot of things that I could be doing, I just need to get motivated to do them. Bleh.

My eyes are burning, but not burning, burning, but just like they were never supposed to be open this long and they’re tired.

Yes, I’m still tired. I get to go home in twenty minutes, thank god. I’m going to have dinner, watch the final episode of Sex and the City and then go to sleep. Or at least try to sleep. The thing I hate about sleep is that it brings you to the next day faster. I’m already not in the mood to come back here.

At least I know that what I feel isn’t wrong. The feeling that this job is not for me, that I can’t stay in this kind of job for the rest of my life. I’ve felt this way for soooooo long. Just read all my damn journal entries.

Funny. I just realized that I have this weird need with potential friends or romantic relationships. I’d rather not date or hang out with someone who doesn’t have the same general opinion of some key topics, issues, genres, people or feelings. I mean last night on the way home Elise was talking about how she hates/hated Nirvana. I can’t fathom that. I wasn’t the biggest Nirvana fan in the world, but I did cry when Kurt Cobain died. So I was just like thinking to myself “what the??” when she was talking about how she didn’t like his “whiny” songs, even though she likes the “whiny” songs of bands like Simple Plan. Simple Plan is gay. That guys voice is enough to make ME want to kill myself.

Anyway so I was just thinking about all of that and then I was wondering if maybe holding that against her was wrong but I realize it’s not, because that’s just who I am. I’m not going to not ever hang out with her ever again, it’s just gives me a HUGE insight into who she is and where her head is at. There are things that you notice when you first meet someone and you hang with them for like two or three hours and then those things you were a little wary of for those two or three hours get magnified when you’re around them for over 10 hours, and the only thing you want to do is bash their head in when they start saying more and more annoying things, like how Kurt Cobain is whiny.. what the ??

Anyway, not just with her but in general I realize that that’s what I’m always doing in my head, it’s like if someone can’t grasp how insanely good Cameron Crowe or Kevin Smith movies are I can’t deal with them. It’s just not going to work. Which isn’t to say that ALL of their movies are great, but if they can get the jist of how cool they are then ya know that’s cool. Put it this way, I seriously doubt I’ll ever marry a guy who doesn’t love Singles or Chasing Amy, it’s just not going to happen.