I’ve been listening to the latest John Mayer CD “Battle Studies” a lot lately. Mostly because it’s just amazingly good music and then because some of the songs relate to me now and in this moment. I’m turning 30 this year and while I know I’m still “young” and I’ve accomplished some things, there’s so much more and I feel like time is slipping through my fingers and I don’t want to let that happen.

I remember telling someone once a couple years ago that the idea of just getting rid of the majority of the stuff I own and traveling and writing really appealed to me. I remember they said that if that’s what I wanted to do then I should do it. As if it’s that easy. But now I’m thinking, maybe it is that easy? There’s a clear starting point for this kind of idea, a date that I could set my sights on to get it started and honestly, I’m really, deeply considering it. I don’t feel like I’ve taken that risk, or taken that leap and I want to do that. What am I waiting for? What am I choosing if I don’t do anything and continue to do just what I am right now? I feel like I’d be choosing mediocrity and setting myself up to live by someone else’s rules. I need to push my agenda.

I’m tired of crying frustrated, sad, and “what am I really doing here?” tears. I want to cry happy, wondrous, and “wow, this is soooo much fun!” tears.

It’s a battle and like the song says, I won’t give up.

(lyrics after the jump)

War Of My Life by John Mayer

Come out angels
Come out ghosts
Come out darkness
Bring everyone you know

I won’t give up
I won’t run
I won’t stop for anyone

I need to do more with The Fast and the Fabulous and I guess I just don’t know where I should start or where I should put all of my focus and energy.

I think that I need to go to more races because those trips add so much more rich content to my site and I think it makes the most impact. It’s just so much more interesting to be at the races in general anyway. It’s hard to figure out the path you’re supposed to take when no one has done what you’re trying to do before. I’m trying to forge a path where there is none.

What I know for sure, in this exact point in time, is that I can’t continue down this traditional path that I’m on. It’s better than where I was before I was laid off but it’s not going to satisfy me in the long run. There’s a reason why I always hated group work in school. I really don’t want someone else’s agenda to determine my sanity. I just care a lot about the things that I work on and it’s hard for me to not care and I find that most of the time I have to turn that part of me off in order to get through certain things.

I really, really love having complete control over what I put out into the world. I like having control over the things that people are going to judge me on, so that I can be proud to say that I made it, whatever “it” happens to be.

This is all al rambling mess, but I had to just say it. I haven’t written a journal entry, a personal one, in like forever. It’s been harder to say things.

So here’s the great news. I got a job and I started three weeks ago. I am no longer a part of the unemployed masses, which makes me feel normal again. All of the clichés apply. A huge weight has been lifted, and the monkey is off my back. I feel for everyone that is still unemployed these days. It definitely sucks and I don’t wish it on anyone.

The really great thing is that I like my new job. I’m working for Lowepro as their web producer. It’s a different position for me in that I work for a company that creates a product and isn’t all about the web. I finally get to use all of my online knowledge to really help an organization grow and expand its reach. I’m very excited about all of the possibilities that it holds for my future. You should all go out and buy a Lowepro bag for your cameras!

While I won’t miss the job or the work I will miss the money it gave me. That place was just a waiting room for my real passion. I’m not sure what I feel right now or what I’m going to do exactly. This didn’t happen at a good time in my life, is there ever a good time to be let go? I guess not but I was this close to making a transition out of there on my own terms and now I’m fucked.

I know that I’ll be OK in the long run but right now this doesn’t feel good at all. I’m never going to put myself in that kind of position ever again. I couldn’t even look at my now former boss, it makes me sick.

But do you know what the best revenge is? Success, of course. This is my low, boy is it ever, but I’m sorry — I’m only going up from here. I want more for myself, and jesus christ, I interviewed Kyle Petty and Dale Jarrett this month. That has to stand for something, it has to mean something. I’m going places, I know it, even if right now I’m crying my eyes out. I’m not going to let this get me down. There have been too many amazing things that have happened to me this year to let this stupid situation be the thing that holds me back.

My Mother’s Day present was a hit. I put together a slideshow of photos of my sister and I starting from infancy until now. I set the whole thing to music using the Barry Manilow song “I Am Your Child.” Now that I look at that title it kind of sounds like something telling you that I’m the child you gave up for adoption years ago, but it’s nothing like that. It’s a really, really sweet song and it just basically tells your parent that everything that’s good about you came from them.

The tears started to flow the minute it started. Mission Accomplished! I can’t wait for my sister and my aunt and my grandma to see it. I expect full on crying sessions while watching this sucker. I cry every time I look at it.

The one really cool extra about this whole thing is that I scanned all these photos so now I have digital copies of photos of me as a baby and a child. I was adorable if I do say so myself. There’s one great photo of me when I was 4-years-old with my grandpa. I’m going to upload it and get it framed. Good stuff.

After looking through the site that pulls your Flickr photos and them frames them for you, I think I might get even more of those photos done like that. I could have a whole wall of framed photos in my new apartment.

Ah yes, my new apartment. Yep I’m moving out for the third and final time! I’ll be living in the luxury apartments in Concord, just across from BART, in the bigger one bedroom floor plan. I’m really excited about the place, it’s veddy nice and I’m so glad it’s not an 80′s flashback like that place in Walnut Creek.

I’m moving next Thursday and I’ll post photos when everything is all set up. My boss is allowing me to work from home two days a week which will be great.

Obviously the benefits of living with my mom rent-free were great but now that she has a significant other three’s a crowd. There was no way I could stay and it’s better for everyone this way. I will say that at first it threw my plans for one race a month into upheaval, but it’s not that big a deal.

Everything is going to work itself out. Plus I’m not sad about this at all, I’m glad to have my own place again with my own things.

It’s really sad that Shelby doesn’t get as much attention as her talent deserves, but then again maybe that’s a good thing. She can be spared from all the insane celebrity coverage that’s been going on these days.

On Saturday I’m volunteering at our local Spelling Bee. I signed up not knowing how much work I was actually going to have to do. It’s not hard work mind you, but there’s a lot of stuff you have to be aware of, some serious rules. The thing I’m not looking forward to is eliminating the kids from the competition. I guess I’ll see how it all plays out, it should be interesting. The last National Spelling Bee winner was from this area, so who knows maybe we can go for two in a row.

There are some things going down at work that I do not like. I can’t go into detail because it’ll just serve to irritate me further. I will say this though; I continue to be amazed at all the wackadoodle crap that goes on around that place. It’s just crazy.

While the work stuff bothers me it does serve a purpose as a great motivator to take my blog to another level. I’m not totally clear on how I’m going to get to that next level but I know it’ll happen. Now that I’ve written that out I really need to think about that more. Just what exactly is it that I want to do next, like what’s the next step? Hmm… food for thought.

While I don’t have a perfectly clear idea of the big picture, I do know that I made up a list of the races I want to go to for the rest of the year. The next one would be the race at Charlotte in May. I’m going to get a t-shirt and hoodie made from Neighborhoodies that’ll say “The Fast And The Fabulous Dot Com.” They’re gonna be soooo cool.

Needless to say I am looking forward to Dave’s new CD which comes out on April 1st.

Even though I’m back living with my mom, I feel like I’m on the right path, finally! Oh and for the record, my mom is absolutely wonderful. I owe her everything. I am lucky to have her. So it’s not about having to live with her, it’s just about the fact that I don’t have my own place.

Everything feels right for right now. My racing blog is growing and I’m going to two, not one, but two NASCAR races in the coming weeks.

I keep thinking about this idea — or it might have been a dream, I’m not sure — I had when I was younger. I saw myself living in my dream home (a big house with a wrap-around porch) that was situated out in the country, far from other neighbors, but still close to city stuff. I was married with children and I worked from home the majority of the time as a writer. At that point in time I didn’t know what I would be writing.

There have been times when I strayed from this idea, well yea many times. My problem has been that I’m passionate about a lot of different things. I’m very curious and when something intrigues me I’ll come up with an idea for it, like that whole Superficial Clothing Company thing and then of course The Playground. But I’ve always loved to write. Through writing I could make my own world. I remember writing those silly & naive love stories when I was in junior high. I loved reading them and imagining it all coming to life. It’s funny, my formula has stayed the same, I always meet the guy in some random situation, and he’s never someone I already knew through family or friends. It was always some chance meeting in a music or book store, or outside my house. ha.

I always wrote for myself and not necessarily for other people. I kinda stepped out of my box in high school when I was the co-editor of the newspaper. My idea to go around to the other local high schools to interview the kids there about what their campus was really like was freaking brilliant, if I do say so myself. I got to get out of school and check out the hot dudes at other schools.

Anyway, with The Fast and the Fabulous and now this magazine deal I really feel like my fantasy of working from my dream home is totally possible.

I think there’s a big misconception of me out there amongst the people that know me personally. Because I grew up being the bookish, shy person nobody thinks that I want the spotlight. But I do! I mean, I love public speaking. I welcome it. And the idea of having my own show thrills me to no end. Don’t get me wrong, the idea of interviewing people freaks me out, but in a good way. I know I can do it, that’s not the issue. I just want to do it right and do it well. So the question isn’t about if I can, it’s really about can I kick ass and take names when I do.

I forgot how much I love the music and artists that I have in my collection. Have you heard of Artificial Joy Club? Did you know that BBMak was freaking awesome?? I think I have literally every CD Tori Amos has ever made. I’m actually quite proud of that that fact.

In other news…

Yesterday I was dealt a harsh blow. Nobody died or anything horrible like that. No, I approached my boss about my NASCAR project and asked if I could work from the road basically. I was denied. I could go into a million reasons why me working from the road isn’t impossible and isn’t a bad idea at all, or how it wouldn’t change anything productivity wise, but it’s pointless. Although it still boggles my mind, considering the fact that we live in a world where I could be on the beach in freaking St. Tropez nowhere near anything and I could still send email and make phone calls as if I were in a regular office.

But whatever, there’s no use crying over spilled milk. I would rather take my lemons and make some kickass lemonade. Which is what I fully intend to do.

I always have a plan. Well, I should say, I always have a plan when it comes to something that means a lot to me. The original idea has changed but the heart of it is still there. I think this is the best and only way to make the most of my racing blog. I really need to be at the races, more than just two or three a year. I would layout my tentitive plans here but I’ll wait till I know for sure.

Over these past couple of days I’ve been thinking about something that happened to me a little while ago. Only recently has this moment turned into something bigger. Nothing monumental has happened. I’m still me, still single and working and dreaming.

But in regards to men things have changed, at least for right now. I realized the other day that at this point in time the most important thing for me is to spend the next year chasing my dream of writing full-time and not chasing guys. The thought of getting dressed up to go out to a bar or wherever doesn’t intrigue me. The thought of putting up another personals ad icks me out. I’m over it. Maybe I’ll change my mind, but I truly think that by experiencing life and doing the things that I really, really want to do, I’ll be in a much better place to meet someone. I think it’ll happen that way, as opposed to just being bored and having nothing else to do.

In these past few days of getting ready to move all my stuff into storage with the plan for next year rolling around in my head it occurred to me just how much this next year means to me. There is nothing else I want more than to finally lead the life I’ve imagined. I know 27 isn’t old but it just feels like I’m overdue for this experience.