I love this song, and it helps that I like Michael Bublé in general. It’s kinda crazy how it sums up my life at this exact moment. I’m really at a loss for what to do next. Part of me wants to just do nothing and hope that the right person will just show up, and another part of me thinks that I should be actively doing stuff like online dating and going to bars. It’s like I need to “prove” that I really want to meet someone. People have said you should treat your love life like it’s a part-time job and you have to be “in it to win it.” Ugh. Whatever. Then I think if I’m doing too much then I’m being all desperate. I dunno, but the whole do nothing approach sounds really great to me right about now.

My favorite plan is the one where I’m so busy with NASCAR stuff and writing that I never have time to think about looking for someone and they just find me, and it develops naturally. I really like being busy with something that I love to do. I’m working on getting more of that going on in my life.

I know that that wasn’t my fault. I really, really do, but I can’t help but feel it sometimes. And sometimes you need to be able to get that out of your head. The song below does that for me, it gets it out so that I can move on to the positive thoughts.

“Tapes” by Alanis Morissette

“I am someone easy to leave”
“Even easier to forget”
a voice, if inaccurate

Again: “I’m the one they all run from”
Diatribes of clouded sun
Someone help me find the pause button

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren’t my own
Wreaking havoc

“I’m too exhausting to be loved”
“a volatile chemical”
“best to quarantine and cut off”

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren’t my own
Wreaking havoc

“I’m but thorn in your sweet side”
“You are better off without me”
“It’d be best to leave at once”

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my heard aren’t my own
Wreaking havoc

On my flight to the windy city, I was situated in between a blind guy and a Russian dude whose nose was stuck in a Russian novel for the entire trip. On the 4 hours back to San Francisco I was between two women. One was a teenage girl from China who spoke little English and the other was a woman around my age who was intent on sleeping with her head down the entire time, and when she did talk she was kind of a ho.

So needless to say my pool of conversation buddies was, uhm, non-existent. This all got me thinking. Wouldn’t it be awesome if airlines had special seating for single people? It’d be great! You could totally pick who you wanted to sit next to for any given flight and make sure that you had someone who’d be open to conversation. Or at the very least have the option during the reservation process to say that you’d like to sit next to someone who’s willing to chat with you about this and that.

I hope to have to travel often in the coming year and it would be really cool if I could be guaranteed a seat next to an available hottie. Wouldn’t that be nice?

I miss being able to think about those things. As I get older the need to feel those things becomes more urgent. There was a great line in the movie “Then She Found Me.” Helen Hunt’s character says, “I want a baby, I can’t explain it, it’s like being hungry or having to pee.”

And so that’s how it is for me. Having kids isn’t something I can take or leave. It’s something that I have to do. It’s something that I don’t want to wait to do either. I know I’m “only 27” but time can go by so fast and I don’t want 10 years to flip by and be 37 and childless. Obviously I really don’t have all that much control over what happens, only to a certain degree, but I can’t make someone love me, hell, I can’t even make them meet me.

I wonder if I should write and post this kind of stuff here because really anyone can read it. Guys that I could be interested in could read this. And so what if they do? If you can’t handle my honesty then that’s tough for you, plus I’m not going to date just anyone in an attempt to have a kid. I have a plan, and that plan involves falling in love — real love — and getting married and having babies, all in that order.

Over these past couple of days I’ve been thinking about something that happened to me a little while ago. Only recently has this moment turned into something bigger. Nothing monumental has happened. I’m still me, still single and working and dreaming.

But in regards to men things have changed, at least for right now. I realized the other day that at this point in time the most important thing for me is to spend the next year chasing my dream of writing full-time and not chasing guys. The thought of getting dressed up to go out to a bar or wherever doesn’t intrigue me. The thought of putting up another personals ad icks me out. I’m over it. Maybe I’ll change my mind, but I truly think that by experiencing life and doing the things that I really, really want to do, I’ll be in a much better place to meet someone. I think it’ll happen that way, as opposed to just being bored and having nothing else to do.

In these past few days of getting ready to move all my stuff into storage with the plan for next year rolling around in my head it occurred to me just how much this next year means to me. There is nothing else I want more than to finally lead the life I’ve imagined. I know 27 isn’t old but it just feels like I’m overdue for this experience.

That’s not a good feeling at all. In fact I have to say it’s the worst feeling in the world. It’s worse than the pain of cramps from my period or that kidney stone I had. And let me tell you having that kidney stone was the worst physical pain that I have ever felt in my life to date. The thing about the pain of learning someone’s true emotions is that it’s a three-prong assault. It’s physical, mental and emotional. It gets you everywhere, ‘causing you to question everything.

I don’t like questioning myself. Especially when I think that I’ve been very clear about something.

It’s amazing how much you learn and change as you grow up. I’m not the same person that I was when I was 21. I have more confidence and in some ways less tolerance.  I can’t stand crazy drivers or people that can’t read signs, or people that don’t wear deodorant.  I think that it’s at this point in my life that there’s only a finite amount of time that I have on this earth and I really don’t want to waste any more of it.

And we all know what that means. That means that I don’t want to waste it doing something that I don’t love. As a result of growing older, more confident in my skin and becoming less tolerant that means that I’m tired of just dreaming. I’m going to start making things happen, those wild crazy dreams I’m going to make them happen.

I owe it to myself first and foremost. But I also owe it to all of the people that care about me. I owe it to them to do all the things that they think I’m probably crazy for doing.

I love this, I love writing like this. Just being completely honest about everything that I’m feeling and thinking. Next year I am going to be able to do this type of writing and my other type of writing in just one place. I am so excited at the thought of it.

There are things that I would love to do with my life but they seem so out of reach. I’ve thought about a bunch of things. Everything from blogging full-time to becoming a preschool teacher. But it comes down to not wanting to have to change my lifestyle drastically. I love living on my own, even if my current apartment annoys me. The thought of living with my mom just because freaks me out, there has to be a good reason for it, it has to be a means to an end (and the end has to be close in sight).

I’ve suddenly felt very alone at home. I don’t know what it is… Knowing that my whole thing with Matt is now completely over I think adds to the overall feeling of loneliness that I’ve been sitting in as of late. I know logically that the whole thing is totally pointless and that I should never put anymore thought into it but because it’s the last shred of any kind of relationship that I’ve got to cling to, I cling to it. But no more. With this entry I am getting out every single song lyric that I’ve been singing to for these past few weeks with such conviction you’d think I’d wrote the damn things myself. These are excerpts by the way, not the full songs.

All Good Things by Mandy Moore (Wild Hope CD)

Lost inside of my head
Empty side of the bed
I fill this place without you
I keep pushing the blues
‘Cause I don’t wanna lose
What I loved about you

All good things
I wish you
All good things
Come to an end
All good things
I wish you well

I could think of a million ways
You proved you weren’t the one for me
To live inside of your shades of grey
And never mind the sunshine that I’ll find

Latest Mistake by Mandy Moore (Wild Hope CD)

‘Cause I wanted you the first time
And I loved you from the second
And I don’t know how that ever goes away
As far as I can tell
You’re really good at talking
So I think its time you let me know

I’m just your latest mistake

I wonder what will make you happy
I wonder what you’ll do with it all
I have a map in my head
Somehow still don’t understand
Why I always have to miss you
Why I have to make the call

Someone’s gonna have to step up
Someone’s gonna have to clean this mess up

Before you drive me away
Take a good look at me, baby
Picture me not lying on your couch
Well, I wish the best for you
Everytime you go thru this
Before you finally figure it out

Gravity by Sara Bareilles (Little Voice CD)

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you’re everything I think I need here on
The ground.
But you’re neither friend nor foe though I can’t seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down

Between The Lines by Sara Bareilles (Little Voice CD)

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always between the lines
Between the lines

I thought i thought i was ready to bleed
That we’d move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all
Too late two choices to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He’d already left with the other
So i’ve learned to listen through silence

And now that that’s over I’m posting this as proof of my vow to never call him again. I must stick to this, it’s the best thing for him and for me. If I don’t then I’ll continue in this circle of wanting something that I can’t have and shouldn’t really want in the first place. So yes, that chapter of my life is over and we can all continue on and never make mention of it again.

There are a bunch of good songs with just totally right on lyrics. For example the song “Nothing That You Are,” it has lyrics, great melody and I am in love with the drums. Another song called “Latest Mistake” is yet another song that resonates with me for a reason that I won’t go into here. Other goodies are: All Good Things, Wild Hope and Gardenia.

Here’s my latest thing about guys. All I want is one guy for the rest of my life that will love me as much as I love him. It’s that simple. I was watching Kathy Griffin’s Bravo reality show “My Life on the D-List” and it covered her father’s death. He was 90! I think it’s awesome he lived that long. Anyway, he and his wife were together for over 30 years. That’s so great, and when Kathy asked him what the secret was to their marriage, he said that you just had to find someone who thought was just neatest thing and they had to feel the same way about you. I’m totally paraphrasing but it came out to be something like that.

I feel like I’m holding myself back from being myself. I’ve noticed this since being in this new job. The first week I was ok ’cause I was thinking this place could be just like things were at ANG, I just have to get through meeting everyone and learning the ropes. Well it hasn’t been quite that easy. The difference with ANG was that the web department was a handful of people. It was us against everybody else. Now I’m a little girl fish in a big pond of male fishies that have their own cliques. And then you factor in the fact that everything that I can do is on hold or out of my hands, and you’ve got a recipe for restlessness.

I love the money that I make, but unfortunately that’s not enough. I just wish I could be doing something that I felt content with on all fronts.

And having the fact that I don’t have a degree thrown in my face all the time is not helping to make me feel more comfortable. It’s making me long for a way out of all this. Well he did give me an out, kinda. Long story.

I don’t know what to do with myself. I was checking out a NASCAR-related article online today and my boss comes up behind me and just stares at the screen. I’m like “what’s up?” and he’s all, “oh nothing, just checking out what’s going on” something to that effect. I just want to scream! Like get away! Go find something for me to do.. jeez.

I’m frustrated and he knows it. This is all very ugly. Wow. I didn’t mean to use that word but it fits.

I want to be free, free to do whatever the fuck I want to do whenever the fuck I want to do it. And what that means is that I want to be able to wake up in the morning and get up whenever I want. I want to make my own schedule, day-to-day. I want to decide what I do next and how I do it. I was meant to be independent. Maybe I should be a blogger that’s affliated with a large company, not owned by them.

I recently read Carly Fiorina’s book “Tough Choices: A Memoir.” I highly reccommend it! It’s such a great book. It just shows you all of the retardation that exists in business. It doesn’t matter what company you work for or even if you love what you do. It’s still there, although if you love what you do then it’s easier to deal with the dillweeds.

Anywhoo.. I’m so glad that I get to not think about all of this for the next three days because I will be in La La Land for my youngest nephews birthday.

And one more thing… I needed to read this today, it’s from Stephen Christian’s blog (lead singer of Anberlin):

Minnesota, looking forward to a train station. had a great talk tonight with my friend aaron. the peace that that man has obtained is incredible. how honest. love emanates from his being, i think he is the closest to meeting the persona of mohat Gandhi that i will ever come. why do we work so hard to gain the attention of the opposite sex. ruth! listen to me, if you really want to attract those of the opposite sex know yourself, know what makes you operate, be passionate about something. passion is contagious, embrace life, stop looking for mr. right and become mrs. right. the time, the place, …fate itself comes together on its own accord and does not hurry any faster because of a nice outfit, a flirtatious smile, or cosmetics. be who you are and in that attraction lies. why work so hard to become what other desire, because that only leaves you desperate, wanting, and lacking of any true happiness. stop looking to others to measure your own standards or beauty, realize that you are beautiful just the way you are, and honestly how important are looks over years. eyes will dull, builds will collapse, what you think makes you better inevitably decomposes. its the matter of the heart, and the peace that passes all understanding that will hold you late at night and be the attraction for those who themselves are not looking into a magazine or a video music station to match beauty or intellect. realize that all that the media portrays is pseudo. it is not real, life is more than crest white strips and prada shoes. life is more than a degree from harvard, life is more than achievements and shiny trophy’s upon the mantle. life is not a fleeting attempt to pat yourself on the back, or see how many others you can manipulate to pat you on the back. there is more to life than what your two eyes can see, or your two hands can touch.

I still think about him. I know, I know, it’s horrible. Frankly I think it’s horrible, but it’s not as if it’s specifically about him, him, but about what could have been, had it progressed. Everything seems to remind of what was. It’s not like he was some evil guy and from now on every guy that I’m with I won’t be comparing to him as a person, but to what I felt like when I was with him.

The thing that still hurts the most is that I want that feeling back again. I want to be with someone and feel incredibly proud to be with them. No doubts, no well if he didn’t do this one thing he’d be great, none of that, I just want to like someone soo much and have them feel the same way about me.

This is a new year and I will have so many new opportunities to meet someone amazing. I’m excited and I’m, as usual, hopeful.