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The more I learn about business and “the real world” the less I want to do with it. At some point I have to pull the trigger on the things that I really, really want. I guess I am right now. I’m doing things but I don’t know that I’m doing enough.

I need to do more with The Fast and the Fabulous and I guess I just don’t know where I should start or where I should put all of my focus and energy.

I think that I need to go to more races because those trips add so much more rich content to my site and I think it makes the most impact. It’s just so much more interesting to be at the races in general anyway. It’s hard to figure out the path you’re supposed to take when no one has done what you’re trying to do before. I’m trying to forge a path where there is none.

What I know for sure, in this exact point in time, is that I can’t continue down this traditional path that I’m on. It’s better than where I was before I was laid off but it’s not going to satisfy me in the long run. There’s a reason why I always hated group work in school. I really don’t want someone else’s agenda to determine my sanity. I just care a lot about the things that I work on and it’s hard for me to not care and I find that most of the time I have to turn that part of me off in order to get through certain things.

I really, really love having complete control over what I put out into the world. I like having control over the things that people are going to judge me on, so that I can be proud to say that I made it, whatever “it” happens to be.

This is all al rambling mess, but I had to just say it. I haven’t written a journal entry, a personal one, in like forever. It’s been harder to say things.

This blog is long overdue for an update.

So here’s the great news. I got a job and I started three weeks ago. I am no longer a part of the unemployed masses, which makes me feel normal again. All of the clichés apply. A huge weight has been lifted, and the monkey is off my back. I feel for everyone that is still unemployed these days. It definitely sucks and I don’t wish it on anyone.

The really great thing is that I like my new job. I’m working for Lowepro as their web producer. It’s a different position for me in that I work for a company that creates a product and isn’t all about the web. I finally get to use all of my online knowledge to really help an organization grow and expand its reach. I’m very excited about all of the possibilities that it holds for my future. You should all go out and buy a Lowepro bag for your cameras!

I know it’s not true. I know that I am worthy and capable of love, and that one day I’ll be in a relationship that reflects that. It’s just that it’s easy to remember the past, and it’s not even just about the romantic relationships I’ve had. I think of my biological father who basically abandoned me.

I know that that wasn’t my fault. I really, really do, but I can’t help but feel it sometimes. And sometimes you need to be able to get that out of your head. The song below does that for me, it gets it out so that I can move on to the positive thoughts.

“Tapes” by Alanis Morissette

“I am someone easy to leave”
“Even easier to forget”
a voice, if inaccurate

Again: “I’m the one they all run from”
Diatribes of clouded sun
Someone help me find the pause button

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren’t my own
Wreaking havoc

“I’m too exhausting to be loved”
“a volatile chemical”
“best to quarantine and cut off”

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren’t my own
Wreaking havoc

“I’m but thorn in your sweet side”
“You are better off without me”
“It’d be best to leave at once”

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my heard aren’t my own
Wreaking havoc

I always take the long way around in everything that I do. I’m not one for doing things the way you’re supposed to.

I know that people might think that having gastric bypass surgery in order to lose weight is taking the easy way out, but it’s not when you think about the fact that I opted for major surgery that could of ended in death when I didn’t have to.

I didn’t finish college. I’m not looking to become a sports writer for a major publication, going through the ranks from intern to staff writer. Nah, I’d rather do it on my own and create a name for myself. It’s a lot harder this way but it’s how I want it.

I know there’s a part of me that probably gets off on the struggle and the frustration. But maybe that’s because I know it’ll taste that much sweeter when I realize my goals?

At this point I guess it’s about just proving myself to myself and everyone that when I said I was going to have my own business I really meant it. My hairdresser who has been doing my hair since I was like 12 said that for as long as she’s known me I’ve been talking about wanting to have my own thing. That got to me because I still haven’t done it and it’s getting kind of old.

The time is now and I’m sick of talking about how things could be, how I imagine it all. It’s time for it to just be already.

My job was eliminated today and that means I am unemployed. This is not a good thing.

While I won’t miss the job or the work I will miss the money it gave me. That place was just a waiting room for my real passion. I’m not sure what I feel right now or what I’m going to do exactly. This didn’t happen at a good time in my life, is there ever a good time to be let go? I guess not but I was this close to making a transition out of there on my own terms and now I’m fucked.

I know that I’ll be OK in the long run but right now this doesn’t feel good at all. I’m never going to put myself in that kind of position ever again. I couldn’t even look at my now former boss, it makes me sick.

But do you know what the best revenge is? Success, of course. This is my low, boy is it ever, but I’m sorry — I’m only going up from here. I want more for myself, and jesus christ, I interviewed Kyle Petty and Dale Jarrett this month. That has to stand for something, it has to mean something. I’m going places, I know it, even if right now I’m crying my eyes out. I’m not going to let this get me down. There have been too many amazing things that have happened to me this year to let this stupid situation be the thing that holds me back.