I know it’s not true. I know that I am worthy and capable of love, and that one day I’ll be in a relationship that reflects that. It’s just that it’s easy to remember the past, and it’s not even just about the romantic relationships I’ve had. I think of my biological father who basically abandoned me.

I know that that wasn’t my fault. I really, really do, but I can’t help but feel it sometimes. And sometimes you need to be able to get that out of your head. The song below does that for me, it gets it out so that I can move on to the positive thoughts.

“Tapes” by Alanis Morissette

“I am someone easy to leave”
“Even easier to forget”
a voice, if inaccurate

Again: “I’m the one they all run from”
Diatribes of clouded sun
Someone help me find the pause button

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren’t my own
Wreaking havoc

“I’m too exhausting to be loved”
“a volatile chemical”
“best to quarantine and cut off”

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren’t my own
Wreaking havoc

“I’m but thorn in your sweet side”
“You are better off without me”
“It’d be best to leave at once”

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my heard aren’t my own
Wreaking havoc

I always take the long way around in everything that I do. I’m not one for doing things the way you’re supposed to.

I know that people might think that having gastric bypass surgery in order to lose weight is taking the easy way out, but it’s not when you think about the fact that I opted for major surgery that could of ended in death when I didn’t have to.

I didn’t finish college. I’m not looking to become a sports writer for a major publication, going through the ranks from intern to staff writer. Nah, I’d rather do it on my own and create a name for myself. It’s a lot harder this way but it’s how I want it.

I know there’s a part of me that probably gets off on the struggle and the frustration. But maybe that’s because I know it’ll taste that much sweeter when I realize my goals?

At this point I guess it’s about just proving myself to myself and everyone that when I said I was going to have my own business I really meant it. My hairdresser who has been doing my hair since I was like 12 said that for as long as she’s known me I’ve been talking about wanting to have my own thing. That got to me because I still haven’t done it and it’s getting kind of old.

The time is now and I’m sick of talking about how things could be, how I imagine it all. It’s time for it to just be already.

My job was eliminated today and that means I am unemployed. This is not a good thing.

While I won’t miss the job or the work I will miss the money it gave me. That place was just a waiting room for my real passion. I’m not sure what I feel right now or what I’m going to do exactly. This didn’t happen at a good time in my life, is there ever a good time to be let go? I guess not but I was this close to making a transition out of there on my own terms and now I’m fucked.

I know that I’ll be OK in the long run but right now this doesn’t feel good at all. I’m never going to put myself in that kind of position ever again. I couldn’t even look at my now former boss, it makes me sick.

But do you know what the best revenge is? Success, of course. This is my low, boy is it ever, but I’m sorry — I’m only going up from here. I want more for myself, and jesus christ, I interviewed Kyle Petty and Dale Jarrett this month. That has to stand for something, it has to mean something. I’m going places, I know it, even if right now I’m crying my eyes out. I’m not going to let this get me down. There have been too many amazing things that have happened to me this year to let this stupid situation be the thing that holds me back.

When I was waiting to get on plane for my flight back to San Francisco from Chicago last month I decided to pick out all of the guys I wouldn’t mind to have sit next to me. Now that I’m older I’m a lot less shy than I was when I was a teenager. I feel like I’ve grown into myself and know more about who I am in general. And to that end when I’m on a plane I feel like meeting new people and talking. For my Chicago trip I wasn’t have much luck finding willing row-mates up for conversation.

On my flight to the windy city, I was situated in between a blind guy and a Russian dude whose nose was stuck in a Russian novel for the entire trip. On the 4 hours back to San Francisco I was between two women. One was a teenage girl from China who spoke little English and the other was a woman around my age who was intent on sleeping with her head down the entire time, and when she did talk she was kind of a ho.

So needless to say my pool of conversation buddies was, uhm, non-existent. This all got me thinking. Wouldn’t it be awesome if airlines had special seating for single people? It’d be great! You could totally pick who you wanted to sit next to for any given flight and make sure that you had someone who’d be open to conversation. Or at the very least have the option during the reservation process to say that you’d like to sit next to someone who’s willing to chat with you about this and that.

I hope to have to travel often in the coming year and it would be really cool if I could be guaranteed a seat next to an available hottie. Wouldn’t that be nice?

I have loved and loved the band Anberlin for many years now. Their music is what I would call alternative/indie rock, but to me it’s some of the most romantic and inspirational stuff I’ve ever heard. And not inspirational in some preachy, gospel way. No, it’s inspirational in a way that just makes you happy, optimistic and hopeful, like as if to say yea, one day I’m going to find a guy who will feel that way about me and yes, I can make all of those dreams I have come true. Plus the music is just catchy, and the lead singer Stephen Christian has such a unique and beautiful voice.

He is also super hot, smart and thoughtful. Every so often I catch up on his blog The Modesty Writers Guild and every time I leave it feeling more clear about the path I should take in my life. I love great quotes and he always has some extremely relevant ones posted, like this gem I read today:

“Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education alone will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan “press on” has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.”

-John Calvin Coolidge

Anberlin’s new CD “New Surrender” is going to be released online in September and I can’t wait to get it! I’m soooo excited. Plus they’re on this year’s Warped Tour, it’s coming to the Shoreline Amphitheater in August, so maybe I can go to that. Hmm.

You must check out the Anberlin MySpace page and in the photo at the top, Stephen is the guy in the middle in the white long sleeved shirt looking gorgeous.

And here’s an Anberlin song for extra proof of their awesomeness: