I know that that wasn’t my fault. I really, really do, but I can’t help but feel it sometimes. And sometimes you need to be able to get that out of your head. The song below does that for me, it gets it out so that I can move on to the positive thoughts.

“Tapes” by Alanis Morissette

“I am someone easy to leave”
“Even easier to forget”
a voice, if inaccurate

Again: “I’m the one they all run from”
Diatribes of clouded sun
Someone help me find the pause button

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren’t my own
Wreaking havoc

“I’m too exhausting to be loved”
“a volatile chemical”
“best to quarantine and cut off”

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren’t my own
Wreaking havoc

“I’m but thorn in your sweet side”
“You are better off without me”
“It’d be best to leave at once”

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my heard aren’t my own
Wreaking havoc

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I know that people might think that having gastric bypass surgery in order to lose weight is taking the easy way out, but it’s not when you think about the fact that I opted for major surgery that could of ended in death when I didn’t have to.

I didn’t finish college. I’m not looking to become a sports writer for a major publication, going through the ranks from intern to staff writer. Nah, I’d rather do it on my own and create a name for myself. It’s a lot harder this way but it’s how I want it.

I know there’s a part of me that probably gets off on the struggle and the frustration. But maybe that’s because I know it’ll taste that much sweeter when I realize my goals?

At this point I guess it’s about just proving myself to myself and everyone that when I said I was going to have my own business I really meant it. My hairdresser who has been doing my hair since I was like 12 said that for as long as she’s known me I’ve been talking about wanting to have my own thing. That got to me because I still haven’t done it and it’s getting kind of old.

The time is now and I’m sick of talking about how things could be, how I imagine it all. It’s time for it to just be already.

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While I won’t miss the job or the work I will miss the money it gave me. That place was just a waiting room for my real passion. I’m not sure what I feel right now or what I’m going to do exactly. This didn’t happen at a good time in my life, is there ever a good time to be let go? I guess not but I was this close to making a transition out of there on my own terms and now I’m fucked.

I know that I’ll be OK in the long run but right now this doesn’t feel good at all. I’m never going to put myself in that kind of position ever again. I couldn’t even look at my now former boss, it makes me sick.

But do you know what the best revenge is? Success, of course. This is my low, boy is it ever, but I’m sorry — I’m only going up from here. I want more for myself, and jesus christ, I interviewed Kyle Petty and Dale Jarrett this month. That has to stand for something, it has to mean something. I’m going places, I know it, even if right now I’m crying my eyes out. I’m not going to let this get me down. There have been too many amazing things that have happened to me this year to let this stupid situation be the thing that holds me back.

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They’re coming out with a new CD soon, on September 23rd to be exact, called “Only By The Night.” Their current single “Sex On Fire” is brilliant. It’s so freaking good. I can’t emphasize that enough. I hope to go to their concert when they’re here in October.

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On my flight to the windy city, I was situated in between a blind guy and a Russian dude whose nose was stuck in a Russian novel for the entire trip. On the 4 hours back to San Francisco I was between two women. One was a teenage girl from China who spoke little English and the other was a woman around my age who was intent on sleeping with her head down the entire time, and when she did talk she was kind of a ho.

So needless to say my pool of conversation buddies was, uhm, non-existent. This all got me thinking. Wouldn’t it be awesome if airlines had special seating for single people? It’d be great! You could totally pick who you wanted to sit next to for any given flight and make sure that you had someone who’d be open to conversation. Or at the very least have the option during the reservation process to say that you’d like to sit next to someone who’s willing to chat with you about this and that.

I hope to have to travel often in the coming year and it would be really cool if I could be guaranteed a seat next to an available hottie. Wouldn’t that be nice?

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He is also super hot, smart and thoughtful. Every so often I catch up on his blog The Modesty Writers Guild and every time I leave it feeling more clear about the path I should take in my life. I love great quotes and he always has some extremely relevant ones posted, like this gem I read today:

“Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education alone will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan “press on” has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.”

-John Calvin Coolidge

Anberlin’s new CD “New Surrender” is going to be released online in September and I can’t wait to get it! I’m soooo excited. Plus they’re on this year’s Warped Tour, it’s coming to the Shoreline Amphitheater in August, so maybe I can go to that. Hmm.

You must check out the Anberlin MySpace page and in the photo at the top, Stephen is the guy in the middle in the white long sleeved shirt looking gorgeous.

And here’s an Anberlin song for extra proof of their awesomeness:

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I miss being able to think about those things. As I get older the need to feel those things becomes more urgent. There was a great line in the movie “Then She Found Me.” Helen Hunt’s character says, “I want a baby, I can’t explain it, it’s like being hungry or having to pee.”

And so that’s how it is for me. Having kids isn’t something I can take or leave. It’s something that I have to do. It’s something that I don’t want to wait to do either. I know I’m “only 27” but time can go by so fast and I don’t want 10 years to flip by and be 37 and childless. Obviously I really don’t have all that much control over what happens, only to a certain degree, but I can’t make someone love me, hell, I can’t even make them meet me.

I wonder if I should write and post this kind of stuff here because really anyone can read it. Guys that I could be interested in could read this. And so what if they do? If you can’t handle my honesty then that’s tough for you, plus I’m not going to date just anyone in an attempt to have a kid. I have a plan, and that plan involves falling in love — real love — and getting married and having babies, all in that order.

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My Mother’s Day present was a hit. I put together a slideshow of photos of my sister and I starting from infancy until now. I set the whole thing to music using the Barry Manilow song “I Am Your Child.” Now that I look at that title it kind of sounds like something telling you that I’m the child you gave up for adoption years ago, but it’s nothing like that. It’s a really, really sweet song and it just basically tells your parent that everything that’s good about you came from them.

The tears started to flow the minute it started. Mission Accomplished! I can’t wait for my sister and my aunt and my grandma to see it. I expect full on crying sessions while watching this sucker. I cry every time I look at it.

The one really cool extra about this whole thing is that I scanned all these photos so now I have digital copies of photos of me as a baby and a child. I was adorable if I do say so myself. There’s one great photo of me when I was 4-years-old with my grandpa. I’m going to upload it and get it framed. Good stuff.

After looking through the site that pulls your Flickr photos and them frames them for you, I think I might get even more of those photos done like that. I could have a whole wall of framed photos in my new apartment.

Ah yes, my new apartment. Yep I’m moving out for the third and final time! I’ll be living in the luxury apartments in Concord, just across from BART, in the bigger one bedroom floor plan. I’m really excited about the place, it’s veddy nice and I’m so glad it’s not an 80’s flashback like that place in Walnut Creek.

I’m moving next Thursday and I’ll post photos when everything is all set up. My boss is allowing me to work from home two days a week which will be great.

Obviously the benefits of living with my mom rent-free were great but now that she has a significant other three’s a crowd. There was no way I could stay and it’s better for everyone this way. I will say that at first it threw my plans for one race a month into upheaval, but it’s not that big a deal.

Everything is going to work itself out. Plus I’m not sad about this at all, I’m glad to have my own place again with my own things.

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