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a life in progress

gone for now feels a lot like gone for good

I am absolutely, positively in love with the song “Happiness” by The Fray. It’s off of their latest self-titled CD. I have listened to this song on repeat about a million times so far. It kind of says it all for me. It’s sort of solemn but then so hopeful. It is an awesome nighttime driving song.

Lyrics to “Happiness” by The Fray

Happiness is just outside my window
Would it crash blowing 80-miles an hour?
Or is happiness a little more like knocking
On your door, and you just let it in?

Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can’t make it come or go
But you are gone – not for good but for now
Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good

Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
‘Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks

Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that’s enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar

Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you’ll never find it all
But let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she’ll be home
Home, home, home

flashing red light means go

I love this new theme for my site! It’s simple and personal. Just like a book about my life.

These days I can’t seem to find the right words that explain my life status. I get worried about thinking or saying the wrong thing and being “negative.” Ugh, when everything I want is so positive and happy. They’re all good things.

I’m worried about disappointment. It’s annoying to be worried about disappointment, I know this.

I moved to the extremely small town of Cotati to be closer to my day job which is only 11 miles from my new loft apartment. I love my loft apartment, by the way. It’s big and quiet. The move was in May.

No problems there. I just want to get so many other things on the right track.

On August 31st I turned 29 which kinda freaks me out. I just feel like time is moving so fast and I’m not keeping up.

I do have things to be proud of ya know, like the growth of The Fast and the Fabulous and being selected for the NASCAR Citizen Journalist Media Corps without having to submit myself for consideration. That made me very happy. I guess it’s that I get a taste of something great, and being the impatient person I can be sometimes, I just want more and I want it, like, this minute.

I’ve decided that things are going to get better and I’m going to be happy. I’ve decided that I’m going to get the things that I want.

🙂

i just want something real

The more I learn about business and “the real world” the less I want to do with it. At some point I have to pull the trigger on the things that I really, really want. I guess I am right now. I’m doing things but I don’t know that I’m doing enough.

I need to do more with The Fast and the Fabulous and I guess I just don’t know where I should start or where I should put all of my focus and energy.

I think that I need to go to more races because those trips add so much more rich content to my site and I think it makes the most impact. It’s just so much more interesting to be at the races in general anyway. It’s hard to figure out the path you’re supposed to take when no one has done what you’re trying to do before. I’m trying to forge a path where there is none.

What I know for sure, in this exact point in time, is that I can’t continue down this traditional path that I’m on. It’s better than where I was before I was laid off but it’s not going to satisfy me in the long run. There’s a reason why I always hated group work in school. I really don’t want someone else’s agenda to determine my sanity. I just care a lot about the things that I work on and it’s hard for me to not care and I find that most of the time I have to turn that part of me off in order to get through certain things.

I really, really love having complete control over what I put out into the world. I like having control over the things that people are going to judge me on, so that I can be proud to say that I made it, whatever “it” happens to be.

This is all al rambling mess, but I had to just say it. I haven’t written a journal entry, a personal one, in like forever. It’s been harder to say things.

oh yeah, i got a job.

This blog is long overdue for an update.

So here’s the great news. I got a job and I started three weeks ago. I am no longer a part of the unemployed masses, which makes me feel normal again. All of the clichés apply. A huge weight has been lifted, and the monkey is off my back. I feel for everyone that is still unemployed these days. It definitely sucks and I don’t wish it on anyone.

The really great thing is that I like my new job. I’m working for Lowepro as their web producer. It’s a different position for me in that I work for a company that creates a product and isn’t all about the web. I finally get to use all of my online knowledge to really help an organization grow and expand its reach. I’m very excited about all of the possibilities that it holds for my future. You should all go out and buy a Lowepro bag for your cameras!

someone help me find the pause button

I know it’s not true. I know that I am worthy and capable of love, and that one day I’ll be in a relationship that reflects that. It’s just that it’s easy to remember the past, and it’s not even just about the romantic relationships I’ve had. I think of my biological father who basically abandoned me.

I know that that wasn’t my fault. I really, really do, but I can’t help but feel it sometimes. And sometimes you need to be able to get that out of your head. The song below does that for me, it gets it out so that I can move on to the positive thoughts.

“Tapes” by Alanis Morissette

“I am someone easy to leave”
“Even easier to forget”
a voice, if inaccurate

Again: “I’m the one they all run from”
Diatribes of clouded sun
Someone help me find the pause button

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren’t my own
Wreaking havoc

“I’m too exhausting to be loved”
“a volatile chemical”
“best to quarantine and cut off”

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren’t my own
Wreaking havoc

“I’m but thorn in your sweet side”
“You are better off without me”
“It’d be best to leave at once”

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my heard aren’t my own
Wreaking havoc