I haven’t done anything wrong, and yet it’s affecting my whole fucking day. I hate that bastard, no, wait, BOTH of those bastards. Ugh… It’s throwing my plans into upheaval. Actually it’s just forcing me to do the thing that I know I need to do. I just have to remember My Spark.

“Down in Flames” by Mindy Smith

I don’t usually take chances
Most would easily agree
Something in your eyes
Is saying you can ease my heartache
I have a hurting inside
And I know you’re just a stranger
If you can’t I’ll understand
There’s too many times
I’ve lost my chance to talk with an angel
Too many to count

And life’s so hard
It’s the little things that seem to be getting me today, yeah
Life’s so hard
But I’m doing what I can not to be getting down
While I’m going down in flames
Going down in flames

I would tell you I am happy
If I wasn’t so damn sad
And the loneliness both overwhelms and keeps me empty
That’s how it’s been for a while

And life’s so hard
It’s the little things that seem to be getting me today, yeah
Life’s so hard
But I’m doing what I can not to be getting down
While I’m going down in flames
Going down in flames

I need some direction
I need someone to listen
Someone to tell me that they know

That life’s so hard
It’s the little things that seem to be saving me today, yeah
Life’s so hard
And I’m doing what I can
Oh, yeah, I’m doing what I can
Hey, I’m doing what I can
Putting out yeah
Putting out the flames

Worlds are colliding people.

I’m kinda watching an episode of “Jamie Kennedy’s Blowin’ Up”, which is, as far as I’m concerned, a mockreality show about Jamie Kennedy trying to become a rapper. He records a song with Bob Sagat (ya know the dad from Full House), it’s sort of funny and sort of disturbing at the same time.

On the other side of the spectrum yesterday I saw a commercial for Vera Wang. She designed a matress people! Is there anything this woman can’t do? She makes insanely beautiful dresses, wedding gowns, then she moved on to china, jewelry, perfume. Of course the next logical step is mattresses. What’s going on? Is Donna Karan gonna come out with a line of vaccums? Crazy.

Oh, and The Omen is coming out soon, so they’re showing more and more of the movie in the trailer. I was intially excited that they were making another Omen movie, but now I’m miffed because it’s just a remake of the original. Lame. I like Julia Stiles, but still I would of prefered it if they made a whole new one instead of starting over from the beginning.

Ok… I’m still sort of watching Jamie Kennedy’s “reality” show and Ice-T’s wife can’t act… ugh… damn bastardization of reality tv

I am in day three of my “forced” vacation. Normal people would be happy to not have to go into work for a whole week, but I find myself not particulary happy. I know that my work isn’t being done and I am partly to blame for that. But as the saying goes, “there’s no use in crying over spilled milk”.

Ugh. Then I realized that I’m on morning updates next week which means I probably won’t be getting anything more than the basics done when I’m back at the office. Total clusterfuck when I get back and I’m not really looking forward to that, I just want to get things done.

At least I’ll have the aparment to myself over the weekend. Oh crap.. That just occured to me, that I’ll have the place to myself… I shoulda planned a party or something. Oh well

I really wanted to write about what I’ve been up to lately. It’s all been about work for me lately. It intrigues me to go every day to find out what’s going to happen next. I guess that’s really boring. Maybe I should get a hobby. I was thinking about taking ballet classes, which is harder to find than I thought. I did however find out that The Bar Method has a studio in Walnut Creek. That might be cool to do.

I think I’m just bored of being the “single girl.” Been there, done that, I’m ready for something else, something more. I want to experience more, and I will, and I am already am in different ways, but there’s sooo much more out there.

As for dudes. Hmm… I don’t want to give anyone any false ideas about who I am or what I’m about, even at the risk of sounding incredibly boring. I can’t help that, but I also don’t know what would make me soo exciting either. I’m constantly thinking that other women are doing something so much better than I am, maybe it’s the girl with fifty hobbies that gets the guy. I have no idea. This is all just talk, blah, blah, blah… I need something to put in this blog.

I asked the Oracle book one of it’s many questions. “What does my future husband look like?” It said, for the second straight time, “He is older than you and perhaps too good looking for his own good”

Ok, so I ask… Where the fuck are you older, too good looking guy?!?!?! I jest, I kid, I kid… but seriously. I kinda think I’ve already met him. Or maybe not I dunno. That would be nice ’cause then I could just go up to him and be like “look, the oracle said that you’re the dude, so let’s get on with it” ha..

Yes, people I want to get married, this isn’t a secret. I want the whole shebang, the wedding, the honeymoon, the house, the kids, the husband, the wrap-around porch, the dogs, the carpools, pta meetings, mommy & me classes, birthday parties, dinner parties, family vacations, (can’t do mini-vans, i’m allergic), little league, changing diapers, getting no sleep at all…

I’m tired. I’m mentally and physically tired today. Today I had a meeting scheduled with a staffing agency in San Francisco. I hate going into the city, especially that part of the city. The financial district is just too crowded and crazy for me. I couldn’t make up my mind about whether or not I should go to the damn interview. It’s never taken me that long to make up my mind about something like that.

*happy scream* I got a call/email from a potential employer for a telephone interview. I am sooooo stoked right now. I am so excited. It’s a great job too. Hopefully I’ll land a face to face interview, that is my current top priority.

Last night I went to Blake’s in Berkeley to see Matt’s band perform. They put on a really good show. They have a good band and a lot of real potential.

I did really well seeing Matt again. I didn’t clam up and not talk. I was easy-going and happy and nice. He dyed his hair black and was wearing black eyeliner. All of the guys in the band were wearing eyeliner, except for the drummer. He looked cute, but different. I walked past him like 4 times and totally didn’t recognize him.

Everything was ok until the end. Although I shouldn’t make it sound like it was horrible when he walked me to my car and we talked. It’s not like he said anything new, things are still the same. He’s still trying to figure out if he wants to get back with his ex or not. He says that I shouldn’t assume things. I shouldn’t assume that he’ll get back with her. But I feel like I basically have to think that he will in order to move on with my life in basic terms. I am by no means cutting myself off from the possibilty of other guys if they come along, ’cause believe me if some hot dude came up to me and wanted to go out I’d be all over that. At the same time though I have the little window of hope open that he’ll get over her and come back to me. That I can’t deny. I want him to make a decision asap, and I know his ex does too, so hopefully he’ll figure it out soon. They’re going back to Arcata today, and they’ll be home for a lil over a week before they come back down for another show in Foster City. I already know that if he gets back with her before that show, I’m defintely not going. I don’t know if I’d go if he hadn’t made a decision by then. It’s like what’s the point. I mean yea I like the band, but to go there and see him and not be able to touch him or be affectionate would just suck.

I’m just trying to get through these days. Work is annoying. I try to do as little as possible, but still do actual work. These aren’t hard things to do, but the longer I’m here the more they’ll give me and the more they’ll expect. And I don’t want that. I want to leave. I want to find a new job, one that fits for right now. I know I’ll find it and I know that it’ll be sooner rather than later. So lets lay it out, what job do I want.

- A full-time, salaried, benefited position
- Routine, daily work
- Interaction with people that doesn’t require me to sell or convince them on/of anything
- Is in a location that is close to Starbucks, a variety of eateries and/or my home.
- A small to large office filled with at least a small group of people within or near my age group
- A company that makes something or provides a service that I can understand and actually care about.
- I need my own cubicle or space that isn’t shared with my supervisor. A place where I can play my music at a reasonable sound level.

Hmm, that’s all I’ve got right now. I can’t believe I’m functioning on only 4 hours of sleep.