I’ve been listening to the latest John Mayer CD “Battle Studies” a lot lately. Mostly because it’s just amazingly good music and then because some of the songs relate to me now and in this moment. I’m turning 30 this year and while I know I’m still “young” and I’ve accomplished some things, there’s so much more and I feel like time is slipping through my fingers and I don’t want to let that happen.

I remember telling someone once a couple years ago that the idea of just getting rid of the majority of the stuff I own and traveling and writing really appealed to me. I remember they said that if that’s what I wanted to do then I should do it. As if it’s that easy. But now I’m thinking, maybe it is that easy? There’s a clear starting point for this kind of idea, a date that I could set my sights on to get it started and honestly, I’m really, deeply considering it. I don’t feel like I’ve taken that risk, or taken that leap and I want to do that. What am I waiting for? What am I choosing if I don’t do anything and continue to do just what I am right now? I feel like I’d be choosing mediocrity and setting myself up to live by someone else’s rules. I need to push my agenda.

I’m tired of crying frustrated, sad, and “what am I really doing here?” tears. I want to cry happy, wondrous, and “wow, this is soooo much fun!” tears.

It’s a battle and like the song says, I won’t give up.

(lyrics after the jump)

War Of My Life by John Mayer

Come out angels
Come out ghosts
Come out darkness
Bring everyone you know

I won’t give up
I won’t run
I won’t stop for anyone

I love this song, and it helps that I like Michael Bublé in general. It’s kinda crazy how it sums up my life at this exact moment. I’m really at a loss for what to do next. Part of me wants to just do nothing and hope that the right person will just show up, and another part of me thinks that I should be actively doing stuff like online dating and going to bars. It’s like I need to “prove” that I really want to meet someone. People have said you should treat your love life like it’s a part-time job and you have to be “in it to win it.” Ugh. Whatever. Then I think if I’m doing too much then I’m being all desperate. I dunno, but the whole do nothing approach sounds really great to me right about now.

My favorite plan is the one where I’m so busy with NASCAR stuff and writing that I never have time to think about looking for someone and they just find me, and it develops naturally. I really like being busy with something that I love to do. I’m working on getting more of that going on in my life.

These days I can’t seem to find the right words that explain my life status. I get worried about thinking or saying the wrong thing and being “negative.” Ugh, when everything I want is so positive and happy. They’re all good things.

I’m worried about disappointment. It’s annoying to be worried about disappointment, I know this.

I moved to the extremely small town of Cotati to be closer to my day job which is only 11 miles from my new loft apartment. I love my loft apartment, by the way. It’s big and quiet. The move was in May.

No problems there. I just want to get so many other things on the right track.

On August 31st I turned 29 which kinda freaks me out. I just feel like time is moving so fast and I’m not keeping up.

I do have things to be proud of ya know, like the growth of The Fast and the Fabulous and being selected for the NASCAR Citizen Journalist Media Corps without having to submit myself for consideration. That made me very happy. I guess it’s that I get a taste of something great, and being the impatient person I can be sometimes, I just want more and I want it, like, this minute.

I’ve decided that things are going to get better and I’m going to be happy. I’ve decided that I’m going to get the things that I want.

I need to do more with The Fast and the Fabulous and I guess I just don’t know where I should start or where I should put all of my focus and energy.

I think that I need to go to more races because those trips add so much more rich content to my site and I think it makes the most impact. It’s just so much more interesting to be at the races in general anyway. It’s hard to figure out the path you’re supposed to take when no one has done what you’re trying to do before. I’m trying to forge a path where there is none.

What I know for sure, in this exact point in time, is that I can’t continue down this traditional path that I’m on. It’s better than where I was before I was laid off but it’s not going to satisfy me in the long run. There’s a reason why I always hated group work in school. I really don’t want someone else’s agenda to determine my sanity. I just care a lot about the things that I work on and it’s hard for me to not care and I find that most of the time I have to turn that part of me off in order to get through certain things.

I really, really love having complete control over what I put out into the world. I like having control over the things that people are going to judge me on, so that I can be proud to say that I made it, whatever “it” happens to be.

This is all al rambling mess, but I had to just say it. I haven’t written a journal entry, a personal one, in like forever. It’s been harder to say things.

So here’s the great news. I got a job and I started three weeks ago. I am no longer a part of the unemployed masses, which makes me feel normal again. All of the clichés apply. A huge weight has been lifted, and the monkey is off my back. I feel for everyone that is still unemployed these days. It definitely sucks and I don’t wish it on anyone.

The really great thing is that I like my new job. I’m working for Lowepro as their web producer. It’s a different position for me in that I work for a company that creates a product and isn’t all about the web. I finally get to use all of my online knowledge to really help an organization grow and expand its reach. I’m very excited about all of the possibilities that it holds for my future. You should all go out and buy a Lowepro bag for your cameras!

I know that that wasn’t my fault. I really, really do, but I can’t help but feel it sometimes. And sometimes you need to be able to get that out of your head. The song below does that for me, it gets it out so that I can move on to the positive thoughts.

“Tapes” by Alanis Morissette

“I am someone easy to leave”
“Even easier to forget”
a voice, if inaccurate

Again: “I’m the one they all run from”
Diatribes of clouded sun
Someone help me find the pause button

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren’t my own
Wreaking havoc

“I’m too exhausting to be loved”
“a volatile chemical”
“best to quarantine and cut off”

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren’t my own
Wreaking havoc

“I’m but thorn in your sweet side”
“You are better off without me”
“It’d be best to leave at once”

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my heard aren’t my own
Wreaking havoc

I know that people might think that having gastric bypass surgery in order to lose weight is taking the easy way out, but it’s not when you think about the fact that I opted for major surgery that could of ended in death when I didn’t have to.

I didn’t finish college. I’m not looking to become a sports writer for a major publication, going through the ranks from intern to staff writer. Nah, I’d rather do it on my own and create a name for myself. It’s a lot harder this way but it’s how I want it.

I know there’s a part of me that probably gets off on the struggle and the frustration. But maybe that’s because I know it’ll taste that much sweeter when I realize my goals?

At this point I guess it’s about just proving myself to myself and everyone that when I said I was going to have my own business I really meant it. My hairdresser who has been doing my hair since I was like 12 said that for as long as she’s known me I’ve been talking about wanting to have my own thing. That got to me because I still haven’t done it and it’s getting kind of old.

The time is now and I’m sick of talking about how things could be, how I imagine it all. It’s time for it to just be already.

While I won’t miss the job or the work I will miss the money it gave me. That place was just a waiting room for my real passion. I’m not sure what I feel right now or what I’m going to do exactly. This didn’t happen at a good time in my life, is there ever a good time to be let go? I guess not but I was this close to making a transition out of there on my own terms and now I’m fucked.

I know that I’ll be OK in the long run but right now this doesn’t feel good at all. I’m never going to put myself in that kind of position ever again. I couldn’t even look at my now former boss, it makes me sick.

But do you know what the best revenge is? Success, of course. This is my low, boy is it ever, but I’m sorry — I’m only going up from here. I want more for myself, and jesus christ, I interviewed Kyle Petty and Dale Jarrett this month. That has to stand for something, it has to mean something. I’m going places, I know it, even if right now I’m crying my eyes out. I’m not going to let this get me down. There have been too many amazing things that have happened to me this year to let this stupid situation be the thing that holds me back.

On my flight to the windy city, I was situated in between a blind guy and a Russian dude whose nose was stuck in a Russian novel for the entire trip. On the 4 hours back to San Francisco I was between two women. One was a teenage girl from China who spoke little English and the other was a woman around my age who was intent on sleeping with her head down the entire time, and when she did talk she was kind of a ho.

So needless to say my pool of conversation buddies was, uhm, non-existent. This all got me thinking. Wouldn’t it be awesome if airlines had special seating for single people? It’d be great! You could totally pick who you wanted to sit next to for any given flight and make sure that you had someone who’d be open to conversation. Or at the very least have the option during the reservation process to say that you’d like to sit next to someone who’s willing to chat with you about this and that.

I hope to have to travel often in the coming year and it would be really cool if I could be guaranteed a seat next to an available hottie. Wouldn’t that be nice?