I’ve been listening to the latest John Mayer CD “Battle Studies” a lot lately. Mostly because it’s just amazingly good music and then because some of the songs relate to me now and in this moment. I’m turning 30 this year and while I know I’m still “young” and I’ve accomplished some things, there’s so much more and I feel like time is slipping through my fingers and I don’t want to let that happen.

I remember telling someone once a couple years ago that the idea of just getting rid of the majority of the stuff I own and traveling and writing really appealed to me. I remember they said that if that’s what I wanted to do then I should do it. As if it’s that easy. But now I’m thinking, maybe it is that easy? There’s a clear starting point for this kind of idea, a date that I could set my sights on to get it started and honestly, I’m really, deeply considering it. I don’t feel like I’ve taken that risk, or taken that leap and I want to do that. What am I waiting for? What am I choosing if I don’t do anything and continue to do just what I am right now? I feel like I’d be choosing mediocrity and setting myself up to live by someone else’s rules. I need to push my agenda.

I’m tired of crying frustrated, sad, and “what am I really doing here?” tears. I want to cry happy, wondrous, and “wow, this is soooo much fun!” tears.

It’s a battle and like the song says, I won’t give up.

(lyrics after the jump)

War Of My Life by John Mayer

Come out angels
Come out ghosts
Come out darkness
Bring everyone you know

I won’t give up
I won’t run
I won’t stop for anyone

I love this song, and it helps that I like Michael Bublé in general. It’s kinda crazy how it sums up my life at this exact moment. I’m really at a loss for what to do next. Part of me wants to just do nothing and hope that the right person will just show up, and another part of me thinks that I should be actively doing stuff like online dating and going to bars. It’s like I need to “prove” that I really want to meet someone. People have said you should treat your love life like it’s a part-time job and you have to be “in it to win it.” Ugh. Whatever. Then I think if I’m doing too much then I’m being all desperate. I dunno, but the whole do nothing approach sounds really great to me right about now.

My favorite plan is the one where I’m so busy with NASCAR stuff and writing that I never have time to think about looking for someone and they just find me, and it develops naturally. I really like being busy with something that I love to do. I’m working on getting more of that going on in my life.

Lyrics to “Happiness” by The Fray

Happiness is just outside my window
Would it crash blowing 80-miles an hour?
Or is happiness a little more like knocking
On your door, and you just let it in?

Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can’t make it come or go
But you are gone – not for good but for now
Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good

Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
‘Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks

Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that’s enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar

Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you’ll never find it all
But let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she’ll be home
Home, home, home

I know that that wasn’t my fault. I really, really do, but I can’t help but feel it sometimes. And sometimes you need to be able to get that out of your head. The song below does that for me, it gets it out so that I can move on to the positive thoughts.

“Tapes” by Alanis Morissette

“I am someone easy to leave”
“Even easier to forget”
a voice, if inaccurate

Again: “I’m the one they all run from”
Diatribes of clouded sun
Someone help me find the pause button

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren’t my own
Wreaking havoc

“I’m too exhausting to be loved”
“a volatile chemical”
“best to quarantine and cut off”

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren’t my own
Wreaking havoc

“I’m but thorn in your sweet side”
“You are better off without me”
“It’d be best to leave at once”

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my heard aren’t my own
Wreaking havoc

They’re coming out with a new CD soon, on September 23rd to be exact, called “Only By The Night.” Their current single “Sex On Fire” is brilliant. It’s so freaking good. I can’t emphasize that enough. I hope to go to their concert when they’re here in October.

He is also super hot, smart and thoughtful. Every so often I catch up on his blog The Modesty Writers Guild and every time I leave it feeling more clear about the path I should take in my life. I love great quotes and he always has some extremely relevant ones posted, like this gem I read today:

“Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education alone will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan “press on” has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.”

-John Calvin Coolidge

Anberlin’s new CD “New Surrender” is going to be released online in September and I can’t wait to get it! I’m soooo excited. Plus they’re on this year’s Warped Tour, it’s coming to the Shoreline Amphitheater in August, so maybe I can go to that. Hmm.

You must check out the Anberlin MySpace page and in the photo at the top, Stephen is the guy in the middle in the white long sleeved shirt looking gorgeous.

And here’s an Anberlin song for extra proof of their awesomeness:

It’s really sad that Shelby doesn’t get as much attention as her talent deserves, but then again maybe that’s a good thing. She can be spared from all the insane celebrity coverage that’s been going on these days.

On Saturday I’m volunteering at our local Spelling Bee. I signed up not knowing how much work I was actually going to have to do. It’s not hard work mind you, but there’s a lot of stuff you have to be aware of, some serious rules. The thing I’m not looking forward to is eliminating the kids from the competition. I guess I’ll see how it all plays out, it should be interesting. The last National Spelling Bee winner was from this area, so who knows maybe we can go for two in a row.

There are some things going down at work that I do not like. I can’t go into detail because it’ll just serve to irritate me further. I will say this though; I continue to be amazed at all the wackadoodle crap that goes on around that place. It’s just crazy.

While the work stuff bothers me it does serve a purpose as a great motivator to take my blog to another level. I’m not totally clear on how I’m going to get to that next level but I know it’ll happen. Now that I’ve written that out I really need to think about that more. Just what exactly is it that I want to do next, like what’s the next step? Hmm… food for thought.

While I don’t have a perfectly clear idea of the big picture, I do know that I made up a list of the races I want to go to for the rest of the year. The next one would be the race at Charlotte in May. I’m going to get a t-shirt and hoodie made from Neighborhoodies that’ll say “The Fast And The Fabulous Dot Com.” They’re gonna be soooo cool.

Needless to say I am looking forward to Dave’s new CD which comes out on April 1st.

Even though I’m back living with my mom, I feel like I’m on the right path, finally! Oh and for the record, my mom is absolutely wonderful. I owe her everything. I am lucky to have her. So it’s not about having to live with her, it’s just about the fact that I don’t have my own place.

Everything feels right for right now. My racing blog is growing and I’m going to two, not one, but two NASCAR races in the coming weeks.

I keep thinking about this idea — or it might have been a dream, I’m not sure — I had when I was younger. I saw myself living in my dream home (a big house with a wrap-around porch) that was situated out in the country, far from other neighbors, but still close to city stuff. I was married with children and I worked from home the majority of the time as a writer. At that point in time I didn’t know what I would be writing.

There have been times when I strayed from this idea, well yea many times. My problem has been that I’m passionate about a lot of different things. I’m very curious and when something intrigues me I’ll come up with an idea for it, like that whole Superficial Clothing Company thing and then of course The Playground. But I’ve always loved to write. Through writing I could make my own world. I remember writing those silly & naive love stories when I was in junior high. I loved reading them and imagining it all coming to life. It’s funny, my formula has stayed the same, I always meet the guy in some random situation, and he’s never someone I already knew through family or friends. It was always some chance meeting in a music or book store, or outside my house. ha.

I always wrote for myself and not necessarily for other people. I kinda stepped out of my box in high school when I was the co-editor of the newspaper. My idea to go around to the other local high schools to interview the kids there about what their campus was really like was freaking brilliant, if I do say so myself. I got to get out of school and check out the hot dudes at other schools.

Anyway, with The Fast and the Fabulous and now this magazine deal I really feel like my fantasy of working from my dream home is totally possible.

I think there’s a big misconception of me out there amongst the people that know me personally. Because I grew up being the bookish, shy person nobody thinks that I want the spotlight. But I do! I mean, I love public speaking. I welcome it. And the idea of having my own show thrills me to no end. Don’t get me wrong, the idea of interviewing people freaks me out, but in a good way. I know I can do it, that’s not the issue. I just want to do it right and do it well. So the question isn’t about if I can, it’s really about can I kick ass and take names when I do.

1.) “First Day of My Life” by Bright Eyes (I’m Wide Awake It’s Morning)
If you read my older post about the video for this song you already knew I love this song. It’s quirky, sweet and realistic. It doesn’t make huge, grand promises. Favorite lines:”So if you wanna be with me, with these things there is no telling, we just have to wait and see, but I’d rather be working for a paycheck, than waiting to win the lottery” — “Besides maybe this time is different, I really think you like me”

2.) “To You I Bestow” by Mundy (Romeo + Juliet Soundtrack)
From the “Romeo + Juliet” movie soundtrack, this song wrecks me every time I hear it. Who wouldn’t love a guy who wants to buy me a crown? Favorite line: “and my love for you is better than diamonds, to you everything I bestow”

3.) “Close My Eyes” by Jordan Knight (Jordan Knight)
I love this song as a whole; there isn’t one particular line that totally gets me. It’s just a great song, sung well.

4.) “If You Could Only See” by Tonic (Lemon Parade)
The passion in Emerson Hart’s voice when he sings this song is particularly on point. As a music lover I need to hear you mean it, and I love the way he sings this song. It’s beautiful. The thing I love so much about this song, the thing that I find particularly romantic is that I’m imagining this guy just pouring his heart out about this person that he loves so much. It makes me want to say “I believe you, I believe you!” I want someone that’ll say “if you could only see how blue brown her eyes can be when she says/when she says she loves me” hehe

Oh and it’s not uncommon for me to repeat the line “you gotta take a little dirt to keep what you love/it’s what ya gotta do” in my head whenever times get tough.

5.) “Anna Begins” by Counting Crows (August & Everything After)
These guys are by far one of the few bands that are near and dear to my heart. I was in high school when I bought this CD and well it helped me through some of those clichéd moments in adolescence. Anyway, I think I like this song so much because of the conflict, the back and forth in the lyrics. It’s just sweet.

6.) “Lover Lay Down” by Dave Matthews Band (Under The Table And Dreaming)
I remember keeping this song on repeat and listening to it at night when I went to bed. I think I was like 14, 15 at the time. You cannot deny that this song is so freaking romantic. Are there guys that can be this gentle and sweet in real life?? Favorite line: “Kiss me oh won’t you kiss me now/And sleep I would inside your mouth”

7.) “Look After You” by The Fray (How To Save A Life)
Another guy with a pure and unique voice is the lead singer of The Fray, Isaac Slade. I could listen to him sing forever and never get tired of it. Hearing him croon the words “oh, oh oh, be my baby, i’ll look after you” is like medicine for my heart. Okay that was a little dramatic but it’s true in the sense that it just makes you feel good. I want that. Favorite line: “Will you want to be the one I’ll always know?”

8.) “Save Me” by Hanson (This Time Around)
Ok, before you start giving me crap for liking Hanson you should really listen to this song (and the whole CD). There is a ton of passion in Taylor Hanson’s voice and for a long time listening to this song wrecked me. I had a serious physical reaction to it. It’s soo good.

9.) “Everything” by Lifehouse (No Name Face)
I think it was Jamie who said that they could or probably were singing about God in this song but I chose to believe he was singing about his true love, a woman. I just love the line “How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you,” but there are soo many others in this song. This is a must listen, I mean it’s so good that I think it should be played at weddings.

10.) “Sandalwood” by Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories (Tails)
If I could sing and play the guitar I would cover this song in a heartbeat. I love it because it’s so simple, soft and to the point. Favorite line: “She can’t tell me that all of the love songs have been written, ’cause she’s never been in love with you before”

Check out the video for first single “Underneath.” They took the friggin’ video down, oh welly. Who cares about videos anyway, I can’t wait for the CD!!!