I know it’s not true. I know that I am worthy and capable of love, and that one day I’ll be in a relationship that reflects that. It’s just that it’s easy to remember the past, and it’s not even just about the romantic relationships I’ve had. I think of my biological father who basically abandoned me.

I know that that wasn’t my fault. I really, really do, but I can’t help but feel it sometimes. And sometimes you need to be able to get that out of your head. The song below does that for me, it gets it out so that I can move on to the positive thoughts.

“Tapes” by Alanis Morissette

“I am someone easy to leave”
“Even easier to forget”
a voice, if inaccurate

Again: “I’m the one they all run from”
Diatribes of clouded sun
Someone help me find the pause button

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren’t my own
Wreaking havoc

“I’m too exhausting to be loved”
“a volatile chemical”
“best to quarantine and cut off”

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren’t my own
Wreaking havoc

“I’m but thorn in your sweet side”
“You are better off without me”
“It’d be best to leave at once”

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my heard aren’t my own
Wreaking havoc

Kings of Leon might just be the greatest band ever and everyone, okay, not everyone but a ton of people are seriously missing out.

They’re coming out with a new CD soon, on September 23rd to be exact, called “Only By The Night.” Their current single “Sex On Fire” is brilliant. It’s so freaking good. I can’t emphasize that enough. I hope to go to their concert when they’re here in October.

I have loved and loved the band Anberlin for many years now. Their music is what I would call alternative/indie rock, but to me it’s some of the most romantic and inspirational stuff I’ve ever heard. And not inspirational in some preachy, gospel way. No, it’s inspirational in a way that just makes you happy, optimistic and hopeful, like as if to say yea, one day I’m going to find a guy who will feel that way about me and yes, I can make all of those dreams I have come true. Plus the music is just catchy, and the lead singer Stephen Christian has such a unique and beautiful voice.

He is also super hot, smart and thoughtful. Every so often I catch up on his blog The Modesty Writers Guild and every time I leave it feeling more clear about the path I should take in my life. I love great quotes and he always has some extremely relevant ones posted, like this gem I read today:

“Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education alone will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan “press on” has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.”

-John Calvin Coolidge

Anberlin’s new CD “New Surrender” is going to be released online in September and I can’t wait to get it! I’m soooo excited. Plus they’re on this year’s Warped Tour, it’s coming to the Shoreline Amphitheater in August, so maybe I can go to that. Hmm.

You must check out the Anberlin MySpace page and in the photo at the top, Stephen is the guy in the middle in the white long sleeved shirt looking gorgeous.

And here’s an Anberlin song for extra proof of their awesomeness:

You have to, just have to, buy Shelby Lynne’s latest CD “Just a Little Lovin’” It’s a bunch of Dusty Springfield covers and it is pure awesomeness. I love her voice in general, I have all of her CDs to prove this, but it really shines on this disc. As those doinks on American Idol would say “She’s got great control” of her voice. I especially love her rendition of “Anyone Who Had a Heart,” it’s perfect and if you’ve ever been hurt by someone you liked you’ll melt when you hear it just like I did. All of the songs seem really stripped down, it’s just basic good, strong singing.

It’s really sad that Shelby doesn’t get as much attention as her talent deserves, but then again maybe that’s a good thing. She can be spared from all the insane celebrity coverage that’s been going on these days.

On Saturday I’m volunteering at our local Spelling Bee. I signed up not knowing how much work I was actually going to have to do. It’s not hard work mind you, but there’s a lot of stuff you have to be aware of, some serious rules. The thing I’m not looking forward to is eliminating the kids from the competition. I guess I’ll see how it all plays out, it should be interesting. The last National Spelling Bee winner was from this area, so who knows maybe we can go for two in a row.

There are some things going down at work that I do not like. I can’t go into detail because it’ll just serve to irritate me further. I will say this though; I continue to be amazed at all the wackadoodle crap that goes on around that place. It’s just crazy.

While the work stuff bothers me it does serve a purpose as a great motivator to take my blog to another level. I’m not totally clear on how I’m going to get to that next level but I know it’ll happen. Now that I’ve written that out I really need to think about that more. Just what exactly is it that I want to do next, like what’s the next step? Hmm… food for thought.

While I don’t have a perfectly clear idea of the big picture, I do know that I made up a list of the races I want to go to for the rest of the year. The next one would be the race at Charlotte in May. I’m going to get a t-shirt and hoodie made from Neighborhoodies that’ll say “The Fast And The Fabulous Dot Com.” They’re gonna be soooo cool.

If I’m addicted to anything it would have to be coffee and new music. I just heard the new song from Dave Barnes called “Until You” and it’s so good that I wish I could live inside of it. I’ve said that about other songs many times before and I guess what it really means is that the song makes me feel good and I never want it to stop. There are some voices that just make me melt. Like John Mayer’s on his song “Slow Dancing In A Burning Room.”

Needless to say I am looking forward to Dave’s new CD which comes out on April 1st.

Even though I’m back living with my mom, I feel like I’m on the right path, finally! Oh and for the record, my mom is absolutely wonderful. I owe her everything. I am lucky to have her. So it’s not about having to live with her, it’s just about the fact that I don’t have my own place.

Everything feels right for right now. My racing blog is growing and I’m going to two, not one, but two NASCAR races in the coming weeks.

I keep thinking about this idea — or it might have been a dream, I’m not sure — I had when I was younger. I saw myself living in my dream home (a big house with a wrap-around porch) that was situated out in the country, far from other neighbors, but still close to city stuff. I was married with children and I worked from home the majority of the time as a writer. At that point in time I didn’t know what I would be writing.

There have been times when I strayed from this idea, well yea many times. My problem has been that I’m passionate about a lot of different things. I’m very curious and when something intrigues me I’ll come up with an idea for it, like that whole Superficial Clothing Company thing and then of course The Playground. But I’ve always loved to write. Through writing I could make my own world. I remember writing those silly & naive love stories when I was in junior high. I loved reading them and imagining it all coming to life. It’s funny, my formula has stayed the same, I always meet the guy in some random situation, and he’s never someone I already knew through family or friends. It was always some chance meeting in a music or book store, or outside my house. ha.

I always wrote for myself and not necessarily for other people. I kinda stepped out of my box in high school when I was the co-editor of the newspaper. My idea to go around to the other local high schools to interview the kids there about what their campus was really like was freaking brilliant, if I do say so myself. I got to get out of school and check out the hot dudes at other schools.

Anyway, with The Fast and the Fabulous and now this magazine deal I really feel like my fantasy of working from my dream home is totally possible.

I think there’s a big misconception of me out there amongst the people that know me personally. Because I grew up being the bookish, shy person nobody thinks that I want the spotlight. But I do! I mean, I love public speaking. I welcome it. And the idea of having my own show thrills me to no end. Don’t get me wrong, the idea of interviewing people freaks me out, but in a good way. I know I can do it, that’s not the issue. I just want to do it right and do it well. So the question isn’t about if I can, it’s really about can I kick ass and take names when I do.