I am constantly trying to simplify the seemingly complicated things in my life. Endlessly I try to break things down into easy to swallow bite-sized chunks, but that doesn’t seem to work.

There are things that I would love to do with my life but they seem so out of reach. I’ve thought about a bunch of things. Everything from blogging full-time to becoming a preschool teacher. But it comes down to not wanting to have to change my lifestyle drastically. I love living on my own, even if my current apartment annoys me. The thought of living with my mom just because freaks me out, there has to be a good reason for it, it has to be a means to an end (and the end has to be close in sight).

I’ve suddenly felt very alone at home. I don’t know what it is… Knowing that my whole thing with Matt is now completely over I think adds to the overall feeling of loneliness that I’ve been sitting in as of late. I know logically that the whole thing is totally pointless and that I should never put anymore thought into it but because it’s the last shred of any kind of relationship that I’ve got to cling to, I cling to it. But no more. With this entry I am getting out every single song lyric that I’ve been singing to for these past few weeks with such conviction you’d think I’d wrote the damn things myself. These are excerpts by the way, not the full songs.

All Good Things by Mandy Moore (Wild Hope CD)

Lost inside of my head
Empty side of the bed
I fill this place without you
I keep pushing the blues
‘Cause I don’t wanna lose
What I loved about you

All good things
I wish you
All good things
Come to an end
All good things
I wish you well

I could think of a million ways
You proved you weren’t the one for me
To live inside of your shades of grey
And never mind the sunshine that I’ll find

Latest Mistake by Mandy Moore (Wild Hope CD)

‘Cause I wanted you the first time
And I loved you from the second
And I don’t know how that ever goes away
As far as I can tell
You’re really good at talking
So I think its time you let me know

I’m just your latest mistake

I wonder what will make you happy
I wonder what you’ll do with it all
I have a map in my head
Somehow still don’t understand
Why I always have to miss you
Why I have to make the call

Someone’s gonna have to step up
Someone’s gonna have to clean this mess up

Before you drive me away
Take a good look at me, baby
Picture me not lying on your couch
Well, I wish the best for you
Everytime you go thru this
Before you finally figure it out

Gravity by Sara Bareilles (Little Voice CD)

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you’re everything I think I need here on
The ground.
But you’re neither friend nor foe though I can’t seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down

Between The Lines by Sara Bareilles (Little Voice CD)

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always between the lines
Between the lines

I thought i thought i was ready to bleed
That we’d move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all
Too late two choices to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He’d already left with the other
So i’ve learned to listen through silence

And now that that’s over I’m posting this as proof of my vow to never call him again. I must stick to this, it’s the best thing for him and for me. If I don’t then I’ll continue in this circle of wanting something that I can’t have and shouldn’t really want in the first place. So yes, that chapter of my life is over and we can all continue on and never make mention of it again.

So I got the new Mandy Moore CD this week, Tuesday the day it came out to be exact, and I loooooove it. Looove it! She sounds kinda pissed and jilted on this CD and I’m eatin’ it up like that skinny asian guy in those food eating competitions.

There are a bunch of good songs with just totally right on lyrics. For example the song “Nothing That You Are,” it has lyrics, great melody and I am in love with the drums. Another song called “Latest Mistake” is yet another song that resonates with me for a reason that I won’t go into here. Other goodies are: All Good Things, Wild Hope and Gardenia.

Here’s my latest thing about guys. All I want is one guy for the rest of my life that will love me as much as I love him. It’s that simple. I was watching Kathy Griffin’s Bravo reality show “My Life on the D-List” and it covered her father’s death. He was 90! I think it’s awesome he lived that long. Anyway, he and his wife were together for over 30 years. That’s so great, and when Kathy asked him what the secret was to their marriage, he said that you just had to find someone who thought was just neatest thing and they had to feel the same way about you. I’m totally paraphrasing but it came out to be something like that.

I feel like I’m holding myself back from being myself. I’ve noticed this since being in this new job. The first week I was ok ’cause I was thinking this place could be just like things were at ANG, I just have to get through meeting everyone and learning the ropes. Well it hasn’t been quite that easy. The difference with ANG was that the web department was a handful of people. It was us against everybody else. Now I’m a little girl fish in a big pond of male fishies that have their own cliques. And then you factor in the fact that everything that I can do is on hold or out of my hands, and you’ve got a recipe for restlessness.

I love the money that I make, but unfortunately that’s not enough. I just wish I could be doing something that I felt content with on all fronts.

And having the fact that I don’t have a degree thrown in my face all the time is not helping to make me feel more comfortable. It’s making me long for a way out of all this. Well he did give me an out, kinda. Long story.

I don’t know what to do with myself. I was checking out a NASCAR-related article online today and my boss comes up behind me and just stares at the screen. I’m like “what’s up?” and he’s all, “oh nothing, just checking out what’s going on” something to that effect. I just want to scream! Like get away! Go find something for me to do.. jeez.

I’m frustrated and he knows it. This is all very ugly. Wow. I didn’t mean to use that word but it fits.

I want to be free, free to do whatever the fuck I want to do whenever the fuck I want to do it. And what that means is that I want to be able to wake up in the morning and get up whenever I want. I want to make my own schedule, day-to-day. I want to decide what I do next and how I do it. I was meant to be independent. Maybe I should be a blogger that’s affliated with a large company, not owned by them.

I recently read Carly Fiorina’s book “Tough Choices: A Memoir.” I highly reccommend it! It’s such a great book. It just shows you all of the retardation that exists in business. It doesn’t matter what company you work for or even if you love what you do. It’s still there, although if you love what you do then it’s easier to deal with the dillweeds.

Anywhoo.. I’m so glad that I get to not think about all of this for the next three days because I will be in La La Land for my youngest nephews birthday.

’nuff said.

And one more thing… I needed to read this today, it’s from Stephen Christian’s blog (lead singer of Anberlin):

Minnesota, looking forward to a train station. had a great talk tonight with my friend aaron. the peace that that man has obtained is incredible. how honest. love emanates from his being, i think he is the closest to meeting the persona of mohat Gandhi that i will ever come. why do we work so hard to gain the attention of the opposite sex. ruth! listen to me, if you really want to attract those of the opposite sex know yourself, know what makes you operate, be passionate about something. passion is contagious, embrace life, stop looking for mr. right and become mrs. right. the time, the place, …fate itself comes together on its own accord and does not hurry any faster because of a nice outfit, a flirtatious smile, or cosmetics. be who you are and in that attraction lies. why work so hard to become what other desire, because that only leaves you desperate, wanting, and lacking of any true happiness. stop looking to others to measure your own standards or beauty, realize that you are beautiful just the way you are, and honestly how important are looks over years. eyes will dull, builds will collapse, what you think makes you better inevitably decomposes. its the matter of the heart, and the peace that passes all understanding that will hold you late at night and be the attraction for those who themselves are not looking into a magazine or a video music station to match beauty or intellect. realize that all that the media portrays is pseudo. it is not real, life is more than crest white strips and prada shoes. life is more than a degree from harvard, life is more than achievements and shiny trophy’s upon the mantle. life is not a fleeting attempt to pat yourself on the back, or see how many others you can manipulate to pat you on the back. there is more to life than what your two eyes can see, or your two hands can touch.

I’m going to admit something very bad.

I still think about him. I know, I know, it’s horrible. Frankly I think it’s horrible, but it’s not as if it’s specifically about him, him, but about what could have been, had it progressed. Everything seems to remind of what was. It’s not like he was some evil guy and from now on every guy that I’m with I won’t be comparing to him as a person, but to what I felt like when I was with him.

The thing that still hurts the most is that I want that feeling back again. I want to be with someone and feel incredibly proud to be with them. No doubts, no well if he didn’t do this one thing he’d be great, none of that, I just want to like someone soo much and have them feel the same way about me.

This is a new year and I will have so many new opportunities to meet someone amazing. I’m excited and I’m, as usual, hopeful.

Last night I went to Blake’s in Berkeley to see Matt’s band perform. They put on a really good show. They have a good band and a lot of real potential.

I did really well seeing Matt again. I didn’t clam up and not talk. I was easy-going and happy and nice. He dyed his hair black and was wearing black eyeliner. All of the guys in the band were wearing eyeliner, except for the drummer. He looked cute, but different. I walked past him like 4 times and totally didn’t recognize him.

Everything was ok until the end. Although I shouldn’t make it sound like it was horrible when he walked me to my car and we talked. It’s not like he said anything new, things are still the same. He’s still trying to figure out if he wants to get back with his ex or not. He says that I shouldn’t assume things. I shouldn’t assume that he’ll get back with her. But I feel like I basically have to think that he will in order to move on with my life in basic terms. I am by no means cutting myself off from the possibilty of other guys if they come along, ’cause believe me if some hot dude came up to me and wanted to go out I’d be all over that. At the same time though I have the little window of hope open that he’ll get over her and come back to me. That I can’t deny. I want him to make a decision asap, and I know his ex does too, so hopefully he’ll figure it out soon. They’re going back to Arcata today, and they’ll be home for a lil over a week before they come back down for another show in Foster City. I already know that if he gets back with her before that show, I’m defintely not going. I don’t know if I’d go if he hadn’t made a decision by then. It’s like what’s the point. I mean yea I like the band, but to go there and see him and not be able to touch him or be affectionate would just suck.

I’m just trying to get through these days. Work is annoying. I try to do as little as possible, but still do actual work. These aren’t hard things to do, but the longer I’m here the more they’ll give me and the more they’ll expect. And I don’t want that. I want to leave. I want to find a new job, one that fits for right now. I know I’ll find it and I know that it’ll be sooner rather than later. So lets lay it out, what job do I want.

- A full-time, salaried, benefited position
- Routine, daily work
- Interaction with people that doesn’t require me to sell or convince them on/of anything
- Is in a location that is close to Starbucks, a variety of eateries and/or my home.
- A small to large office filled with at least a small group of people within or near my age group
- A company that makes something or provides a service that I can understand and actually care about.
- I need my own cubicle or space that isn’t shared with my supervisor. A place where I can play my music at a reasonable sound level.

Hmm, that’s all I’ve got right now. I can’t believe I’m functioning on only 4 hours of sleep.