When I was waiting to get on plane for my flight back to San Francisco from Chicago last month I decided to pick out all of the guys I wouldn’t mind to have sit next to me. Now that I’m older I’m a lot less shy than I was when I was a teenager. I feel like I’ve grown into myself and know more about who I am in general. And to that end when I’m on a plane I feel like meeting new people and talking. For my Chicago trip I wasn’t have much luck finding willing row-mates up for conversation.

On my flight to the windy city, I was situated in between a blind guy and a Russian dude whose nose was stuck in a Russian novel for the entire trip. On the 4 hours back to San Francisco I was between two women. One was a teenage girl from China who spoke little English and the other was a woman around my age who was intent on sleeping with her head down the entire time, and when she did talk she was kind of a ho.

So needless to say my pool of conversation buddies was, uhm, non-existent. This all got me thinking. Wouldn’t it be awesome if airlines had special seating for single people? It’d be great! You could totally pick who you wanted to sit next to for any given flight and make sure that you had someone who’d be open to conversation. Or at the very least have the option during the reservation process to say that you’d like to sit next to someone who’s willing to chat with you about this and that.

I hope to have to travel often in the coming year and it would be really cool if I could be guaranteed a seat next to an available hottie. Wouldn’t that be nice?

I miss looking at someone and seeing all of the possibilities. I’ve only been in that position once and I wasn’t even in love with them yet. Only once have I had that thought that maybe this person is the one I could build a real life with.

I miss being able to think about those things. As I get older the need to feel those things becomes more urgent. There was a great line in the movie “Then She Found Me.” Helen Hunt’s character says, “I want a baby, I can’t explain it, it’s like being hungry or having to pee.”

And so that’s how it is for me. Having kids isn’t something I can take or leave. It’s something that I have to do. It’s something that I don’t want to wait to do either. I know I’m “only 27” but time can go by so fast and I don’t want 10 years to flip by and be 37 and childless. Obviously I really don’t have all that much control over what happens, only to a certain degree, but I can’t make someone love me, hell, I can’t even make them meet me.

I wonder if I should write and post this kind of stuff here because really anyone can read it. Guys that I could be interested in could read this. And so what if they do? If you can’t handle my honesty then that’s tough for you, plus I’m not going to date just anyone in an attempt to have a kid. I have a plan, and that plan involves falling in love — real love — and getting married and having babies, all in that order.

All of a sudden I have a headache. Probably too much Dr. Pepper.

Over these past couple of days I’ve been thinking about something that happened to me a little while ago. Only recently has this moment turned into something bigger. Nothing monumental has happened. I’m still me, still single and working and dreaming.

But in regards to men things have changed, at least for right now. I realized the other day that at this point in time the most important thing for me is to spend the next year chasing my dream of writing full-time and not chasing guys. The thought of getting dressed up to go out to a bar or wherever doesn’t intrigue me. The thought of putting up another personals ad icks me out. I’m over it. Maybe I’ll change my mind, but I truly think that by experiencing life and doing the things that I really, really want to do, I’ll be in a much better place to meet someone. I think it’ll happen that way, as opposed to just being bored and having nothing else to do.

In these past few days of getting ready to move all my stuff into storage with the plan for next year rolling around in my head it occurred to me just how much this next year means to me. There is nothing else I want more than to finally lead the life I’ve imagined. I know 27 isn’t old but it just feels like I’m overdue for this experience.

My last update here was 9 weeks ago. Wow, thanks LiveJournal for letting me know. So I was watching this new show on HBO called “Tell Me You Love Me.” I love that title. Anyway, it’s about three couples at various stages in their relationships. It just got me to thinking about guys. Let’s say I meet “the” guy and we’re together. For everything that you know about someone, you still don’t know them. Just like he’ll never really and truly, know all of me. It’s just the way it is. The thing that gets me though is how horrible it feels when you find out that the little you do know about someone isn’t actually true. You find out that they don’t really like you the way you thought they did.

That’s not a good feeling at all. In fact I have to say it’s the worst feeling in the world. It’s worse than the pain of cramps from my period or that kidney stone I had. And let me tell you having that kidney stone was the worst physical pain that I have ever felt in my life to date. The thing about the pain of learning someone’s true emotions is that it’s a three-prong assault. It’s physical, mental and emotional. It gets you everywhere, ‘causing you to question everything.

I don’t like questioning myself. Especially when I think that I’ve been very clear about something.

It’s amazing how much you learn and change as you grow up. I’m not the same person that I was when I was 21. I have more confidence and in some ways less tolerance.  I can’t stand crazy drivers or people that can’t read signs, or people that don’t wear deodorant.  I think that it’s at this point in my life that there’s only a finite amount of time that I have on this earth and I really don’t want to waste any more of it.

And we all know what that means. That means that I don’t want to waste it doing something that I don’t love. As a result of growing older, more confident in my skin and becoming less tolerant that means that I’m tired of just dreaming. I’m going to start making things happen, those wild crazy dreams I’m going to make them happen.

I owe it to myself first and foremost. But I also owe it to all of the people that care about me. I owe it to them to do all the things that they think I’m probably crazy for doing.

I love this, I love writing like this. Just being completely honest about everything that I’m feeling and thinking. Next year I am going to be able to do this type of writing and my other type of writing in just one place. I am so excited at the thought of it.

I am constantly trying to simplify the seemingly complicated things in my life. Endlessly I try to break things down into easy to swallow bite-sized chunks, but that doesn’t seem to work.

There are things that I would love to do with my life but they seem so out of reach. I’ve thought about a bunch of things. Everything from blogging full-time to becoming a preschool teacher. But it comes down to not wanting to have to change my lifestyle drastically. I love living on my own, even if my current apartment annoys me. The thought of living with my mom just because freaks me out, there has to be a good reason for it, it has to be a means to an end (and the end has to be close in sight).

I’ve suddenly felt very alone at home. I don’t know what it is… Knowing that my whole thing with Matt is now completely over I think adds to the overall feeling of loneliness that I’ve been sitting in as of late. I know logically that the whole thing is totally pointless and that I should never put anymore thought into it but because it’s the last shred of any kind of relationship that I’ve got to cling to, I cling to it. But no more. With this entry I am getting out every single song lyric that I’ve been singing to for these past few weeks with such conviction you’d think I’d wrote the damn things myself. These are excerpts by the way, not the full songs.

All Good Things by Mandy Moore (Wild Hope CD)

Lost inside of my head
Empty side of the bed
I fill this place without you
I keep pushing the blues
‘Cause I don’t wanna lose
What I loved about you

All good things
I wish you
All good things
Come to an end
All good things
I wish you well

I could think of a million ways
You proved you weren’t the one for me
To live inside of your shades of grey
And never mind the sunshine that I’ll find

Latest Mistake by Mandy Moore (Wild Hope CD)

‘Cause I wanted you the first time
And I loved you from the second
And I don’t know how that ever goes away
As far as I can tell
You’re really good at talking
So I think its time you let me know

I’m just your latest mistake

I wonder what will make you happy
I wonder what you’ll do with it all
I have a map in my head
Somehow still don’t understand
Why I always have to miss you
Why I have to make the call

Someone’s gonna have to step up
Someone’s gonna have to clean this mess up

Before you drive me away
Take a good look at me, baby
Picture me not lying on your couch
Well, I wish the best for you
Everytime you go thru this
Before you finally figure it out

Gravity by Sara Bareilles (Little Voice CD)

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you’re everything I think I need here on
The ground.
But you’re neither friend nor foe though I can’t seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down

Between The Lines by Sara Bareilles (Little Voice CD)

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always between the lines
Between the lines

I thought i thought i was ready to bleed
That we’d move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all
Too late two choices to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He’d already left with the other
So i’ve learned to listen through silence

And now that that’s over I’m posting this as proof of my vow to never call him again. I must stick to this, it’s the best thing for him and for me. If I don’t then I’ll continue in this circle of wanting something that I can’t have and shouldn’t really want in the first place. So yes, that chapter of my life is over and we can all continue on and never make mention of it again.