I’m in a weird mood today. I support two departments in my new position. Today I learned a little bit about what I’m supposed to be doing for one of the two departments. I think my stress lies in the fact that the woman who’s training me sucks at explaining the things I need to know. She gets caught up in details that I don’t need to know. I could care less. That frustrates me. I hate it when people don’t get to the point and just tell me the least that I need to know. I’m getting better at telling my self to just go with it and not worry about things. I totally get the whole worrying deal from my mom and mostly from my grandmother. She is the queen of worry and guilt. Anyway I’m not going to dwell on that because I know that I can do this job and that I can do it well. I’m just worried I’m going to miss something and all that. I don’t want people to think I’m stupid. That’s my biggest fear.

Today I’m getting my hair done. I’m getting highlights put back in. I’m not sure if I’m going to get the same ones that I got last time. Last time I got “gold”, I’m thinking of getting something a little softer. Either way it’ll be cool.

Joseph came by my house last night without calling! That dope. I was already in bed ready to go to sleep so I told my mom to tell him I was sleeping. I want to call him but at the same time I don’t. Something is holding me back. I suppose I just don’t want to hear him whine. But I don’t think he has anything to whine about now, he’s got his girlfriend and he’s got a job he’s doing well in. So things should be good for him now. I don’t know I just have to be in the right mood. I was out with Jonathan on Sunday and we were at the Target in Walnut Creek. Joseph was there with his girlfriend, Nikki, who is totally not that cute at all!! She has this weird chubby face. I don’t know, I still don’t know what he sees in her, actually that’s not true, I do see it. I just think it sucks.. ahh Deja Vu!

I gotta go!

I produce shows for local unsigned bands and I’m starting to get sick of it. The past two shows that I’ve done I’ve found myself saying “I don’t hafta do this” in the middle of it. Plus after talking to Adam yesterday I’m starting to think I should stop doing them all together. Why you ask? Well I’m doing a show in June and I’ve already begun booking for that show. I had four bands lined up and I just needed one other one. I wanted to use a band I hadn’t used in the past. Possibly one of the good Sacramento bands. Anyway I get an IM from Adam who asks if I’m going to have LIFT on my next show. And I’m like I don’t know… first of all I don’t like LIFT. I mean they’re lead singer is a nice guy but his vocals suck and I’m not a big fan of them, plus I’ve already had them in one of my shows and I don’t really want to use them again when I could use that slot for a better band. So anyway I finally give in and say that LIFT can play the show but they hafta go second because three of the five other bands are from the Concord area..and Fingertight hasta headline it because they have the best draw out of all those bands…so he’s like all “second is lame” and I’m thinking “hey, the band is lame” but I couldn’t say that. So anyway he goes on to ask me if I need help with that show too…help means sound and he has cheap sound and I basically need him because I don’t have any way else of getting sound…well I do but I would hafta pay way more than I’d want to. So I’m basically stuck with having to have LIFT play just because he’s going to do sound for me. And I hafta split my dough with him because we’re doing the show together…which doesn’t really make sense to me… I think I’m going to change that. Anyway yesterday I was totally ready to call it quits. I mean it’s not fun…it’s a pain in the ass. That’s mostly because I can’t do things the way I want to and I’m sick of dealing with Juli the Teen Activities Coordinator for Pleasant Hill. She’s totally irritating. I hate having to work with her and check in with her.. it’s a pain in the ass. I’m totally frustrated with the Director of Leisure Services for Concord. I call him and he tells me the same shit, which leads to nothing getting done. I want him to give me a damn date… I hate adults. I’m sick of bands asking me for shows and them not understanding that I don’t have a gazillion dates to work with. I’m not at the point where I completely don’t want to do it anymore, but I’m getting there. That convo with Adam yesterday pissed me off. I hate having to do something that I don’t want to. I know I could have said no but I didn’t want to jeopardize my sound situation. I need to find a better and cheap way to get sound without having to use Adam. I don’t want to go back to paying 1000 bucks and having to provide two guys to help them out. I personally think they should take care of that themselves. ugh! you don’t know how frustrating this is! I hate boys….they’re such a pain in the ass.

So tonight I’m going to a show in Pacheco (of all places) with Jonathan and Jamie. I keep having friends who’s names begin with J. I have no idea what that’s about. I’m going to go pick up Jonathan after I leave work. I brought the board game I won from entering a Business Plan competition, so I figure we can kill time before the show playing that… and I know Jamie gets off at PM. and the show starts at PM…so maybe we can go to dinner before the show…that’d be cool. I gotta go. I can’t think of anything good to say.

I love target…. In Walnut Creek they have a fabulous Target. It’s huge and up to date. I don’t think I’ve even seen the whole store, I’m usually there for certain things and I don’t hafta go into all the departments… I never go into the clothing areas so that limits things. I bought Pepperidge Farms cookies, Verona’s….they’re the ones that have the fruit in the middle… totally delicious. Anyway that was my lunch and now I’m back here writing this which gives you and idea of the demanding work schedule I have. All my work comes in spurts. Usually there are things that I can do but just don’t feel like it for whatever reason but right now I really don’t have anything to do. I hate that in a way because then people might walk by and think I don’t do anything. It’s just that I don’t have any daily responsibilities. I need some seriously. I’m totally bored again… I bought a PEOPLE magazine but I don’t wanna read it in case someone comes up with something for me to do but I probably will anyway!

Forget everything I said about that guy friend of mine….oh his name is Jonathan. I don’t think I said that before. Anyway I talked to him last night and as usual after tons of contemplation on my part our usual telephone convo was fraught with tons of “should I or shouldn’t I’s” that ended with me hanging up first vowing to not like him and to stop calling him once and for all. I invited him to come to a show that I’m going to with Jamie on Friday and he said that he wasn’t totally sure about if he could go or not, or if he even wanted to. So I just said that I would call him on Friday and see what was up. It’s not a good time to talk to him now anyway because the job offer that he had was taken back and he has to get all this stuff straightened out with his school.

So I really shouldn’t talk to him until after all of that is done. I always feel like a burden to someone when I’m talking to them during small personal crisis’. I have no nuggets of wisdom to give him so I always feel like I’m not of any help. I really should not call him just because, we’ve talked everyday this week and that’s a bit much. He used to be the one to call me, so I would like to go back to that. So I’m not calling him tonight..It’s SURVIVOR night! woo-hoo! And I am going to call him on Friday just to see if he wants to go out with Jamie and I to the movies….but then I shan’t call him…. ugh… I hate saying that I’m not going to call him… I mean he’s not like some normal guy that I like…he is an official “Guy Friend” so I can call him whenever… maybe I should just say that I should curb how long it takes me to call him…ya know? Like if I get the urge to call I should go crochet or something.

The horrible thing is that I am finally happy with my work situation which in turn makes doing shows and all that so much easier. It makes my life easier to deal with.

Jenkies! gotta go…work calls…

Okay…I’m never going on another blind date ever again. At least I won’t if I know after talking to the guy on the phone that he’s totally not for me. I met a guy last night and it was a total mistake. I had to call my friend Jamie and have her call me back and act like she was stranded at the BART station to get out of it. I’m actually in the middle of a self imposed Guy Strike. I’m not supposed to like or ask any guys out. Which I am going to totally uphold now. The only way a Guy Strike can end is if a guy asks ME out first. So I have a feeling it’s going to be awhile.

I’m actually in a total conundrum about a guy-friend of mine. When I first met him he was going through some stuff emotionally and he really didn’t seem all that attractive to me when he was in that state. But now he’s gotten way better, he’s like a different person and I’m starting to like him a lot. He’s a bit taller than me and has really pretty blue eyes. It’s a weird situation, well not really, I think I’ve made it a weird situation by being generally attracted to him. He does have all of the attributes that I want and need in a guy. He’s physically attractive to me, he’s smart, he’s about to get his Masters in Somatic Psychology, and he’ll be making very good money once he’s a licensed Therapist. He’s obviously got a plan and he’s working towards it. He has a car and he doesn’t live at home. What more could you want?

So now I’ve been having a bunch of thoughts like thinking it would be so cool to move in with him and share an apartment. Not necessarily because I like him but because we get along well and I think it would be better for me to room with a guy as opposed to a girl because all the girls I know I know I could never live with, we’d probably end up killing each other. But with Jonathan I think we could mesh well…We do make good friends. Our friendship is different compared to the other guy friends I’ve had…the first Joseph was gay and I was never ever phsyically attracted to him, and the second Joseph was not on the same mental, maturity level as I and there is something about him that makes things just so cumbersome.

I worry that once he finds a girlfriend (and he is looking) that he will leave me behind. I mean, as it stands I talk to him all the time…almost everyday and for long periods of time and we hang out a lot…he’s so free and accesable now…I fear that when he finally does get a GF that she’ll take up all his extra time. I mean he is a self-proclaimed romantic so I don’t know… I shall see where this path will lead me.