All of a sudden I have a headache. Probably too much Dr. Pepper.

Over these past couple of days I’ve been thinking about something that happened to me a little while ago. Only recently has this moment turned into something bigger. Nothing monumental has happened. I’m still me, still single and working and dreaming.

But in regards to men things have changed, at least for right now. I realized the other day that at this point in time the most important thing for me is to spend the next year chasing my dream of writing full-time and not chasing guys. The thought of getting dressed up to go out to a bar or wherever doesn’t intrigue me. The thought of putting up another personals ad icks me out. I’m over it. Maybe I’ll change my mind, but I truly think that by experiencing life and doing the things that I really, really want to do, I’ll be in a much better place to meet someone. I think it’ll happen that way, as opposed to just being bored and having nothing else to do.

In these past few days of getting ready to move all my stuff into storage with the plan for next year rolling around in my head it occurred to me just how much this next year means to me. There is nothing else I want more than to finally lead the life I’ve imagined. I know 27 isn’t old but it just feels like I’m overdue for this experience.

Doh! I can’t believe I didn’t think of this sooner. I don’t know if this is actually feasible but what if I quit my job, after paying some major stuff off of course, and then got some easy peasy retail job. Then I could write in my blog whenever and I’d be free of the daily office grind. I could focus even more so on getting my blog out there and trying to work with NASCAR.

I don’t think that’d work really, I can do the same thing now. I am doing the same thing now. I am going to work with NASCAR and I’m going to go to all of the races of the 2008 season. There’s just no way around that. I need to be there and I will be there. I just hate this waiting for word back, I want to know what these people think and I want the chance to really explain it. They need to hear me directly.

I have no idea why I’m still at work. It’s the most pointless thing in the world. I have nothing to do and I sit here trying to act like there’s something. it’s the funniest thing in the world. I don’t like the looks I’ve been getting. I didn’t make this happen, I didn’t create this situation. They created it. If you want me to do something, then give me something to do! UGH!

I can’t even remember why I was hired anymore. I seriously don’t know. Don’t ask me if I want it, just give it to me. Ugh. This is really the last time that I’m going through this. I’m sure I’ll encounter rough waters when I’m out there as a full-time blogger, but at least I’ll be doing my thing and not someone elses. Or faking doing someone’s elses.

The waiting is the hardest part. I know that I have a unique voice and perspective and I know that it’s something that no one else has ever done before. At least not consistently.

So I got the new Mandy Moore CD this week, Tuesday the day it came out to be exact, and I loooooove it. Looove it! She sounds kinda pissed and jilted on this CD and I’m eatin’ it up like that skinny asian guy in those food eating competitions.

There are a bunch of good songs with just totally right on lyrics. For example the song “Nothing That You Are,” it has lyrics, great melody and I am in love with the drums. Another song called “Latest Mistake” is yet another song that resonates with me for a reason that I won’t go into here. Other goodies are: All Good Things, Wild Hope and Gardenia.

Here’s my latest thing about guys. All I want is one guy for the rest of my life that will love me as much as I love him. It’s that simple. I was watching Kathy Griffin’s Bravo reality show “My Life on the D-List” and it covered her father’s death. He was 90! I think it’s awesome he lived that long. Anyway, he and his wife were together for over 30 years. That’s so great, and when Kathy asked him what the secret was to their marriage, he said that you just had to find someone who thought was just neatest thing and they had to feel the same way about you. I’m totally paraphrasing but it came out to be something like that.

I feel like I’m holding myself back from being myself. I’ve noticed this since being in this new job. The first week I was ok ’cause I was thinking this place could be just like things were at ANG, I just have to get through meeting everyone and learning the ropes. Well it hasn’t been quite that easy. The difference with ANG was that the web department was a handful of people. It was us against everybody else. Now I’m a little girl fish in a big pond of male fishies that have their own cliques. And then you factor in the fact that everything that I can do is on hold or out of my hands, and you’ve got a recipe for restlessness.

I love the money that I make, but unfortunately that’s not enough. I just wish I could be doing something that I felt content with on all fronts.

And having the fact that I don’t have a degree thrown in my face all the time is not helping to make me feel more comfortable. It’s making me long for a way out of all this. Well he did give me an out, kinda. Long story.

I don’t know what to do with myself. I was checking out a NASCAR-related article online today and my boss comes up behind me and just stares at the screen. I’m like “what’s up?” and he’s all, “oh nothing, just checking out what’s going on” something to that effect. I just want to scream! Like get away! Go find something for me to do.. jeez.

I’m frustrated and he knows it. This is all very ugly. Wow. I didn’t mean to use that word but it fits.

I want to be free, free to do whatever the fuck I want to do whenever the fuck I want to do it. And what that means is that I want to be able to wake up in the morning and get up whenever I want. I want to make my own schedule, day-to-day. I want to decide what I do next and how I do it. I was meant to be independent. Maybe I should be a blogger that’s affliated with a large company, not owned by them.

I recently read Carly Fiorina’s book “Tough Choices: A Memoir.” I highly reccommend it! It’s such a great book. It just shows you all of the retardation that exists in business. It doesn’t matter what company you work for or even if you love what you do. It’s still there, although if you love what you do then it’s easier to deal with the dillweeds.

Anywhoo.. I’m so glad that I get to not think about all of this for the next three days because I will be in La La Land for my youngest nephews birthday.

This is hard, there are so many things I want to say but I’m afraid to type them up here. Too many damn prying eyes all around. I can’t use the word bored anymore. There must be another word that means the same but has a more tragic feeling to it.

Right about now I’d kill for like walls, walls that I could sit in. No, I’d kill for a conference call or a meeting, some sort of busy work. But I can’t think of anything. I could email someone for more information but that doesn’t require me to actually do anything, it only takes a second to send an email. I need something that’ll eat up hours and hours of time.

What can ya do? How could I have known that it was going to be this way? I saw the good from the outside. I didn’t get to see all the players and how they interacted. No one ever gets to see that before they’re hired. The truth is, I needed more money so that I could breathe financially speaking. And now that I have that, I need to be able to breathe creatively.

I really, really, really, hope that the people at NASCAR.COM will be open to my NASCAR Year idea.

I’m in a bit of a pickle, but I need to relax and let fate and destiny do their thing.

Over the weekend I wrote up my idea for what I’m tentatively calling “My NASCAR Year.” I registered it with the Writer’s Guild of America, West and then this morning I signed the NASCAR submission release form and fedex’d it all to the NASCAR Digital Entertainment people.

They should get it tomorrow afternoon. Hopefully the peeps over at NASCAR Dig. Ent. will be in their offices waiting with baited breath for my proposal.

If they don’t bite then I’m totally out of luck with this endeavor. This really scares me because at this moment in my life there’s nothing that I want more than to make this thing happen. I need to be out in the world, exploring, writing and talking to people. I need to do this now more than ever. It just means so much to me and I want to be positive and think positively that they’ll see the good in this idea. They have to see the unique perspective that I could bring to this documentary. It’s a total win-win situation.

I’m just not sure what to do with myself now that I must wait for them to receive the file, read it and then contact me. I’ve tried to think about what I would do if they didn’t pick up this idea and approve it, but I don’t want to. I’m so focused on them getting it and understanding it and liking it that I can’t bare to think what I would do if they don’t.

I’d still have this job, this job that just doesn’t seem to be working for me, at least in my head. I love the money I make of course, but there’s more to life than money. I haven’t clicked with people and maybe that’s partly my fault, but I know that I’ve gotten the cold shoulder. There isn’t the team warm and fuzzies like their were with Patrick and Kevin at ANG. I miss that. I guess I’d have to think of a business idea that I could save up for and then start with a small amount of money. I better go home now.

Just stay positive. Visualize success. Smile.